No one looks innocent.

There’s about to be a wedding, another man is going to be lost overboard. Before the groom walks down the aisle though and meets his beautiful bride, there needs to be a bachelor party/stag do. It’s a rite of passage, it could be tame, it could be wild but it has to happen. Have a day at a spa if that’s what the main man wants, but don’t you want to try and go big, make it something unforgettable? Forgettable is probably more likely if your collective night pans out the way you all want it to. Well, maybe not all of you.

Back in 2007, two friends had an idea for a movie and wrote a script called ‘What Happens In Vegas’. It was quickly snapped up by a studio but due to various legal difficulties, it didn’t look like it was ever going to be a thing. Two years later however, Warner Bros picked up the rights to the script, promptly renamed it ‘The Hangover’ and made it the first part of what would become the most successful R-rated comedy franchise of all time. Is it a good idea to try and replicate as much of that film experience as possible or not?

George Carlin was widely regarded as one of the best stand-up comedians ever. Chuck in that he was an actor, author and social critic too, and it’s hard not to recognise the genius of the man. He once posited that you should ‘Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.’ Las Vegas, stupid people, a large group, what could possibly go wrong? On your own, you can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for shithousery levels of stupidity, nothing beats teamwork.

I always put myself in destructive situations.

If you’re responsible for such a shindig, you need to listen to the needs and wants of everyone that’ll be going. Some ideas are infinitely more ridiculous than others but don’t you try to make them all happen?

The accommodation is sorted with a pool that leans out over the side of the building. Chuck in butler service and you just know that man is going to deserve every dollar of his tip once the weekend is over.

Not all of us drive, but the Las Vegas Motor Speedway is a popular option where you can tear it up in Ferraris, Lamborghinis, McLarens and Porsches. I wouldn’t trust any of these idiots on a bicycle but each to their own. Who in their right mind would want to fly a fighter jet? This guy, and despite some medical advice that it’s a fucking terrible idea, the aviators were packed. None of us have any clue what a hammerhead stall, tail spin or torque roll is but I guess we’ll find out. I’ve already gifted my flat to someone if I don’t make it back alive. Laying your hands on everything from pistols to fully automatic rifles and sub-machine guns at a shooting range doesn’t sit well so the three of them can have at it. There’s a bar across the street, bourbon wins out.

It’s almost a scene from Ocean’s Eleven but cards at the Bellagio is a must. Throw in the complimentary Manhattans and Negronis and you know that the two Scottish boys will kick the balls out of that. Not so sure about the Kiwi or the Yank, but we’ll see and it’s unlikely that any bank heists will take place. I’m not saying that one of us knows how to count cards but I’m also not saying that one of us can’t, seems there are added benefits to a maths degree. Getting a black eye or broken jaw in the back room of a casino would be a story to tell the grandchildren, cliche as hell but probably worth it. There’s a tour of bars that comes with free IPAs’, rookie move Vegas, a day of takings in the red awaits. Who doesn’t think that drinking more beers and renting jetskis on Lake Mead is a good idea?

Pretty vanilla though, time to step it back up. Jump off the Stratosphere, basically a controlled free fall before hitting the Strip, hopefully feet first. Hijacking the pool at the Mandalay Bay, getting led astray by the poolside casino and enjoying the view for the three of us that are single. All are stupid ideas but it’s not really our weekend, or is it? Maybe this kind of trip is for everyone except ironically, the groom? He has to behave to a certain extent whilst everyone else can go crazy. Stupidity has a knack of getting in the way but everything will be alright in the morning, won’t it? As long as the night doesn’t involve acquiring a random baby or stealing a tiger, the night can be counted as a success. Famous last words.

Just getting him to the church safely is the ultimate goal but that can wait for now.

We’ve got a big, big mess on our hands tonight.

@TheSamMcLeod

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