Take my hand when you can’t see the light.

To many of us, the unknown is a scary thing, although it really doesn’t need to be. Think of all the good things that will happen to you and just enjoy waiting for them. You don’t know what all of them are yet but isn’t that a cool thing? Let your imagination go crazy, you never know, they could all come true. Sure, it’s confusing at times. Just maybe though you can find comfort in that confusion. A lot of feelings come into your world because of things being misconstrued or left unsaid. Confusion. A lot of the time, secrets and truths aren’t revealed in the words between two people.

The path to where we’re supposed to go isn’t always an easy one. We go down the wrong road sometimes. So, we get lost, we turn back, perhaps we turn back again. Maybe it doesn’t matter which road we leave on, maybe all that matters is that we leave? We can all be afraid to try but new things but we really shouldn’t. Trying this one thing that scared the shit out of me, led me to the rest of my life.

It’s oxymoronic but if you begin to understand who you are without trying to change yourself, then aren’t you changing anyway? Maybe life is about not knowing and taking chances when you can, because you have zero idea about what’s going to happen next. Isn’t part of the fun not knowing exactly what the fuck we’re supposed to be doing? Life.

Sometimes the things that we have to deal with on a daily basis can come from all of us not knowing our abilities, our frailties, our strengths, even ourselves. If a lot of us go almost all of the way through our lives as complete strangers to ourselves, then how can we possibly know anyone else? We can never really know another person, except other than our first glance at him or her, unless you continue down that road, should you decide to choose it. In that glance though, don’t we know everything? Maybe we’re not ready yet to work it out completely but hopefully one day we will. Maybe one person comes along and changes it all for you.

What if you lose them for a while though?

Everyone has experienced some sort of heartbreak in their lifetime, no one is immune. Every story of not having someone around any more is different, but don’t we all understand that basic, gut wrenching emotion that comes from saying goodbye to someone that we love, especially when we don’t know when we’ll see that person again?

Men are often accused of being stubborn, of not knowing our own weaknesses. Fair comment, right? Isn’t it the same rationale then, that we also don’t know our own strengths? Maybe we can be strong enough to deal with that loss. There will be days though when you miss someone so much that you feel like your heart could explode. There have been days like that, a complete sense of feeling lost, of feeling like you can’t function without seeing or speaking to that special person in your life. We’re taught to always be humble. How can you be humble though when you’re swollen with pride? You can be happy and unhappy at the same time, can’t you? Sometimes a father’s tears are unseen but they are there.

Sometimes all that it takes is falling down to really know where you stand.

For those most special of people in your life, you want to be one who helps to build and nurture them in anyway that you can. You want to be someone who has an understanding for everything that they feel. Don’t all of us want to leave the people in our life better than when we found them? It’s simple, isn’t it? Just do your best to try and treat people with understanding. Sometimes you mess up but hopefully you can make it right again.

The happiest moment of my life was when she was born. It was also the most scary. To a father who is getting older in every second of every day, nothing is more dear than a daughter. Try and tell me that someone else in this world can love a girl more than her father. I dare you.

It’s the simple things sometimes. Taking her swimming, having lunch with her when she orders a hot dog that’s the same size as her arm. Going shopping with her and silently cursing under my breath about how much it costs, whilst secretly loving it all at the same time. Trying to catch her before she falls. Picking her up, hugging her, telling her that it’ll be okay and then letting her try again. When she would tell me that she needed me, she had no clue that I needed her a million times more.

All I want is to make her tomorrow better than her today. That will never change. I want to be the light that she needs when her world goes dark. I want to be her living, breathing superhero. She might think sometimes that she’s on her own but she’s not. What she’ll always have standing behind her, is the love of her father. She might not know it but she’s had me wrapped around her finger since the day she was born. I don’t have her hand right now but you can be damn fucking sure that I have her back. Always. I’m forever on your side.

Blah blah.

Gossip. Often defined as “casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details which are not confirmed as true.”

