The fuel to your flame.

Empathy, it’s a cool trait to have, isn’t it? Being understanding of what anyone you know has going on in their life is a good thing, assuming that they’re willing to let you in. When someone chooses to pour their heart out to you, it’s easy to become more concerned about them, but don’t we always want to do anything we can for the people that we care even a tiny iota about?

Kindness is another cool thing to have in your armour. Treat people like you want to be treated, right? Sure, it’s easier said than done sometimes, but maybe if we all approach each day with that mindset, we’ll do okay. It sounds like a glib thing to say, but you wake up every day choosing how you treat people. Strangers, your partner, your friends, your work colleagues. It doesn’t sound too difficult, but sometimes it’s not easy. Things impact your own life and so sometimes you’ll not always be in the right place to offer help when it’s needed. It’s okay to miss things sometimes, but you reach out when realise that you need to, don’t you?

Whilst it’s absolutely the right thing to do, your kindness can be interpreted by different people in different ways. Some take your intentions in the way that you meant them, some others don’t, and whilst it’s those people who’ve read things wrong, it’s hard not to feel like you’ve misjudged things also. Did you go too far, did you give them too much attention when they needed help, did you make a mistake? We all make them, probably every day, certainly on a regular basis. Perhaps the difference is what we do after our mistakes, whether we learn from them or continue to make them again and again. It’s okay to make them but you want to try and not make them again.

Sometimes though, your radar is off, a mistake is coming and you have absolutely no idea about the consequences you’re going to face.

This one might be a battle, might not turn out okay.

When you split with someone that you thought you’d be with forever, don’t you try and focus on anything else you can that will help you try and do whatever the fuck it takes to make you get through it? Work it is.

The week is a little different than usual. Forty five interviews in five days is draining but finally it’s over. Two people are needed for my team and there are only six that make the shortlist. It’s like the NFL draft, will I get my number one pick? Turns out I do, but I have someone forced on me by the powers above that I don’t want. Nothing against her, she seems cool enough but sometimes you have a gut feeling about people, about things. Always trust it, right?

Days and weeks pass and it seems like my gut was spot on. She has a lovely personality, she’s friendly, warm, she’s Snow White classically pretty but there’s a but. No one else can put their finger on it either, but something isn’t quite right. Drinks are arranged one night, everyone gets involved, it’s cool to unwind without the stress of work chat.

Too many drinks are had by most, some of us remain sensible, but she doesn’t. She breaks down, starts crying, emotional kryptonite for most of us boys. I walk her home, making sure that she’s safe and we talk for most of the night. She opens up about personal things going on in her life, suddenly I get why she’s been off her game. She reaches in for a kiss and I don’t stop her. A mistake. I stay over, and whilst nothing happens, it’s another mistake.

More days and weeks pass and things develop, a proper relationship starts. More mistakes are made, I was just a pawn in a game that I finally realised one day that I’d never really understood. She’s pretty, she’s younger than me, she’s a girl that turns heads when she walks into a room. Irresistible. Who wouldn’t take a chance?

When we go out for dinner or drinks though, she gets numbers from boys just to satisfy her own ego. She talks down to my female friends, to the point where they don’t want to be around me when I’m with her. What am I doing? She’s batting a thousand and I’m the 1962 New York Mets, an absolute shitshow. I think she’s better than me in every way so I accept it every time, but that’s toxic and I know it but I need to accept it. Don’t I?

We argue a lot. There are a shit ton of emotions, anger, a lack of trust, blame, feeling unheard and undervalued, hostility, jealousy, what’s the point in even hanging around? No good relationship is built on magical thinking. You can know that someone is no good for you, yet the games and mixed signals seem okay to you sometimes but it’s acceptable to be vulnerable. It’s an abusive relationship, mentally rather than physically. I don’t know what you’re doing to me, better that we end our days and split our ways. Time to tell her, she’s the first girl I’ve ever broken up with on my terms. A meet is arranged. When I turn the corner and I see her standing there, my heart skips a beat, but tension corkscrews in my stomach. The words are said, it’s not healthy for me, and truth be told, how can it be healthy for her? Now gravity is a little less heavy though.

