You elevate the life in me.

Trust, ironically is hard for me to trust. That’s why my circle of friends is small. I’m a bit of a social hand grenade when it comes to making new friends.

At least I know that, but I know it’s on me. Is there anything better than having friends though, keeping those special people in your life? You should never lose a chance to make new ones, right?

True friends are the people who make you smile every single time that you’re in touch with with them, remotely or in person. New friends can often have a better time together than old friends, can’t they? It’s that excitement of when you start a new relationship, isn’t it?

If you’re a decent human being, then you should kind to everyone, but you want to choose the best people to be your friends, don’t you? No point in choosing them otherwise. Assuming that they choose you back or that they accept your friendship in the first place.

It’s nigh on impossible for you to know which of the strangers you’re going to meet that’ll become your friend. Being polite to everyone is a pretty good rule to live your life by though. You don’t want to be careless with other people’s hearts and you shouldn’t put up with people who are careless with your heart.

It can be tough however. A lot of us are closed doors, we can’t just open up when we’re asked to. Some of us aren’t pieces of paper, you can’t unfold us and find out what you need to know. Aren’t there always parts of us that we want to close off from the world? Bits of us that we can’t even touch ourself because they’re too painful. Too tough, right? Now and again though, you meet someone who instantly gets you. Someone who illuminates the in-between.

What is the meaning of a good friendship? How significant it is in your life? They can give us comfort when we need it, can’t they? The Japanese have a word, kenzoku, which when translated, means family. It implies the deepest connection of a friendship. Pretty cool.

It’s not always that easy though. Good people come, good people go, bad people come, bad people go, it’s just life. You always know when something comes to an end, don’t you? It’s simple though once you get past your heart hurting. When you let certain people and memories go, it just means that you’re making some room for other people and other memories to take their place. You need to let some people go, to detach yourself from their life. Before a new chapter begins, you tell yourself that the old one needs to end.

Regardless of where about in the world, your new friends live in relation to you, you automatically understand that there are precious few you that you should hold onto. You work hard to bridge the gap in geography and time initially but then it becomes second nature, you make your friendship work. Sometimes it’s easier than that, things just click and a random conversation leads to a new friend. Someone that you can tell anything to. Someone who can tell you anything that they feel that they want to. A new friend.

Happiness with your friends is all you want surely? Those smiles of new friends can help if you’re feeling down. You would do the same for them though and hopefully you pull each other through if either of you is having a bad day. You can accept inalienable truths from a good friend, sometimes it might be what you need.

You can take advice from anyone but sometimes it’s that new friend who can help you see what you need to.

It was random how she came along. Just someone reaching out to someone else. That first contact meant that other contact followed. A conversation started. It turns out we have a lot of things in common. Sport, music, our sense of humour. Don’t forget tacos. It’s a new friendship and it’s pretty cool. We’re in touch when each of us wants to be. Hours or days could go by with silence and that’s fine. We’ll converse back and forth for ages and that’s fine too. I sleep when I need to, she sleeps when she needs to. One of us will be awake whilst the other sleeps and we just go about our day or night. We’re just friends but again, that’s pretty cool.

It’s amazing how easy it is for things to change in your life. You think your day will be the same and then you wind up somewhere new. It’s a new friend, a new boyfriend or girlfriend, maybe a breakup. Maybe at the same time, each moment we experience has another thousand moments underneath that make it looks different. Make a new friend, what’s the worst that could happen?

My day, my experience was meeting someone new that makes my days better.

@TheSamMcLeod

Maybe you just need a friend.

A big part of depression is feeling alone, even if you’re in a room full of people. You can be surrounded, but if you don’t feel like you can talk to anyone, you might as well not be there because you’re on your own. Loneliness can feel bad and good at the same time though, can’t it?

You don’t want to do anything, you don’t even want to wake up because you’ll just be expected to see the day through. It’s no way to live your life.

Having a good day day can be tough sometimes. It’s about finding as many beautiful moments in your day, isn’t it? What happens though if trying to do that for 24 hours is just too much to ask?

Sometimes, all you can do is just stay in bed, and try to sleep before you begin to fall apart. Again and again. You don’t want to crumble but you can’t control it. Sometimes sadness isn’t audible, no one hears it.

A lot of the time, the nights aren’t much better. Those feelings that wash over you as you’re in bed, staring at the ceiling. Replaying in your head all of those things you didn’t get right. Regret has never been a cure for insomnia but it’s tough. You might cry until your eyes close, so eventually you manage to fall asleep. You wake up though and you remember. It starts again. You don’t want to see a single person. You’re in bed with the blinds or curtains closed. Whatever happened to you is your own fault, isn’t it? You’re drowning. No point in being alive any more, you might as well be dead.