Isn’t it just something that some people use to distract other people who have nothing better to do than feeling jealous of a few or a lot of us? Maybe it’s insecurity on their part? Insecure people can be envious of you and your life, because they’re not happy about what they have going on in their own life. Often those people that criticise you, your life and the decisions that you make, are the same people who have no idea what you’ve suffered through, to get to where you are today.

Some of us will waste our precious years with small talk. It’s sad but most of us understand it probably, at least on some level.

Gossiping is far from nice and jealousy is a horrible trait. If someone tells you something, you can choose to believe it and that’s fine, it’s your choice. The thing is, you can’t always believe everything that you hear.

Is there any point in wasting your time with words though, if people only believe what they want to believe or hear what they want to hear? There is no point fighting a fight that can’t be fought, it’s a waste of time and energy. It’s ironic though. If you let people speak to you, you’ve almost granted them permission to talk to you. No such permission is needed though if they decide to talk about you.

Isn’t it sad and a little bit silly to think that tearing someone else down builds you up as a human being? Shouldn’t a part of every day be about listening to your conscience though? As long as your conscience is clear. Be good, be kind, be nice. People will always say what they like, trying to stop them gossiping is like trying to drink coffee with a fork.

It’s intrinsic in most of us though to trust people, to want to trust people. All you want to do is look out for the people who look out for you. Pretty simple, right? So, you should stop giving time to those people with more faces than Big Ben. Who wants to have a relationship with someone like that? Ninety nine times out of a hundred, if someone is telling you stuff about another person, they’re going to tell your business to other people. You shouldn’t be taken in, if someone is going to gossip to you, they’ll damn sure gossip about you. Someone who smiles with you, can sometimes frown about you too much behind your back and you might never know. We could blame it all on human nature.

How much better would life be if everyone shied away from gossip? Let today or tomorrow be the day that you speak of only the good things that you know of the other people in your life. It doesn’t sound too hard, does it?

You should never judge someone’s character based on the words of someone who is speaking about them behind their back. What someone says about you behind your back, says a lot about them. Isn’t it better to examine the words said to you from the person who is quick to share a story with you? Stories are good but don’t you want to listen to the right storyteller in your life? How could it hurt to be less curious about people, and more curious about everything else that you want to know more about?

The worst thing about talk is that there’s no way to put it to bed. Everyone believes what they want to believe. Hopefully, the most important people in your life will see through the nonsense and instantly know what the truth is. You keep those people around, don’t you?

Some people are so intent on talking about other people’s failures and mistakes that you could almost swear they are talking about themselves. Fucking idiots.

You’re always told to never talk ill of the dead, but we seem to have zero problem at all doing the same with the living. Gossip and rumours are like germs. Spread them enough and people get contaminated.

Take lightly what you hear about people. If you hear something bad about someone that you know, why not sit down and have an actual conversation with them? Drop them a call, an email or a text. Isn’t it always better to know the facts? Doesn’t gossip wound your heart almost as much of that as the person that you’re speaking about?

There is a price to pay with everyone that you choose to have in your life. Don’t you just need to work out what that price is?

It’s stupid to forget about your own faults when the person you gossip about is made to think of their own, by the words you speak. If you’ve been a victim of it, hopefully that person knows what they did and they regret it.

Two ears, one mouth. We talk too much.

@TheSamMcLeod

Exhale.

How we view ourselves is different from how others view us, isn’t it? We all live in a world where everyone likes what they like. Different food, different hobbies, different people, just how it should be.

Take good looking people for example. Does it matter how physically attractive someone is, if they don’t appreciate your personality? Everyone might think differently, because what you might find to be attractive is different from what someone else will find to be attractive. Also, your personality can make you more or less likeable, can’t it? Your personality, your outlook on life, your sense of humour are a massive part of what attracts someone to you. Isn’t compatibility based on how you and your partner think about each other are as a human being?