There was that element of chance but now I’ve learned lessons that I’ll never forget. Fucking mistakes. Just maybe you need to try and forgive yourself for the mistakes that you’ve made. You’re not crazy to be curious, we’re all going to disappoint someone at some point, but you don’t want to be disappointed. It’s not fair but you have to think of your own wellbeing sometimes.

Right now, I’d sooner lick an electric fence than let another girl in, but hopefully that’ll change in time. Trust is sacred and hopefully I won’t let this get in the way of the lady that comes next.

Relationship status? South of okay, north of giving a shit about her any more.

I know we’ll never be friends again but I hope that you know that I’d never do any of those things to you that you did to me. Hopefully it never happens to you, but maybe we’re all attracted to people that have the ability to hurt us. Sometimes it’s hard not to think what or who we think we love can affect us the most, but the truth catches up with us eventually.

@TheSamMcLeod
@YouMeMusicLife

Now you’re gone, but I’ll be okay.

Good things come and go in life. Bad things come and go in life. Good people come and go in life. Bad people? You get the picture.

There are many things that make each of us happy. We all like different things. Music, sports teams, television shows, we all have different opinions on many different subjects and that’s cool. Your opinion on a certain subject may make you like someone or dislike someone. Again, that’s cool, why shouldn’t that be the case?

We all experience new things on our lives on a daily basis. In some circumstances, we’ll remember some experiences fondly. We’ll look back on others with sadness, regret, perhaps even anger. That’s just how it goes, right?

When life is going well, it’s the best thing in the world. Each of us are happy and that has a knock on effect on how we treat everyone that we come in contact with. It can make each of our days a little bit brighter and that’s an amazing thing. More than likely, we’ll feel more positive about the people that we meet, the challenges or circumstances that face us and the obstacles that we may have to overcome.

Hopefully, each and everyone one of us has one or more person in our respective lives that we’d do anything for. There are people in my life that I’d like to think that I’d die for if I had to. There are people in my life that I’d also like to think that I’d kill for if I had to. All melodramatic, I know but it’s just how I feel. I doubt I’d be alone in thinking these thoughts. Friends and family are important but it’s easy to take those people for granted.

Some people will stay in your life forever and that’s a wonderful thing. Some people will also leave your life quickly or perhaps over time. That decision to let people go can be be easy but it can also be very difficult. When you’re facing a tough decision about who to keep in your life and who to let go, self doubt can creep in.

It can be a torturous time, deciding who to keep in your life and who to let go. However, chances are that the decisions or heartache that you are going through is not fuelled by the words or actions of those others; it is fuelled by the mind that gives it credence or importance.

Not too long ago, I had to let someone incredibly close to me go. It was difficult to do but the relationship wasn’t healthy any more and it was better for me to say goodbye to that person.

It was a tough decision at the time but I’m a great believer in making sure that you look after yourself and to try and keep yourself happy.

The good memories have faded but the bad ones have too. It’s not good when you miss someone but the emotional pain will grow less as time passes. I used to think that my heart was broken, but time is a great healer.

I miss missing you.

We could stay young forever.

It’s been a crazy week, one full of changes.

I’ve started a new job and feel it’s going well unless my employers want to tell me otherwise?! As big of a change as that is though, I’ve just made a bigger one. Today I tendered notice on the lease on my flat that I’ve lived in on my own for nearly ten years.

Scary stuff for me personally but a quote that I read about change tempered the fear a bit.

Paulo Coelho said “When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”

He was right, a week was enough time to make my mind up, decision made, time to move on. Although not the biggest test or challenge that anyone will ever have to undergo, it’s still a huge thing for me.

No more nights of just doing what I want all the time. No more video game or film posters adorning the walls. No more wall to wall bookcases filled with books of all of my favourite authors. Goodbye to the fridge that was permanently full of beer.

This was the first place that I ever thought of as mine. Whilst I’ve lived here, I’ve changed jobs. Girlfriends have come and gone. The swing has been retired. It’s an in joke with friends, it’s probably best left unexplained!

The one constant that I’ve had in the last ten years is that I could always come back here and know that I was home. Things change though and within a month, I’ll call somewhere else home.

It’s difficult for me to get my head around but I know that it will be amazing, it’s time to finally embrace all the changes in my life.

I can’t stay young forever.