Is it possible for someone else to know what you’re feeling without you telling them? Can you look at someone’s face and know how or what they’re feeling?
Most of us on this planet can pretty much do what we want with our hearts and our lives, and that’s an amazing thing. Sometimes though, you can’t do what you want with either of those things and that’s when it becomes complicated.
Andy Warhol once said “As soon as you stop wanting something, you get it.” Bullshit or not, I’m finding it tough to decide if he’s right. Once you want someone or something, everything changes for you, doesn’t it? Everything is always easier said than done though. You can want someone or something, that’s easy. Saying something or doing anything about it can be a little bit trickier. Isn’t it almost like wanting someone but not doing or saying anything to try and have them? You have to step up. If you meet someone and you like them, you shouldn’t be ashamed in liking that person. There’s nothing wrong in wanting to experience something new with somebody.
It was a random night. I’m sitting in the hotel bar, nursing a bourbon and catching up on news from around the world on television. I didn’t see her at first, she was in a quiet part of the bar, clearly looking to be left alone as she read her book. I happened to glance over, she caught my eye, and we both smiled and then looked away. I kept glancing back and I swear that she saw me doing so out of the corner of her eye. Thing is, she did exactly the same thing and it took all of everything that I had to stop from smiling. Eventually, she came over and asked if she could watch the news with me. Clearly it was okay but she fell asleep almost immediately. Smooth.
She napped and then woke and we chatted about lots of things. Eventually, I excused myself and went to bed. As I walked up the stairs to my room, I think about how I got excited by her words. I think about her smile that could hush thousands of voices. I think about the things that I never said, the questions that I never asked. All of those questions that you never ask though, don’t ever get a reply.
We would bump into each other over the next few days and it was conversations full of smiles, stolen glances and a shit ton of awkwardness. Maybe I’m in her head but I’d rather be in her arms. What are emotions anyway?
Suddenly it was her last night, although I didn’t know that at the time. A couple who I’m friendly with invite her through to sit and have wine with us. As the girl half of the couple speaks to her, she starts to cry. Us two boys see that as our kryptonite, and we go outside to speak. When we eventually come back in, we find out that the girl is engaged and has flown over here to see her fiancé. Problem is, he dumped her whilst she was in mid-air, travelling from thousands of miles away to see him. Now the dynamic has shifted. The girl is in tears and thankfully, is being comforted by the female.
I didn’t realise how tough it was going to be before I knew all of this and now I’m convinced that it’s not even fair for me to try to tell her that I like her. What if she asks me though, unlikely as that may be? I can’t lie to her if it’s how I feel, surely? I find myself hoping that she doesn’t ask. Let’s face it, you don’t want to say anything that you can’t stand behind completely.
I knew what it was like, wanting someone that you could probably never have. Intrinsically though, I know how it’s impossible to un-want her, once my heart tells me what I already know. You’d think my head would step in at some point and slap me silly but you’d be wrong. We were so close and danced around things for a few days but now? It’s the biggest distance between how it was and how I ever thought it could hopefully be.
If whatever you’re going to do is wrong, should you just do whatever you want? I couldn’t, I could see that she was hurting and I didn’t want to make things worse. I can’t tell her. Just because I’ve seen her a lot though, it doesn’t mean that I wanted too much, does it? Maybe if I have made her feel something, it means that I’ll never be forgotten?
Inadvertently, I’ve read things wrong. If there is any chance for us, I need to right those wrongs so that we can be side by side. On the right of her side. To be there for her. Maybe to be there for me too.
I have questions though, right? Whether she’s the one, whether I feel about her the way that I should? The Portuguese call it saudade. Longing for something so indefinite as to be indefinable. Clever bunch.
I’ve spent my days and night since she left trying to find the words to explain the feelings I have. There are explosions of emotions that I can’t even comprehend. It seems doubtful to me that I could even make her aware of at least a tiny fraction of what I feel. I know that it would be unfair on her right now, so I won’t. I can’t.
No matter what anyone of us think about someone, what we do is dictated by what we feel. I wanted to tell her but I couldn’t because circumstances dictated otherwise.
It’s okay to have boundaries, but it would be lovely to step over them now and again, just to see if they can become an adventure. Once again, I couldn’t, that wouldn’t have been a cool thing to do.
It was 4am. I was still up, nursing a new bourbon and she was checking out to go to the airport. I heard the ping of the elevator and I saw her step out. I smiled, walked over and lifted her bags for her as the taxi idled outside whilst she checked out. I placed her bags into the taxi, watching her with solemn eyes.
The sudden prospect of having to say goodbye to her tugged at my heartstrings and I could feel that although she was hurting, she felt the same. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me. I put my arms around her and I pulled her close. I held her for a long time, longer than I should have, but then reluctantly and gently, I let her go.
I gave a soft smile and a tender wave, before glancing away. I needed a moment, before walking back into the hotel. Alone.
Maybe goodbyes aren’t forever, they can simply mean, I’ll miss you until I see you again?
If you get to where I am and if I throw away my fear and pride, to set things right, then I’ll find mine on the right of your side.