There are so many girls that are out of my league, no question. When you tell yourself that someone is out of your league, you begin believing it, don’t you? You ask someone out for dinner or drinks and they say no. It sucks. When someone turns us down, it’s always because of self doubt. We think that we’re not good enough in any facet of our life to hold onto this person’s attention. Maybe we’re not attractive enough.

Even when the situation is one that we don’t think we can control, don’t we all put people into a category? Too pretty. Too handsome. Not pretty enough. Not handsome enough. It’s incredibly judgemental but haven’t all of us seen two people together as a couple and wondered, “How the hell did they end up together?” If we think that way, aren’t we all contributing to a problem in life that we really don’t need? Who decides who is out of your league? Just you, right? As well as everyone else perhaps?

Doesn’t it all boil down to the fact that a lot of us think that physical beauty is the most important thing when we look for someone new? Are we all that predictable? Hopefully not. Aren’t we hurting our own self-perception though when we think that way? It’s hard to be vulnerable with anyone, especially if you think that someone will reject you. If you give into that fear, aren’t you actually missing out on some really great experiences. You’ll never know.

Before you even decide who is in your league or not, don’t you evaluate yourself? The mirror is an unforgiving mistress. Am I a six out of ten? Maybe a seven? A four? Who fucking knows if you don’t? What if someone else thinks that you’re a nine? Will I even give them the chance to tell me? We’re our own worst critic, and with that, comes self doubt. When we’re insecure, our self-esteem goes through the floor. When we think like that, how shit would it be if the person you liked, decided to like you back and then you thought that you weren’t a match because you thought that they were better than you? Don’t you trust yourself to have an interest in someone with similar qualities to yourself? It’s tough though.

Don’t we need to stop forming daft opinions based on how beautiful someone’s eyes are, how much the shape of their lips make us smile, how much their eyes sparkle when we look at them? No, would probably be the right answer, but all of those things are still important though, aren’t they?

The thing is, not everyone is like you or me. We all have a different idea about who we want as our significant other. Perhaps the point is that someone’s looks shouldn’t hold any more value than what their personality does. Their mind is more important than how they look or how their body is surely?

Shouldn’t we all stop buying into ideas about who we should see and about who should be interested in wanting to be with us? Remind yourself of this as regularly as you can. Also, remind yourself that no one is out of your league either.

At first, I thought people who were incredibly attractive were out of my league. You’d think once I realised that not everything is about looks, my thoughts wouldn’t be as shallow. It’s not that transparent though. I believed that if someone was smarter than me, or funnier than me, that they too were out of my league. Needless to say, I was wrong.

Aren’t the thoughts of our relationship goals being upset, by knowing that the other person is hotter, and being far more attractive than we are? Intimacy is traded for vulnerability. Feelings can go and fuck themselves at times.

Ironically, personality is such a big factor, so knocking back a person because of how they look could make you lose out on a person who could be great for you, if you just got to know them. On the flip side they might be totally wrong for you. How do you know until you try though?

No risk, no reward, right? If you like someone, you might as well try. Rejection? A definite possibility. Thing is though, you also might find that someone that you never thought would find you attractive actually likes you a lot. You need to ask though, or you need to answer the question if it ever comes. Have some courage.

She asked me to go for dinner. I haven’t said yes or no yet, I’m conflicted. She’s far too pretty and I’m average at best. She’s cute, she’s hilarious and she’s so self aware, how the hell am I ever going to match up to her? She’s out of my league.

We’re not out of touch but are we out of time?

@TheSamMcLeod

Remember when?

A rollercoaster of emotions were spinning inside my head. Anger. Hurt. Relief. Wanting her. She was the only person in the world that I wanted to see in that moment. The trouble was that she was also the last person in the world that I wanted to see. Conflicted emotions and feelings. Fuck them.

Conflict. There’s always some conflict in every relationship. Doesn’t everyone feel lonely or trapped sometimes? It’s not always rainbows, sunshine and unicorns, but sometimes all you need is a little attention.

