Take my hand when you can’t see the light.

To many of us, the unknown is a scary thing, although it really doesn’t need to be. Think of all the good things that will happen to you and just enjoy waiting for them. You don’t know what all of them are yet but isn’t that a cool thing? Let your imagination go crazy, you never know, they could all come true. Sure, it’s confusing at times. Just maybe though you can find comfort in that confusion. A lot of feelings come into your world because of things being misconstrued or left unsaid. Confusion. A lot of the time, secrets and truths aren’t revealed in the words between two people.

The path to where we’re supposed to go isn’t always an easy one. We go down the wrong road sometimes. So, we get lost, we turn back, perhaps we turn back again. Maybe it doesn’t matter which road we leave on, maybe all that matters is that we leave? We can all be afraid to try but new things but we really shouldn’t. Trying this one thing that scared the shit out of me, led me to the rest of my life.

It’s oxymoronic but if you begin to understand who you are without trying to change yourself, then aren’t you changing anyway? Maybe life is about not knowing and taking chances when you can, because you have zero idea about what’s going to happen next. Isn’t part of the fun not knowing exactly what the fuck we’re supposed to be doing? Life.

Sometimes the things that we have to deal with on a daily basis can come from all of us not knowing our abilities, our frailties, our strengths, even ourselves. If a lot of us go almost all of the way through our lives as complete strangers to ourselves, then how can we possibly know anyone else? We can never really know another person, except other than our first glance at him or her, unless you continue down that road, should you decide to choose it. In that glance though, don’t we know everything? Maybe we’re not ready yet to work it out completely but hopefully one day we will. Maybe one person comes along and changes it all for you.

What if you lose them for a while though?

Everyone has experienced some sort of heartbreak in their lifetime, no one is immune. Every story of not having someone around any more is different, but don’t we all understand that basic, gut wrenching emotion that comes from saying goodbye to someone that we love, especially when we don’t know when we’ll see that person again?

Men are often accused of being stubborn, of not knowing our own weaknesses. Fair comment, right? Isn’t it the same rationale then, that we also don’t know our own strengths? Maybe we can be strong enough to deal with that loss. There will be days though when you miss someone so much that you feel like your heart could explode. There have been days like that, a complete sense of feeling lost, of feeling like you can’t function without seeing or speaking to that special person in your life. We’re taught to always be humble. How can you be humble though when you’re swollen with pride? You can be happy and unhappy at the same time, can’t you? Sometimes a father’s tears are unseen but they are there.

Sometimes all that it takes is falling down to really know where you stand.

For those most special of people in your life, you want to be one who helps to build and nurture them in anyway that you can. You want to be someone who has an understanding for everything that they feel. Don’t all of us want to leave the people in our life better than when we found them? It’s simple, isn’t it? Just do your best to try and treat people with understanding. Sometimes you mess up but hopefully you can make it right again.

The happiest moment of my life was when she was born. It was also the most scary. To a father who is getting older in every second of every day, nothing is more dear than a daughter. Try and tell me that someone else in this world can love a girl more than her father. I dare you.

It’s the simple things sometimes. Taking her swimming, having lunch with her when she orders a hot dog that’s the same size as her arm. Going shopping with her and silently cursing under my breath about how much it costs, whilst secretly loving it all at the same time. Trying to catch her before she falls. Picking her up, hugging her, telling her that it’ll be okay and then letting her try again. When she would tell me that she needed me, she had no clue that I needed her a million times more.

All I want is to make her tomorrow better than her today. That will never change. I want to be the light that she needs when her world goes dark. I want to be her living, breathing superhero. She might think sometimes that she’s on her own but she’s not. What she’ll always have standing behind her, is the love of her father. She might not know it but she’s had me wrapped around her finger since the day she was born. I don’t have her hand right now but you can be damn fucking sure that I have her back. Always. I’m forever on your side.

Somebody to you.

The first glance at someone you like. Hopefully, that leads to the first date. Fingers crossed that the first kiss with that someone follows. Who knows after that? A relationship to end all relationships? Marriage? Babies? It’s pretty cool to be someone’s first kiss or love but isn’t it better to be their last everything though?

That new feeling about someone. Isn’t it the best? Chances are that you didn’t go looking for them, they perhaps just turned up uninvited?

We can only speak about our own experiences though, right?