Can’t it be difficult sometimes to see the incredible person that you are? Maybe all that you need to know is that someone would miss you if you weren’t around. Sometimes all you want is for someone to wrap their heart around you. Life. It’s about making a mark on the tapestry on someone or something, isn’t it?

One day someone is going to walk into your life and they’re going to need you to love them. Maybe that’s what love comes down to. You have someone who cares enough to devote themself to you so that you spark yourself back into normality. Can you hang on? Perhaps all you want to be is the best version of yourself for that special boy or girl.

Some people don’t and won’t ever understand how you might be feeling unless you tell them. How desperate you are to have someone to tell you that they love you and that they wouldn’t change you for the world?

You can look at someone but not see them for what they really are. You can take or judge someone at face value, but you can be so wrong, can’t you? Everyone has secrets. Sometimes it’s those secrets that burn inside of you that keep you going. There will be wounds that never show on your body that are deeper and that will cause more pain than any cut you have that ever bleeds. Just life, right? Believe that someone else is undergoing the same battles that you might be experiencing.

For a while, hopefully a short while, you can tell yourself that you’ve strayed off of the path where it is that you want to go. You’ll find your way back to where you want to go, won’t you? Night comes though and the struggles start again. You don’t to be with people and you don’t want to be alone. Fucking hell.

Is depression a war that you can win? You’d hope so but it’s a battle you fight every day. You never stop, never get to rest. It’s one messy thing after another.

Your judgement is constantly questioned by the people you know, but it’s just something that you have to deal with. Breaking down doesn’t mean that your life is done. A day comes when you’re finally in touch with the bad things going on in your life. You can cope, you get it. You can accept it eventually.

Ever wonder how the darkness wins? Better not to think about it, right? Who the hell wants the darkness to win?

Happiness is an ongoing battle, a complete struggle, a never-ending fight.

In a strange way, you can fall in love with your depression. You can love it because you think it was all that you had or have. Depression isn’t the part of your character that makes you matter. Don’t think so little of yourself. Don’t feel that you have little to offer the world because you do. You matter. Mental health matters.

As clumsy as you’ve been, there’s no one laughing.

@TheSamMcLeod

It’s 11:11..

Phenomenology. It’s the idea that you can see something or someone but not really be aware of it or them. The thing or things that blend into your every day life. Most of us see all of those things but are never consciously aware of them. In order to see them for what they are, you need to actually realise that they’re there. Makes sense, right?

She was in his life, not on a daily basis but he knew who she was.

There was no reason for it happening. None whatsoever, but it did. Not only did it happen, but it became something that neither of them could ever have expected. They didn’t meet in any conventional manner. No drinks at a bar, no meal at a restaurant, no film at a cinema. It turns out that there was a connection though.

Everything changed, the moment that he first met her properly. He lived in a country of millions of people, but from then on, he wanted only her. In a world full of men who could catch her eye, he wanted to be the one to make her eyes sparkle. She was pretty. Her voice melted his heart. The way she said his name? It’s how you would want your name to be said by anyone that you’re in love with. Some people just don’t have the emotional room for compassion, but she had it in spades.

Calls, emails, messages, catching up whenever they could, everything moved at a frenetic pace.

She was a disaster sometimes, in the nicest possible way, but she was worth all of the effort, all of the time. Sure, she had things going on that he tried to understand and have empathy with, tough as it was. He had plenty going on as well and she understood. It’s just life, why wouldn’t all of us understand? She was a fragile heart in a wild place, not like a flower, more like a hand grenade but he loved it.

She was an escape, just when he needed to get away. On some level, don’t we all dream of escaping from our everyday lives? We think about breaking free from our daily routines. Maybe that’s why a lot of people love magic, because we crave surprise. An escape from the predictable. That one moment when we genuinely don’t know what will happen next? Is that how we know we’re alive? She made him feel that way.

She told him that he was everything to her. He told her that he felt the same way about her but that almost worried her more than if he had never said those words. She thought more girls would want to be with him because they couldn’t have him because he loved her. Flawed logic in his mind but she believed it, so he had to accept it. Someone’s perception is their reality. It’s so easy to read too much into things, or take things the wrong way, she said. I’ve made a point of trying harder not to over think every little thing, she said. He adored her for even saying it.

