There will never be another like you.

Childhood friendships are one of the hardest relationships to keep on top of as you grow older. You might move away, he or she might move away, you can drift apart for any number of reasons, just life getting in the way. Whilst change will always happen, a lot of stuff stays the same if you’re invested in each other. Moving away from someone geographically doesn’t change the fact that for a long time you grew up together, you just need to make the effort to stay in touch, and if it’s someone important to you, that should be minimal, right? If you fall out, you fall back in as soon as you can. Sorry can be a difficult word to say, but if you’re in the wrong, suck it up and get it done. Anyone who has someone in their life that they don’t see for days, months or even years but the bond stays as strong as ever is a lucky person. It’s good to keep those types of human beings around you, surrounding yourself with the right people can never be a bad idea, they’ll tell you what you need to hear when you need to hear it.

We all pick up new friendships along the way, but no matter how many new friends you make, your first best friend will always be close to your heart. There are a ton of things about a friend that you’ve known for most of your life that you just can’t replace, some memories will keep you both entwined forever. Never take those for granted, one day they’ll be all you have.

I didn’t know that we were out of time.

From the first moment we were paired together for a task during our very first day at school at four years old, it was clear that we would be a thing. It wasn’t a unique friendship that other people haven’t similarly experienced, just a relationship that was uncomplicated, neither person ever had to second guess the other. No need to when that care, love and trust for someone evolves over years and years. She was cool, someone you could be stupid with one second and then deadly serious the next, a minute spent with her was better than time spent with a ton of girls. There was zero romantic involvement, the friendship was more important and there was absolutely no chance that distance or time would change things. Sure, she had no concept of the time difference between Scotland and Sydney, but if a call comes in the middle of the night, it gets answered. One rule was made, if something was needed by the other, it happened. Promises from some friends, or from anyone are like bars at 5 in the morning, completely empty but not with her. Girls came and went on my side, boys came and went on her side but there was always that one person that could be reached out to if needed, no judgements were made, just honesty, love and support offered. Catching up was the best, she never looked at me differently decades later than she did on that first day. A smile, a cheeky smirk when she was giving me shit, it was no effort to enjoy her company.

An unexpected couple of days in hospital for an operation means a lot of drugs, a lot of unconsciousness but zero access to the outside world, email and phone included, physical movement was a near impossibility. Once some sort of lucidity returns, finding a couple of dozen missed calls, countless text messages and a bunch of emails is more than concerning. Every form of communication is returned as soon as possible but nothing comes back. Until it does, but from someone else close to her and it’s the worst possible news.

We never had that call that was clearly needed and the fault sits with one person. The effort, as little as it could and should have been wasn’t made and that’s something that will haunt forever. It’s impossible to fathom sometimes despite how well you know someone, what they’re willing to do to themselves to not want to be around any more.

You can be completely crushed and sad or take your own time to try and deal with heartbreak in your own way. There’s nothing wrong with taking longer to come to terms with your emotions than most other people might, there are no rules with grief. It might be healthy to try and deal immediately but there is nothing wrong with taking time to try and figure out what the fuck just happened.

Today, tomorrow, the next day, the day after that until the end of time will be just another one that goes by without her and they’ll each be full of guilt. It sucks when you let yourself down but that pain is magnified when you let someone you love down. Try to never break a promise.

There’s no sleeping you off my mind, I miss you all the time.

@TheSamMcLeod

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