Connecting with her was a coincidence, something straight out of left field. Becoming her friend was a choice. Falling in love with her? No choice in the matter really, the heart wants, what the heart wants. I thought she was perfect and so I fell for her. Soon after, I realised that she wasn’t perfect. What happened? I loved her even more. Not loving her was never an option, it just had to happen.

How did we go from this innocent interaction to where we are now? This conversation that has grown and grown. Me waiting for you to grow tired of me, even though you instigated all of this. We share jokes and some terrible conversation at times but it resonates. It can only be love and some unbelievable chemistry that I’ve yet to make sense of and might never make sense of.

It’s almost going to be like a journey. It starts at never and hopefully ends at forever. How could it start? There was no comprehension that it could even be a thing. It’s quite a wonderful thing though. The way that she smiles at me, the way that I know that she’s fallen asleep when those little three dots on the alerts aren’t flashing any more. She’s sound asleep, hopefully dreaming of me, and that’s all I need to know for now. Maybe it’s all that I’ll ever need to know.

I may not be with her at all times, but she knows that she’s never far away from my heart. Impossible. I think about her, I dream about her. Who knows how the whole life thing works? Maybe I have searched for her for all of my life and it just took me a little while to find her. When loving the fact that someone else’s happiness is more important than your own, does that make you feel like this is the one thing that you need? It’s how I feel right now.

You have no conception of how hard it is to stop myself thinking about you. We should play a game. Flip a coin. I always pick tails. Tails, you are mine. Heads, I belong to you. Win win?

The thing is, that the best feeling right now, is when you look at me. I might already have been staring at you forever from afar though. You did what you do though, you called me on it and now we are where we are. Pretty fucking cool, in my mind. Let’s face it, you don’t know it for sure yet but I’m much more myself when I’m with you. Out of all the men in this world, you chose me. I’m nothing compared to anyone else that you could have picked and I’m baffled. Also, I’m blown away.

Now what happens is that I can’t see myself without you. You’re nothing short of my everything and I have no idea how this even happened. Each day I love you more. I picture your face when we’re not together. I imagine your voice when we’re not speaking. It’s at that stage, isn’t it? No matter what you say, no matter what you do, I’m always right there behind you. Just when I think that it is impossible to love you any more, you prove me wrong. A text. A message. A picture. You pouring out your heart and being honest. Especially when you’re turbo boozy. Ugh. Near perfection.

I’m going to be always in love with you, surely? Can I swear it? I hope so.

I’ve also always thought that the one thing that would be amazing is being the centre of someone else’s universe. When you come along and tell me that you think that I’m the centre of your universe, isn’t it nigh on impossible for my heart not to almost burst?

Comfortable isn’t the right word, but what if this love comes from finding someone you feel utterly content with? You’re that someone who makes me comfortable with myself. It’s better than finding myself.

It’s a complete risk to fall for you, to love you, to need you, to want you. If it doesn’t work out, what happens then? Hang on though, what if it does?

There is one thing that you need to know. I don’t love you just because of who you are. When I’m with you, I’m better. Not just to you, but to everyone in my life. I know that you might think that is crazy. Maybe that’s because it is and I am. About this situation, about you.

Maybe that’s what this is? Sunshine. Craziness. Hurricanes. Having someone who helps you through different experiences, encourages you to try new things but will always have your back and make you feel safe?

All I wish for is to be your favourite boy. When you think of me, you smile. Your favourite smile. All I know is that your the prettiest thing that I’ve ever seen. I just want to be somebody for you.

I know now that I’ll always want that.

Quiet nights in. Wine. Me hearing about your day. I cook, you speak. I massage your feet, you relax. Just that.

So here it is, one more time. I find you incredibly beautiful. The best part about getting to know you more is knowing that each day will bring new surprises that are all about you. The flipside is that you’ll find out new things about me too.

Our friendship has been born because in that moment you said hello. My heart has been exploding ever since. I’ve cherished all our moments. The best thing is that there will be more moments. Since I’ve met you, I began to understand why all of my past relationships came to an end. You. It was always you.

I just want to be somebody to someone. Now I know who that someone is.

@TheSamMcLeod

You can shine so bright.

We’re all born the same, aren’t we? Full of happiness? Full of innocence? Full of sweetness? Not all full of cuteness, because in all honesty, despite what people might tell you, not all babies are cute.

Thom was essentially a happy, young child. His parents split not long after he was born, so he didn’t know anything else than just having to rely on his mother. No different to a lot of children around the world, some of us just grow up with only one parent around.