She also told him that she was in love with him and that he had her whole heart. How sweet and awesome is that? Don’t things always seem to make the most sense when the people involved make no sense at all? No one outside of the two of them understood it. Thing is, a tiny fraction of everyone’s story is all you ever know at any one time. Don’t ever assume a fucking thing.

That intensity that you feel towards one person is intoxicating, isn’t it? Capture every moment with them that you can. Watching her or him smile, wondering what he or she is dreaming about.

Some people have an aura to them. They attract people by simply being themselves. That’s what she did. He didn’t expect her to be perfect, just to be perfect for him. Was she? If a woman can make you laugh, when all you want to do is fight with the world, then she’s a keeper.

It was difficult, they were miles apart from each other in distance, geographically. In every other way, they were right for each other. They thought the same thoughts, they finished each other’s sentences, they liked a lot of the same music, they shared a lot of common interests. Everything that you would want from someone that you think that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, they had. Jealous yet? They’re the two people at a party who aren’t even in the same room but everyone else there, knows that they’re supposed to be together. They were so absorbed by each other that when they went even a day without being in touch, thoughts of missing each other utterly consumed them.

Something flipped though one day. He didn’t change. The way she treated him changed. At least in his mind. She thought the same thing the other way around because he cared enough to ask the question. He heard every word that she said and felt the ones that she didn’t, like a dagger to the heart.

Yet he misses her. A little too much more than he should and a little bit more every day. Will that fade? Time will tell, although apparently time is a healer.

Too much of anything is too much. They didn’t take the time to synchronise both of their hearts because it was too much, too quickly. That might mean living for forever with regrets of what might have been. Such a fucking shame, especially if there isn’t anyway back.

Your head may tell you that you don’t miss that person but it’s bullshit, isn’t it? Your heart knows differently, that’s where you should take your advice from. He misses her and is having a hard time moving on because everywhere he goes there are reminders of her. A song. A voice from a stranger that is similar to her almost perfect voice.

Where she used to be is now a hole in his life. Not every day but sometimes, he’s just wandering around it in a daze. Sucks to be him.

No blame is apportioned but when someone cares enough for you, that they see that they hurt you, don’t they put their ego aside to give you a heartfelt apology? Maybe she doesn’t think that she did anything wrong. Maybe she didn’t. Maybe he didn’t. Perspective rears it’s ugly head again.

Distance isn’t always physical, is it? All that he knows that not being with her, means that he’s in the wrong place. At least for now. Does she have forever? No way. It’s not that he liked his own sadness but he sure doesn’t care for it anymore.

Does she like him? He thinks so. Does she care? He thinks so. Does he care about her? Deeply.

It’s easy to get distracted in life. It’s so full of noise so you try to focus on what’s important. Sometimes your eye can be drawn away, so you get lost in someone else but aren’t they always drifting back to that one person?

You don’t even know what it is that you’re losing until that person isn’t there any more.

Don’t we hope that all of the important people in our life who leave, gravitate back towards us at some point, despite how far you think that they might have wandered in the wrong direction?

However, what if them not being there with you makes them happy? That’s a great feeling. Knowing that someone you love is happy, right?

Did he need her then? Does he need her now? He doesn’t know anything for certain when it comes to her but he’ll figure it out.

Choosing nothing or no one gets you nothing. It’s never easy when something ends but doesn’t a little part of everyone remain behind? Doesn’t it make part of us get stronger as we move forward?

You wait for the one who would do anything to be your everything, don’t you? At least for as long as your heart tells you that it’s time to stop because it can’t take it any more.

It’s really important to have those people in your life who push you to be better, to be different, to care about and love someone who isn’t yourself. Will he be with her? Will she be with him? Will you be with who you want to be with?

Your Konstantine.

@TheSamMcLeod

Say something.

Aren’t the regrets in your life the things you haven’t done, rather than the things you have? Those lost opportunities, those lost possibilities, the feelings that you might never get back. Those moments, when you lose them, can they be found again? They’re gone forever. Aren’t they? Hopefully not. Will we ever know though?

The chances are that if you ask people what they’ve always wanted to do, the most likely response is that they haven’t done it. Me included. Sad in a way, almost heartbreaking for all of us.

