Figure it all out on your own.

If you’re a boy and you like a girl, you tell her, don’t you? Whether you’re just up for some fun or something more, it’s always good to know where you stand, to know if you even have a chance. What if you don’t speak up though? Khaled Hosseini was probably not far off of the mark when he wrote in The Kite Runner, ‘I opened my mouth, almost said something. Almost. The rest of my life might have turned out differently if I had, but I didn’t.’ Male pride or stubbornness is a terrible thing at times.

Moving on from someone who did a number on you is super difficult, but you know at some point that you’ll need to take chances and get out there and make yourself emotionally available again. It’s easy to play it safe and sure, it’s okay to have trust issues, no one wants to feel pain but you have to try, don’t you? We all do things from time to time that we desperately wish we could undo but now and again, the things we don’t do or say sting the most. Regretting the things we haven’t done and the chances we didn’t take can linger in your memories for a while. Sometimes there aren’t second chances. So what if you make a mistake and don’t get the answer you want? The thing is, we fall short on occasion, we mess up sometimes, every single one of us.

Watch me take a good thing and fuck it all up in one night.

It was only a smile, nothing more but one intriguing enough to turn heads. We meet up more and more, we hang out, although the time spent together is shorter than anyone would like. We didn’t need to have stupid fights just to make up because we never argued. How amazing is it to find someone who wants to hear about all of the things that happened in your day, who wants to hear everything that you’re thinking about? Do you ever have an appreciation of how badly you’re going to miss a moment whilst you’re living it?

Life does what it does though and things change, she moves away and I don’t ask her to stay or if she wants me to go with her. I didn’t know it yet but I’d just let the girl I’d been waiting on forever to walk away and didn’t do enough to make sure she’d come back. You never think that the last time is the last time. You have forever, right? Don’t you sometimes wish that you could go back to a specific moment in your life? Unfortunately you have to figure out which direction you’re going to head in, making a decision either way is surely infinitely better than not making one at all.

We drift apart, contact becomes less and less frequent. Birthday greetings on Facebook, the odd congratulatory message when something good happens to one of us. Who wants to have a relationship on social media though?

A few days ago, fate rears its head again and we’re in touch every day. I don’t know if she’s seeing anyone and she doesn’t know if I’m with anyone but that’s not where the conversation starts off. I know I want to build up to it though and then one night, I go big.

Next year will be a game changer, a new job, a new city and country to live in, new memories waiting to be made. Who wouldn’t want to make those together with someone special? Who wouldn’t want to come with? Not her apparently, I’m immediately shot down. If I’d been more committed previously and opened up, then things would have been very different she says. It’s not a nice feeling when someone tells you that you blew it by not asking a simple question.

I was almost good for her. She told me she was in love with me but because I never told her back, she doubted me. We almost made it but I didn’t tell her that I wanted more, the timing was always off for one of us. The ghost of relationships past.

A message arrives today inviting me for drinks with mutual friends. I’m an idiot most of the time but not tonight. I need to spend some time alone. Before I met her, life was good. After her? Now it’s just after.

She tells me that I’m only her friend for now but maybe something could happen in the future. The very definition of being friendzoned. I’m not going to stop being friends with her because she might like someone else but there’s a shift in the dynamic. She’ll always be a girl friend, just never a girlfriend. It’s just something that happened, or perhaps more accurately, didn’t happen. Time to get over it, I lost her, although I never really had her. What now? You can’t keep kissing strangers and pretend that it’s someone else. Watch her maybe be in love with someone else or come to the realisation that there is zero point in trying to hold onto feelings, better just to move forward. No other choice. I almost said something but almost was never going to be enough. What an idiot.

I think, that something’s fucking wrong with me.

@TheSamMcLeod

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