As a child, all he wanted was love from both of his parents. His father wasn’t around but he still loved him and he wanted that love reciprocated. At least that’s what he was told, his father wasn’t around. Your father didn’t care. Your father never visited. Your father never called. So, Thom just accepted it. As a young child, if your mother tells you something, it must be true.

It was just the two of them against the rest of the world, she told him.

At least until she moved on and met someone else and soon after, that someone else became the father figure that every person in the world wants and needs at some point in their life.

It didn’t matter that he wasn’t his biological father. Could that man be everything that he needed him to be? A man to look up to and to be in awe of? Someone to aspire to? Even for one so young, Thom quickly realised that it was better to stop looking for love that simply wasn’t there, it just didn’t exist.

He had to do whatever he was told, especially when his mother was at work. Tidy your room or get a clip around the head. Don’t talk back or else you’ll get beaten with the business end of the vacuum cleaner repeatedly.

All he wanted was to be able to connect. To have that intrinsic sense of trust and safety with someone who had suddenly become one of his parents. It wasn’t possible though and he couldn’t do anything about it. How could he? Thom was only seven years old. It was pretty difficult for him to take solace in an environment where everything he did wasn’t right. Come home with a great school report? Scolded for being too clever for his own good. Do well at sports? Belittled for making the other children feel inadequate. He didn’t understand, he was too young. Confusion reigned supreme. He didn’t dare question the person who had the most power in the relationship though. Was his mother oblivious? Thom sure fucking hoped so but he could never tell her what was going on. He was too scared. He thought being locked out of the house was acceptable even although he knew that someone was at home.

He didn’t even know what abuse was. Whatever it was though, he did know that it wasn’t obvious. A punch to the face? Of course not, a black eye at school could get noticed. Punches to the ribs and whacks on the top of the legs with a baseball bat are much less visible.

Thom found that it was easy to hate him, to never speak to him or look him in the eye. All he wanted was to not be in his presence.

He slowly started to see that reflection of himself as almost a will to live, as something tangible to help push beyond things. There was nothing coming from his mother and whilst that broke his heart, he could see a way out. He knew that it might take years but he knew that he had the self belief to make it happen and for everything to go back to the way that it was before.

Taking on a child that belongs to someone else must be difficult. There are people out there who are fantastic at it though. Thom knows this to be true. Some guys out there turn their family life into an endless road trip with fantastic intentions, they’re headed in the right direction as a new bunch of people. They should be applauded.

There is research out there showing that men who have abusive fathers show disrespect towards their female partners. Shitty as fuck, right? Undoubtedly, there is an amount of abusive men that do hate women. What is it? A sense of superiority? Just general contempt? Whatever it is, it’s fucking horrible. Maybe his stepfather was a nice guy? Spoiler, he wasn’t. Maybe he didn’t show his hatred towards women until he was in a serious relationship? Can anyone explain that behaviour without an expensive therapist? Good luck if you can, kudos to you.

Any child that is raised in a family is entitled to live a life with love. With fulfilment. Not a life of self doubt and fear. Why would you give a child growing up a period of hurt and difficulty? Why would you tell them that they wish that they’d never born? That they’ll go through their life without the prospect of being with someone else, someone important to them? Someone to love? The message must be one of control and manipulation? Is that man trying to create a dependency? Why bother if he’s just going to fucking beat him at every opportunity that he gets?

A day comes though. He was stronger. No remorse. Certainly there will be no fucking apology. He’s at peace, accepting that his parents won’t and can’t help him out of the mess that they created. It’s time to go it alone and it felt great!

His mother had given him life, and he was thankful for all of it. Turns out though, that everything that she told him about his father was a lie. He came every weekend, only to be turned away. It was her secret, a secret that she kept from Thom. It would have been easy to have a deep hatred for what she was but she was his mother. He loved her. The bones of her.

Maybe without a real man to help her and to love her, she didn’t know how to behave? It affected Thom but he’s at peace with it now. No point in holding grudges, right?

A day will come though when none of us needs to take the lies anymore, Thom especially. The most important people in your life might reject you for telling lies. Maybe you told lies to protect people. They might reject you for telling the truth about what happened to you? Maybe? If someone tells you something, you might believe it. It doesn’t make it true. None of us are alone.

You need to remember that you can be your own spotlight.

@TheSamMcLeod