Eventually, maybe when you feel more in love with your memories of someone, rather than the person that you were with, is when you know that things are over? One minute we were inseparable, the next, I was blocked on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

People fall out of love with each other every day, and whilst it might be the saddest thing that a couple can do to each other, doesn’t it just mean that they’ve both grown too tired to try any more? I wasn’t too scared to keep trying but I knew that she was slowly letting go. I knew that she was growing less and less in love with me every day. Love never really dies all at once, does it? Whilst it’s not tangible, you know that you can almost see it fading away, one day at a time. Maybe one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever make is choosing to walk away.

It’s hard to love someone to the point where you don’t even understand yourself. It’s okay for you not to get it, because I don’t get it. It’s just there, it was there for a long time. When you find love and someone like that, you don’t want to give any of it up. It’s not always your choice though, is it? Hopefully at some point, you’ll be able to give your love to someone else. Fingers crossed. A relationship is almost like a house. When a lightbulb burns out, you don’t go and buy a new house. You replace the lightbulb. Sometimes we lose, sometimes we win. Shouldn’t we always keep playing though? Moving on is a process. You win, you lose, you cry, you smile, you learn not to make the same mistakes. You try, you fuck things up, but you keep trying. What if the worst in you doesn’t want to work on things though?

I didn’t choose to fall in love with her but it was worth almost every second of it. She chose to stop loving me though at a time when I didn’t do anything wrong. We all know that we won’t always make the right decisions. We’ll all royally fuck things up sometimes. Maybe this is a decision that she regrets? I haven’t asked her, and I will never ask her. The thing is, it’s almost like something happens inside the person that you love. They’ve had enough, and that the way the your relationship has been going is no longer worth the effort. It’s okay, it’s their truth, so it’s the truth, isn’t it? Your perception is your reality? I’m not in love with you now but now sometimes I wish I was. Sometimes.

The couples that will be together for as long as they want to be, are the ones who go through everything that’s meant to tear them apart, to divide them. It just makes them stronger, right? Isn’t that what we all want? Now and again though, two people need to be apart for a while to realise how much they need to be together. I wish those people luck, I won’t be one of them. You’ll know when a relationship is right for you, won’t you? It’ll make your life better, not complicate it more than it already is.

Certain dates can be powder kegs for your emotions. An anniversary, a birthday. Even if you know you have to move on, they don’t make it any easier. Your mind drifts towards that person at times, on that day. The occasional thought of you will cross my mind, but it’ll be bittersweet.

Once you move on, you try to forget who hurt you in the past, but don’t you always remember what your experiences with them taught you? If it meant that you became a person who held onto grudges, someone that wanted to seek revenge, and not forgive or show compassion, then did you really learn anything? Your heart might say yes, but your head will say no. Won’t it?

The past is just that though. It can’t hurt you anymore unless you let it. I guess we all need to remember that.

You should never run from the people who you want. You should fight for them. They’re in your corner for everything that life throws at you until they’re not.There’s a cost, there’s a risk but that’s what you sign up for when you enter a relationship. Some work out, some don’t, sadly. I miss her. Sometimes.

Do I want to try again?

The best of me wants to love you, but the worst in me doesn’t want to.

@TheSamMcLeod

One day, you and I, will write our names in the sky.

Is it possible for someone else to know what you’re feeling without you telling them? Can you look at someone’s face and know how or what they’re feeling?

Most of us on this planet can pretty much do what we want with our hearts and our lives, and that’s an amazing thing. Sometimes though, you can’t do what you want with either of those things and that’s when it becomes complicated.

Andy Warhol once said “As soon as you stop wanting something, you get it.” Bullshit or not, I’m finding it tough to decide if he’s right. Once you want someone or something, everything changes for you, doesn’t it? Everything is always easier said than done though. You can want someone or something, that’s easy. Saying something or doing anything about it can be a little bit trickier. Isn’t it almost like wanting someone but not doing or saying anything to try and have them? You have to step up. If you meet someone and you like them, you shouldn’t be ashamed in liking that person. There’s nothing wrong in wanting to experience something new with somebody.

