When you’re with someone new, all you want is to be around them all of the time. That’s infatuation though, not love, right? Sometimes you’re going to need some time to yourself. Sometimes all you want is to say come and give me a fucking hug. Sometimes you just want to be alone. It’s not not love just because sometimes you want space.
We all have to like someone before we can love them though. She was easy to like. A little bit quirky, a little bit different to a lot of other girls. Sure, she was pretty, but there was substance behind her looks. Someone who you could be comfortable with, and whose company was always enjoying and stimulating. Love comes later. Is it a conscious thing though, rather than a feeling? You decide to tell someone that you love them but perhaps that only rolls off of your tongue after you feel that you’re falling for someone.
If you’re in love, you’re having a good time already. You’re with that one person that you adore and anything that they say or do brings a smile to your face. It never enters your head for a moment that in the excitement of finding someone new, there’s at least one other person out there in the world nursing a broken heart.
When you move on from like to love, then things become more special between you. You should tell that person how special they are because what if no one else ever has? Kisses that go on for hours, those hugs where you don’t want to let go. Perfection.
You discover more. There were shared interests of music, of fashion, of politics, about almost too many things to be able to believe. Sentences were often finished by each other.
Little presents would be bought occasionally, just because someone saw something and it reminded them of the other. Holidays were taken and memories were made. Getting lost in foreign cities but knowing that you’d find your way to where you needed to get to, because that one special person was by your side. Taking thousands of photographs so that you could look back and smile.
Conversations could be deep and meaningful one minute and then absolute nonsense the next. It was like a special language. As things progress and the further you both fall, the topic of conversation can get more serious. Where are we going, what is the plan, how long can this last?
You said forever, and I did too.
Isn’t it true that you’ll never know all that there is to know about someone, just as they’ll never know all there is to know about you?
That moment it dawns on you when you think you’re important to someone, but it turns out that you’re not any more. You can be angry, you can be sad, but no one can tell you how you should feel in that moment. Of course, it hurts like hell if someone tells you that they don’t want you any more, but wouldn’t it be worse if they didn’t tell you? It hurts because it was important, it mattered to you. Doesn’t there come a time though when you realise that you don’t, probably all of us don’t, always love the right person at the right time?
Words hurt more than anything else can sometimes, because they last forever. The pain in itself is going to be okay in time. What might linger on for a bit, the thing that hurts the most, is the person that caused you to feel that pain. What do you do when the one person you want comfort from the most, is the one who’s causing your pain? You want to be in their arms but you’d be equally as happy if they were hundreds or thousands of miles away from you.
Sometimes, someone you care about, someone you love, will hurt you. If it happens again and again, when do you tell yourself that enough is enough? It’s a difficult conversation to have, isn’t it? You can give, you can love, you can trust but it’s always the same person that gets hurt. You.
So, you decide to be alone for a while and to concentrate on yourself. It’s not the worst idea you’ll ever have, but maybe you just don’t want to be attached to anything or anyone any more.
You’d trade all of your tomorrows alone for a chance to go back to the first 24 hours that you had with them though. Wouldn’t you?
Maybe one day, it could be months or years later, you’ll get an email or a text out of the blue from them. Do you respond? On the surface, it seems like an easy decision, but let’s face it, you’ve moved on because you had to, and you found a better place. Will it be different the second time around? It’s unlikely, right? You shouldn’t get your hopes up because you’ve read and lived this story before and you know how it ends.
This love story could have been near perfect but sadly it only lasted a few chapters, certainly not as long as was first thought when the first page was opened. It’s not a unique story, it’s happened to people the world over and will continue to happen.
Those memories that you cherished so much, then became the same ones that tear you apart. Those photographs will likely be stored away, rarely to be looked at. The memories, like some people, just begin to fade away.
I almost forgot about you.