A rollercoaster of emotions were spinning inside my head. Anger. Hurt. Relief. Wanting her. She was the only person in the world that I wanted to see in that moment. The trouble was that she was also the last person in the world that I wanted to see. Conflicted emotions and feelings. Fuck them.
Conflict. There’s always some conflict in every relationship. Doesn’t everyone feel lonely or trapped sometimes? It’s not always rainbows, sunshine and unicorns, but sometimes all you need is a little attention.
Eventually, maybe when you feel more in love with your memories of someone, rather than the person that you were with, is when you know that things are over? One minute we were inseparable, the next, I was blocked on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.
People fall out of love with each other every day, and whilst it might be the saddest thing that a couple can do to each other, doesn’t it just mean that they’ve both grown too tired to try any more? I wasn’t too scared to keep trying but I knew that she was slowly letting go. I knew that she was growing less and less in love with me every day. Love never really dies all at once, does it? Whilst it’s not tangible, you know that you can almost see it fading away, one day at a time. Maybe one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever make is choosing to walk away.
It’s hard to love someone to the point where you don’t even understand yourself. It’s okay for you not to get it, because I don’t get it. It’s just there, it was there for a long time. When you find love and someone like that, you don’t want to give any of it up. It’s not always your choice though, is it? Hopefully at some point, you’ll be able to give your love to someone else. Fingers crossed. A relationship is almost like a house. When a lightbulb burns out, you don’t go and buy a new house. You replace the lightbulb. Sometimes we lose, sometimes we win. Shouldn’t we always keep playing though? Moving on is a process. You win, you lose, you cry, you smile, you learn not to make the same mistakes. You try, you fuck things up, but you keep trying. What if the worst in you doesn’t want to work on things though?
I didn’t choose to fall in love with her but it was worth almost every second of it. She chose to stop loving me though at a time when I didn’t do anything wrong. We all know that we won’t always make the right decisions. We’ll all royally fuck things up sometimes. Maybe this is a decision that she regrets? I haven’t asked her, and I will never ask her. The thing is, it’s almost like something happens inside the person that you love. They’ve had enough, and that the way the your relationship has been going is no longer worth the effort. It’s okay, it’s their truth, so it’s the truth, isn’t it? Your perception is your reality? I’m not in love with you now but now sometimes I wish I was. Sometimes.
The couples that will be together for as long as they want to be, are the ones who go through everything that’s meant to tear them apart, to divide them. It just makes them stronger, right? Isn’t that what we all want? Now and again though, two people need to be apart for a while to realise how much they need to be together. I wish those people luck, I won’t be one of them. You’ll know when a relationship is right for you, won’t you? It’ll make your life better, not complicate it more than it already is.
Certain dates can be powder kegs for your emotions. An anniversary, a birthday. Even if you know you have to move on, they don’t make it any easier. Your mind drifts towards that person at times, on that day. The occasional thought of you will cross my mind, but it’ll be bittersweet.
Once you move on, you try to forget who hurt you in the past, but don’t you always remember what your experiences with them taught you? If it meant that you became a person who held onto grudges, someone that wanted to seek revenge, and not forgive or show compassion, then did you really learn anything? Your heart might say yes, but your head will say no. Won’t it?
The past is just that though. It can’t hurt you anymore unless you let it. I guess we all need to remember that.
You should never run from the people who you want. You should fight for them. They’re in your corner for everything that life throws at you until they’re not.There’s a cost, there’s a risk but that’s what you sign up for when you enter a relationship. Some work out, some don’t, sadly. I miss her. Sometimes.
Do I want to try again?
The best of me wants to love you, but the worst in me doesn’t want to.