It was a random night. I’m sitting in the hotel bar, nursing a bourbon and catching up on news from around the world on television. I didn’t see her at first, she was in a quiet part of the bar, clearly looking to be left alone as she read her book. I happened to glance over, she caught my eye, and we both smiled and then looked away. I kept glancing back and I swear that she saw me doing so out of the corner of her eye. Thing is, she did exactly the same thing and it took all of everything that I had to stop from smiling. Eventually, she came over and asked if she could watch the news with me. Clearly it was okay but she fell asleep almost immediately. Smooth.

She napped and then woke and we chatted about lots of things. Eventually, I excused myself and went to bed. As I walked up the stairs to my room, I think about how I got excited by her words. I think about her smile that could hush thousands of voices. I think about the things that I never said, the questions that I never asked. All of those questions that you never ask though, don’t ever get a reply.

We would bump into each other over the next few days and it was conversations full of smiles, stolen glances and a shit ton of awkwardness. Maybe I’m in her head but I’d rather be in her arms. What are emotions anyway?

Suddenly it was her last night, although I didn’t know that at the time. A couple who I’m friendly with invite her through to sit and have wine with us. As the girl half of the couple speaks to her, she starts to cry. Us two boys see that as our kryptonite, and we go outside to speak. When we eventually come back in, we find out that the girl is engaged and has flown over here to see her fiancé. Problem is, he dumped her whilst she was in mid-air, travelling from thousands of miles away to see him. Now the dynamic has shifted. The girl is in tears and thankfully, is being comforted by the female.

I didn’t realise how tough it was going to be before I knew all of this and now I’m convinced that it’s not even fair for me to try to tell her that I like her. What if she asks me though, unlikely as that may be? I can’t lie to her if it’s how I feel, surely? I find myself hoping that she doesn’t ask. Let’s face it, you don’t want to say anything that you can’t stand behind completely.

I knew what it was like, wanting someone that you could probably never have. Intrinsically though, I know how it’s impossible to un-want her, once my heart tells me what I already know. You’d think my head would step in at some point and slap me silly but you’d be wrong. We were so close and danced around things for a few days but now? It’s the biggest distance between how it was and how I ever thought it could hopefully be.

If whatever you’re going to do is wrong, should you just do whatever you want? I couldn’t, I could see that she was hurting and I didn’t want to make things worse. I can’t tell her. Just because I’ve seen her a lot though, it doesn’t mean that I wanted too much, does it? Maybe if I have made her feel something, it means that I’ll never be forgotten?

Inadvertently, I’ve read things wrong. If there is any chance for us, I need to right those wrongs so that we can be side by side. On the right of her side. To be there for her. Maybe to be there for me too.

I have questions though, right? Whether she’s the one, whether I feel about her the way that I should? The Portuguese call it saudade. Longing for something so indefinite as to be indefinable. Clever bunch.

I’ve spent my days and night since she left trying to find the words to explain the feelings I have. There are explosions of emotions that I can’t even comprehend. It seems doubtful to me that I could even make her aware of at least a tiny fraction of what I feel. I know that it would be unfair on her right now, so I won’t. I can’t.

No matter what anyone of us think about someone, what we do is dictated by what we feel. I wanted to tell her but I couldn’t because circumstances dictated otherwise.

It’s okay to have boundaries, but it would be lovely to step over them now and again, just to see if they can become an adventure. Once again, I couldn’t, that wouldn’t have been a cool thing to do.

It was 4am. I was still up, nursing a new bourbon and she was checking out to go to the airport. I heard the ping of the elevator and I saw her step out. I smiled, walked over and lifted her bags for her as the taxi idled outside whilst she checked out. I placed her bags into the taxi, watching her with solemn eyes.

