How could this be done by such a smiling sweetheart?

When we were younger, we were kind of fearless, we had just enough naivety to think, ‘Why can’t I do anything that I want to do?’ Become an astronaut? No problemo, there’s no way the training can be that difficult. A doctor? Absolutely, consider it done. Become an international superstar playing the sport that you love and get paid for it? It’s definitely happening, start working on that signature for autographs. A fireman? Saving people, plus girls like a guy in uniform apparently, win win. Falling in love at first sight with someone? It can’t just be true in fairytales, right? Meet and marry the most perfect person for you in the entire world? Obviously, there’s no way it isn’t in your future, it’s in the bag. Just the innocence of youth, naive enough to not yet know what you could never hope to accomplish.

It’s not the worst trait to have, perhaps being naive preserves your view of the world that maybe some others don’t have, we’re all different about what we think of people and things. Does it make us more vulnerable? It’s tough to say but you always want to think the best about everyone you meet, about everyone in your life. Maybe it is being a little naive, but it isn’t it cool to think that there aren’t really very many truly bad people in the world? The problem is, you grow up and you learn that you’re going to get hurt by someone, sometimes by the person that you least expected to ever cause you pain.

It can happen in every relationship, whether you’re friends or something more, but if someone or something isn’t making you happy, you question it, don’t you? Isn’t it right that it takes more courage to do things outside of your comfort zone when you know you’re miserable but you need to know why?

I know that she knows that I’m not fond of asking.

I know that something is up but asking questions becomes more difficult when people are evasive. She’s a loose cannon but generally one that fires in the right direction, so a little slack is cut. Questions are avoided though, no answers are given as to what’s going on. There’s a problem somewhere but let’s face it, boys aren’t the cleverest when it comes to matters of the heart.

As a boy, you can fool yourself into thinking that you understand women, but the truth is that you don’t. Do you try to keep them guessing though to make up for your lack of understanding? Sure, why not try and give off a devil may care attitude and make the ladies think that you’re some kind of badboy that they can tame. Sometimes it works, but there’s always the occasional disaster.

Something is wrong, something has changed. One of the most predictable things in all of our lives is that there will be change. It would be nice if you can have a say in whatever those changes will be, but you’re kidding yourself if you don’t think they’re on your horizon, despite whether you want them or not.

A lot of the time, there’s always one person in a couple who’s more invested in their relationship. It’s easy for everyone around you to notice and tell you to walk away but it’s not always that easy, right? Isn’t it the best when you’re really close friends with someone but also in love with them at the same time? It hurts like fuck though when someone keeps abusing that and using you to comfort their own insecurities.

She’s becoming a complete mess but we continue on, you don’t just fall out of love with someone, but it’s getting harder. We all make choices, we do what we want, relationship or not. The penny drops one day, she has a massive issue. Excessive drinking, partying and random hookups are okay for single people, but not for a couple. I guess I always knew deep down but I can’t stop lying to other people about it any more, far less myself. A dignified silence is for the best, given everything that we’ve shared, I’m not about to throw her under the bus to our friends. If it makes me look like the bad guy, then I’m okay with that, her health and wellbeing is more important. It’s becoming clear to see that we’re ending soon, but it’s not the kind of thing to talk to someone else about, who wants to admit that their relationship is falling faster than a barrel over Niagara? I want to continue loving her despite the fact that she doesn’t seem to want me in the same way that I want her. Who the fuck wants to stick around just to give someone attention and comfort when they need it. No point in having a relationship when nothing is on your terms. What happened to compromise and understanding?

The night comes and the sunset that evening is heartbreakingly beautiful. The conversation will be tough but it needs to happen, and the look on her face says everything. Words are said because I need to find a way to stop liking, far less loving her. Sometimes a relationship ending conversation doesn’t determine who’s right, only who’s left.

I’m not saying it was your fault, although you could have done more. Will there maybe something there regardless of what she did? Tonight, tomorrow, always.

All you want from someone you let into your life? Just don’t let me down.

@TheSamMcLeod

Everything is blurry.

We have hands that barely ever touched. We have lips that almost never met. We never really had a chance, did we?

We are absolutely failing.

Lots of things can be fixed. Sometimes though, a relationship between two people can’t be fixed, because it shouldn’t be. If neither of you are making the effort, then the penny begins to drop. Arguments happen again and again. Silences become more frequent. Whisper screaming at each other. That’s when you know it’s over. As soon as you start thinking about the beginning of the end, it’s the end. It’s time for you to break away from the person that’s breaking you. A lot of people will break your heart during your life, but if you look at it positively, only one will be the worst. You can love someone to the point where no one understands. It doesn’t matter though if no one gets it, as long as you get it. When you find something like that, you don’t want to let it go. Sometimes though you have to.

Breaking up is a natural thing when you’re trying to work out what it is that you want in your life. If you’re with someone who isn’t aligned with your thinking, did you even have a chance from the start? Feelings have that way of shaking us awake and helping us see what we’re willing to settle for, against what it is that we really want. Turns out that not being together any more might be a good thing. For both people.

Moving on is easier than staying moved on though, isn’t it?

It’s not the actual breaking up that prevents you from getting back together again, even if that’s what you both want. It’s because little pieces of you both get lost. The whole shape of your relationship, the whole dynamic has changed. Too little, too late. The chemistry wasn’t in doubt but the timing was everything. Sigh.

Whilst a lot of it was good, we ruined each other for a while by being together and we partly destroyed each other’s dreams. It wasn’t intentional, no hurt was meant, it just happened.

Three words said. Eight letters, five vowels and three consonants. I love you. It was the start of something beautiful but it was also the start of a slippery slope. Much later, the words changed. Two words, seven letters, three vowels and four consonants. It’s over. Twenty six letters in the alphabet, and now you’ll always be the 24th.

If you have to wonder if someone loves you and wants to be with you, chances are they don’t. It shouldn’t be that complicated, should it? You shouldn’t have to waste time waiting and wondering. Why spend your incredibly precious hours, dreaming or thinking of someone that doesn’t want to be with you? They can’t be that amazing, certainly not if they’re willing to play games with your heart.

The thing with breaking up is that person isn’t there any more, but the memories have a way of staying around.

Don’t listen to songs that you used to listen to together, at least not straight away. Go to bed for as long as you can or want, cry until the tears stop. Delete their number immediately. Book a few days away somewhere. Steer clear of photos of you both, how can that end well? Forgive yourself for being foolish for putting your trust in someone that didn’t reciprocate it. Continue to breathe, continue to smile.

Sometimes, something will happen and the memories will come flooding back. A song will appear on shuffle or a film might pop up on your television, and you’ll wonder what they’re up to. You have no way of knowing but you think what you think at the time. You could always email, text or pick up the phone but then they’ll know that you’re thinking of him or her. Not a good idea, right?

You never want them to know you’re thinking of them, so as tough as it might be, you stop yourself. Before long, the memories start to fade, don’t they? A day will come when you realise that you can’t quite remember how they smelled or the exact colour of their eyes. Some people will tell you that a day will come when you just forget that person altogether, but that’s bullshit, isn’t it? You may well replace old memories with new ones, and move on with your life but can you ever really forget?

If they get in touch after a while to tell you that they’ve missed you though, isn’t the perfect response to tell them that you missed yourself too?

Things will be okay. Turbulent, then calm.

@TheSamMcLeod