Hopes and dreams and everything.

You can kid yourself on that you don’t like someone. Look in their eyes and ask yourself again if you truly believe that. Your brain can tell you that you don’t like someone, but what if your heart is on a different page?

You can get to know someone, not just with words, but with your eyes too. How they move, how they smile. How their hand reaches out for your hand at exactly at the same time, but neither of you realise in that moment, it just happens. You click.

You can meet someone that you didn’t think that you needed or wanted. You can be wrong. Don’t you sometimes push a door to see if there’s anything behind it? We all understand what it’s like to want something, but you sometimes try and force yourself to really believe that you don’t.

Maybe it’s just flirting initially. Those eyes again, catching the look of someone that you don’t know. At least you don’t know them yet, assuming that you’re interested. Or that they are. If you’re lucky enough, you can meet someone that can say things with their eyes that renders words meaningless. Someone that can make your eyeballs feel cold, because you can’t help but look.

It’s tough though. If you’re coming out of something serious, or you’re not over that one person that you thought you’d be with forever, it’s hard to put yourself out there and to make the first move, to make yourself vulnerable. Sometimes you can be closed off to the world, sometimes funny, sometimes shy and sometimes absolutely terrified of telling someone that you like them.

Maybe we’re all the same? We’re all boring at times. We’re all ordinary in our own way. Fuck, we’re all absolutely box office in our own way. Aren’t we all shy too though at times? Perhaps it just depends on the day that we’re having. It’s okay to not know all of the answers, but don’t you always want to try and be brave enough to be able to ask all of the questions?

It’s okay to be a bit awkward though. Sometimes think people can think that you’re standoffish and that you can’t have a normal conversation, and that you’re rude, but you’re really not. Quietness. Shyness. With your close friends, you could talk the hind leg off of a donkey, but chances are that most of the time, you’re never going to be the life and soul of the party.

That shyness inside can make it difficult for you to open up to the opposite sex and ask a question that you know that you want to ask. What happens though you look at someone, you talk to them and then your heart beats faster? You have to ask. If you like someone, you have to tell them. Sure, it might be difficult to come out with the words that you want to say, but isn’t it better to step up?

Maybe you stall before you start.

Sometimes you don’t want to like someone but it happens. Consequences create risks. The warning signs can be lit up like the Las Vegas Strip. Run before you stray too close. Easier said than done though, right? Don’t you have to put yourself back out there at some point?

I met her randomly. In ten minutes, I had a thousand thoughts of her and she noticed. My heart was pounding. It’s infuriating, someone can be everything that you could ever want, whilst simultaneously being no one that you could ever have. Maybe one day the penny will drop and you realise that hearts don’t mean to break other hearts.

I eventually plucked up the courage and asked the question, but she declined. She had me briefly but she lost me. I knew that I was falling for her. I was an idiot for thinking that she was falling for me too.

Maybe if something never even really starts, you never have to worry about it ending? It’s only after that you know that something isn’t going to happen, that you realise that you threw away so many other chances that you could have had, because you can’t have the one chance that you wanted in that moment.

I was almost even a little bit happy that if it wasn’t going to be me that she wanted, it was going to be someone who she wanted.

I held her. We broke our hug, she left and didn’t look back. My feet are telling me that I need to chase after her. Sense kicks in and I close my eyes, exhale and stay exactly where I am. Maybe it’s the fact that she won’t come after me that hurts the most.

All I want for you to be is happy or something. I just miss what I thought we would have.

@TheSamMcLeod

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