The sudden prospect of having to say goodbye to her tugged at my heartstrings and I could feel that although she was hurting, she felt the same. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me. I put my arms around her and I pulled her close. I held her for a long time, longer than I should have, but then reluctantly and gently, I let her go.

I gave a soft smile and a tender wave, before glancing away. I needed a moment, before walking back into the hotel. Alone.

Maybe goodbyes aren’t forever, they can simply mean, I’ll miss you until I see you again?

If you get to where I am and if I throw away my fear and pride, to set things right, then I’ll find mine on the right of your side.

@TheSamMcLeod

You elevate the life in me.

Trust, ironically is hard for me to trust. It’s part of the reason that my circle of friends is small. I’m a bit of a social hand grenade when it comes to making new friends.

At least I know that, but I also know that it’s on me. Is there anything better than having friends though, making and keeping those special people in your life? You should never lose a chance to make new ones, right?

True friends are the people who make you smile every single time that you’re in touch with with them, remotely or in person. New friends can often have a better time together than old friends, can’t they? It’s that excitement you get when you start a new relationship.

If you’re a decent human being, then you should kind to everyone, but you want to choose the best people to be your friends, don’t you? No point in choosing them otherwise. Assuming that they choose you too or that they accept your friendship in the first place.

It’s nigh on impossible for you to know which of the strangers you’re going to meet that’ll become your friend. Being polite to everyone is a pretty good rule to live your life by though. You don’t want to be careless with other people’s hearts and you shouldn’t tolerate people who are careless with your heart.

It can be tough however. A lot of us are closed doors, we can’t just open up when we’re asked to. Some of us aren’t pieces of paper, you can’t unfold us and find out what you need to know. Aren’t there always parts of us that we want to close off from the world? Bits of us that we can’t even touch ourself because they’re too painful. Too tough, right? Now and again though, you meet someone who instantly gets you. Someone who illuminates the in-between.

What is the meaning of a good friendship? How significant it is in your life? Those friends can give us comfort when we need it, can’t they? The Japanese have a word, kenzoku, which when translated, means family. It implies the deepest connection of a friendship. Pretty cool.

It’s not always that easy though. Good people come, good people go, bad people come, bad people go, it’s just life. You always know intrinsically when something comes to an end. It’s simple though once you get past your heart hurting. When you let certain people and memories go, it just means that you’re making some room for other people and other memories to take their place. You need to let some people go, to detach yourself from their life. Before a new chapter begins, you tell yourself that the old one needs to end.

Regardless of where about in the world your new friends live in relation to you, you automatically understand that there are precious few that you should hold onto. You work hard to bridge the gap in geography and time initially but then it becomes second nature, you make your friendship work. Sometimes it’s easier than that, things just click and a random conversation leads to a new friend. Someone that you can tell anything to. Someone who can tell you anything that they feel that they want to. A new friend.

Happiness with your friends is all you want surely? Those smiles of new friends can help if you’re feeling down. You would do the same for them without thinking and hopefully you pull each other through if either of you is having a bad day. Good advice is shared and you can definitely accept inalienable truths from a good friend, sometimes either, might be what you need.

You can take advice from anyone but sometimes it’s that new friend who can help you see what you need to.

It was random how she came along. Just someone reaching out to someone else. That first contact meant that other contact followed. A conversation started. It turns out we have a lot of things in common. Sport, music, our sense of humour. Don’t forget tacos. It’s a new friendship and it’s pretty cool. We’re in touch when each of us wants to be. Hours or days could go by with silence and that’s fine. We’ll converse back and forth for ages and that’s fine too. I sleep when I need to, she sleeps when she needs to. One of us will be awake whilst the other sleeps and we just go about our day or night. We’re just friends but again, that’s pretty cool.

It’s amazing how easy it is for things to change in your life. You might think your day will be the same as the last and then you wind up somewhere new. It’s a new friend, a new boyfriend or girlfriend, maybe a breakup. Maybe at the same time, each moment we experience has another thousand moments underneath that makes it looks different. Make a new friend, what’s the worst that could happen?

