Everything is blurry.

We have hands that barely ever touched. We have lips that almost never met. We never really had a chance, did we?

We are absolutely failing.

Lots of things can be fixed. Sometimes though, a relationship between two people can’t be fixed, because it shouldn’t be. If neither of you are making the effort, then the penny begins to drop. Arguments happen again and again. Silences become more frequent. Whisper screaming at each other. That’s when you know it’s over. As soon as you start thinking about the beginning of the end, it’s the end. It’s time for you to break away from the person that’s breaking you. A lot of people will break your heart during your life, but if you look at it positively, only one will be the worst. You can love someone to the point where no one understands. It doesn’t matter though if no one gets it, as long as you get it. When you find something like that, you don’t want to let it go. Sometimes though you have to.

Breaking up is a natural thing when you’re trying to work out what it is that you want in your life. If you’re with someone who isn’t aligned with your thinking, did you even have a chance from the start? Feelings have that way of shaking us awake and helping us see what we’re willing to settle for, against what it is that we really want. Turns out that not being together any more might be a good thing. For both people.

Moving on is easier than staying moved on though, isn’t it?

It’s not the actual breaking up that prevents you from getting back together again, even if that’s what you both want. It’s because little pieces of you both get lost. The whole shape of your relationship, the whole dynamic has changed. Too little, too late. The chemistry wasn’t in doubt but the timing was everything. Sigh.

Whilst a lot of it was good, we ruined each other for a while by being together and we partly destroyed each other’s dreams. It wasn’t intentional, no hurt was meant, it just happened.

Three words said. Eight letters, five vowels and three consonants. I love you. It was the start of something beautiful but it was also the start of a slippery slope. Much later, the words changed. Two words, seven letters, three vowels and four consonants. It’s over. Twenty six letters in the alphabet, and now you’ll always be the 24th.

If you have to wonder if someone loves you and wants to be with you, chances are they don’t. It shouldn’t be that complicated, should it? You shouldn’t have to waste time waiting and wondering. Why spend your incredibly precious hours, dreaming or thinking of someone that doesn’t want to be with you? They can’t be that amazing, certainly not if they’re willing to play games with your heart.

The thing with breaking up is that person isn’t there any more, but the memories have a way of staying around.

Don’t listen to songs that you used to listen to together, at least not straight away. Go to bed for as long as you can or want, cry until the tears stop. Delete their number immediately. Book a few days away somewhere. Steer clear of photos of you both, how can that end well? Forgive yourself for being foolish for putting your trust in someone that didn’t reciprocate it. Continue to breathe, continue to smile.

Sometimes, something will happen and the memories will come flooding back. A song will appear on shuffle or a film might pop up on your television, and you’ll wonder what they’re up to. You have no way of knowing but you think what you think at the time. You could always email, text or pick up the phone but then they’ll know that you’re thinking of him or her. Not a good idea, right?

You never want them to know you’re thinking of them, so as tough as it might be, you stop yourself. Before long, the memories start to fade, don’t they? A day will come when you realise that you can’t quite remember how they smelled or the exact colour of their eyes. Some people will tell you that a day will come when you just forget that person altogether, but that’s bullshit, isn’t it? You may well replace old memories with new ones, and move on with your life but can you ever really forget?

If they get in touch after a while to tell you that they’ve missed you though, isn’t the perfect response to tell them that you missed yourself too?

Things will be okay. Turbulent, then calm.

@TheSamMcLeod

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