Ticking of clocks.

Doesn’t having a type seem a bit restricting? You can say that you only like blondes, but then you can meet a brunette or a redhead who turn out to be fabulous. Do you ignore someone just because of some silly rule that you’ve created for yourself? Sometimes, someone comes into your life straight out of left field. Okay, it’s a baseball reference, but all it means is that something has happened to you that’s a little bit different, something untypical, something unusual. Hopefully it’s not a bad thing. You don’t need to try and find someone that you’re compatible with, maybe they find you, but you still need to work up the courage to talk to them. There are obvious pros and cons of dating, but you keep going until you find the person who might be the one. Could this finally be it?

It’s perfectly okay to decide to try someone new. Any new relationship always begins with a first for the both of you. Someone has to ask the first question and someone has to be ready with the first answer. There will be plenty of more firsts to come, if the answer to the question was yes. A first date, a first drink, a first meal together, a first kiss. Anything new is exciting. First never follows, right?

Sometimes though, one of you falls harder than the other.

What happens if one of you is rebounding? Perhaps the person that you meet, still hasn’t moved on from their previous relationship. They might want nothing to do with their ex, but feelings don’t just go away. Maybe that makes them want to embrace something new, as hard as they can. It’s understandable though. Do you wait around for the previous love, even though there’s a chance you’ll get hurt again?

Once they’ve moved on though, that first love can become interested again, sparking hope that everything can work again for them once more. Maybe the new person in your life now has this constant debate of whether or not to move on properly. It’s not easy for them but you need to think of yourself, so now you’re not sure what to do. First you lose trust, then you get worried. Another first. You can naturally become distant and that almost makes them more needy. Someone can tell you that they want you, but if their head isn’t in the right place, doesn’t that make you hesitant? Understandably, you don’t get too close, too fast. You feel hurt, so you move on. All well and good but too soon? It’s easy to get caught up in a back and forth game of who has your heart.

Getting close to someone can make us vulnerable, liking someone can somehow scare us off. When you truly open yourself up to someone and give them your trust, it can be an uneasy feeling. Someone new can do nothing to jeopardise things, but we can still be irrationally worried that something bad is going to happen because of things that have happened to us before. When you lose trust in someone or something, it’s not difficult to feel anxious and to expect the worst. It’s not fair but you feel how you feel.

It’s natural that you have the feeling that you’ll get hurt again and that you’ll become trapped about worrying what to do. The emotional miles add up. No one ever tells you where the edge of the pool is. You just wade out there and at some point, you find yourself in deep water. Do you keep on swimming or do you turn back? It’s easy to ask yourself, how am I the lucky one?

That feeling when you become close with someone. Maybe it’s something and nothing initially. A thing that just happened in the moment. It grows slower for one of you, but it still grows.

When you meet someone who has recently left someone, they might have chosen to move on, but isn’t there still going to be a love between the two of them? Maybe they chased you though? A lot of us have pursued and a lot of us have been pursued. We’ve all been rejected, and most of us have rejected at least one person in our lives. We all lose now and again, sometimes we win, nobody’s completely infallible. We know it’s unfair but it is what it is. Life.

Maybe you can be happy with someone new, but you can’t shake the feeling that maybe you should have stayed where you were. Maybe moving on was wrong, and you’re frightened that you’ll lose that love forever. Choose. You’re either in or you’re out. There are no more games to be played.

Focus on yourself. You never want to be so busy living that you forget to make a life for yourself. There’s no point in going looking for a pineapple if you already have a peach.

It was her. She was the one who showed interest first, she wanted this relationship first. She became confusing, someone that you couldn’t talk to about how you were feeling. She became cold and avoidant. It was confusing, given how she’d previously been so inviting. She said she wanted something, and then suddenly she wanted something different. Someone different.

I look at her and have no idea what she’s thinking. I used to think that I liked not having the answers to everything important. Now I know that I need them. I need to know. I do not deserve to wait around forever when you were there first.

@TheSamMcLeod