My day, my experience was meeting someone new that makes my days better.

@TheSamMcLeod

I don’t know why you wonder why?

Isn’t being all about yourself, the surest way that you’ll end up being all by yourself?

Her ego could stretch the shit out of the universe. The problem was with it though that it appeared to have no end. One day she asked him to admit that the majority of things in his life were about her. They weren’t, he told her that and she didn’t like it. They were doomed from the beginning, although he didn’t know it at the time. That person that makes you laugh when no one else in the world can. You need to find them, don’t you? He thought it was her but it wasn’t. He realised that he needed to fall in love with his own heart because she wasn’t opening up her heart to him.

He thought that maybe he just needed to relax, trust her and that everything would be okay. He was no Robin Hood though, he was so wide of the mark.

When we were kids, we used to trust everything that we were told. Somewhere down the line, we stopped. We questioned things. He finally questioned whether or not she was a good idea and concluded that she wasn’t.

The brain. Who knows why it believes what it believes? Neurons and synapses? Maybe it’s your heart that directly impacts what your brain thinks. 99% of the time, he wanted to believe her and the things that she said but he knew that they weren’t all true. That other 1%? It was full of hope. Idiot.

She didn’t want to know how he felt, yet, she wanted him to know everything that she felt. Selfish, right? She was mesmerising and heartbreaking all at the same time. She thought that she was being interesting to him, in every minute of every day, when in reality, she was only being interesting to herself.

They both ended up where they are. Part of him still thinks that he didn’t make a mistake about her when they met, about who she was, about who she is. He saw the heartbreak coming though but it took him a while to get out of the way.

She’s not all bad, she has a fire that burns bright. There is a heart beating behind her craziness, it’s in there somewhere. She is almost perfect. Almost. No matter how much you try to contain a fire though, won’t it always burn the way that it wants to?

He now can’t understand what hurts more, missing her, or pretending not to. He can’t tell her though, that would only stoke her ego.

She was great in parts but she wasn’t the person that he could shape his life around. He couldn’t take the chance in the end. He never ever took her for granted though, it was nigh on impossible to do so. His own pride wouldn’t allow it, call it male stubbornness. Yet, there they were, imploding right in front of each other. Evel Knievel couldn’t jump the gap between the two of them now. It’s not your job to try and change someone though, is it? Even if you could, you can’t shape someone that has no shape.

It’s alright though, isn’t it? It’s certainly okay to her because it’s about her ego. Most of the time, perhaps all of the time, it’s got to be about her. Does she even know that’s why she’s there where she is and he’s not? He would have been there though. In a fucking heartbeat. Guess what fucked it? How do you even manage to give yourself permission to think that you’re better than everyone else?

Everything became a competition and only one of them could win. It wasn’t him, he failed quite spectacularly but he’s okay about it now. Or at least he thinks he is.

Having gone through the relationship with her, it changed his outlook. He’s more aware of how he treats other people now. He has his own ego but it’s not like the world owes him anything, not like how she is. We all make assumptions, we all have biases, we all have our own ego. It’s just the levels that are different, isn’t it?

She might have been the love of his life but now neither of them will ever know. She was the one when he was no one. Now, she’s nothing. It doesn’t even bother her. Her fucking ego.

He thought that he was clever enough to make whatever decisions he wanted to make but she filled him full of doubt at the end. It turns out that meeting her and sharing the things they did has made him better though. Even although she was bad for him, she made him better for whoever comes along next.

He learned not to allow her ego and insecurities to stop him growing, to stop him doing the things that he wanted so she clearly isn’t all bad. If you can meet someone and they make you better, then it’s a positive experience, I guess.

The thing is though, when you have a love affair with yourself, you still sleep alone at night.

And you wonder why, no one’s by your side?

@TheSamMcLeod