We pray for opportunities or chances, we seek out opportunities and we yearn for the slightest chance of something that we want. The good news is that we’ll meet opportunities in every day that we spend on this planet. The bad news is that we miss a lot of them, only to come to a later realisation that we fucked it or them up. Isn’t an opportunity like a bus or a train on the move? Once it’s doors have closed, it’s gone. Another one will come along but will it carry better opportunities? A sliding doors moment, right? Too often, we might miss out on a chance of something because we were too busy or we were too distracted. Maybe we were just shit scared of asking a question and being rejected. Who can say, perhaps we just missed those chances tapping us on our respective shoulders. Excuses will always be there for you, opportunities might not be.

Can you ever undo it, ever unlive it, or relive it all? Why not take the plunge? Say something. Maybe you could have had what you wanted. You’d be silly to not ask the question, wouldn’t you? Don’t miss all of those opportunities along the way to do what you wanted to do because you didn’t have the confidence to tell yourself. Say something?

Some people say that it’s not what happens in your life that matters, it’s what you think happened. Just bullshit or is it true? It can be quite possible that the most important thing to happen in your life will be something that didn’t actually take place. Make sense or not? Maybe you missed the opportunity to make it happen. You wanted it to but you didn’t follow through.

Maybe all, maybe just some of us go through life disappointed in ourselves. Do we all keep a memory of that one moment when we missed out on someone or something?

It was too easy to start rushing towards all of the excitement at a million miles an hour. I should have taken the chance but I didn’t.

It was a road that we didn’t take, towards a door that we never opened. Correction, a road that I didn’t take, towards a door that I never opened. We chatted. We flirted. We joked and we touched each other in a way that people who like each other do. Bumping shoulders, gentles nudges in the ribs, playful rubs of each other’s backs. We shared stories of our travels, tales of your life in Zurich and mine in Sydney and Scotland. New York featured a lot. My favourite city in the world. What are the chances of bumping into you when the place has over 8.5m people living there?

It hits me that I’ve lost you, although I never really had you. Will you now rank among the things I’ll always regret? I’m not sure. Okay, definitely an opportunity lost but should it matter that much? Maybe it does. I found myself feeling for one of the first times in my life that I’d maybe missed out on something. On someone.

Not going to lie, there’s a constant differential dynamic between the excitement and thought of someone new and the security with one person. Not that I have her but taking the chance is scary, perhaps the reason that I didn’t ask the question that I should have.

I always win in my imagination but this time I lost. You might have said no to dinner, to drinks, to something more. I might never know now. I’ll probably never know now.

Don’t be afraid of missing those opportunities in your life, give them a go. Behind every bad decision or misjudgment is an opportunity that somebody wishes they had missed.

Tonight it’s easy to feel like the one who is on the sidelines, the one who has missed out.

If I missed my moment, I missed my moment. Fuck.

Say something.

@TheSamMcLeod

Play the victim.

The truth always comes out in the end, doesn’t it? Never underestimate someone’s ability to make you feel guilty for their mistakes. To make you tell lies for them, to the point where mutual friends disown you. I used to care that those friends weren’t in my life any more, but now? I don’t give a fuck.

She was amazing. I’ve never felt a connection to a human being quite like her before, except for one, a very special little lady who will always be the most important person to me on this planet.

She wasn’t as amazing as I thought though, she fucked up. Next to hurting your family, cheating is the worst thing that someone could do to you.

I don’t care who was with her before me but it would have been nice to not have someone there during me.

Cheating isn’t always flirting, kissing, touching or more. If you’re deleting texts and emails, then you know that you’re already there. You’re a cheat. Cheating and lying aren’t relationship struggles, they’re reasons to break up.

You shouldn’t have to deal with someone who wants to take a relationship in a backwards direction, who needs space or who’s cheating on you.

Fuck you for cheating on me. Fuck you for making me use the the word cheating. This wasn’t five card stud or poker. You weren’t sneaking a look at my cards. These were our lives and you messed up both of them. You killed all of this, but worst of all, you killed it when my back was turned. Maybe it was in front of my face all of the time but I couldn’t see it because I loved you. Fuck, I was in love with you.

The truly scary thing about those previously undiscovered lies was that they had a tendency to diminish better people than me, more than the ones that we all find out or know about. They wash away the foundation of our being, our self-esteem, our very strength. Her lies. Her pretence.

Betrayal was what I felt, my heart broken not just by a girl that I was in love with, but also by someone that I believed that I would be best friends with forever. Losing your best friend is the worst. Add in the fact that you then lose all the people in her life that you inherited and loved. Let’s be honest, if they all choose to pick sides, there’s only going to be one winner.

When you cheat in any facet of your life, you dim your own light. You’re threatening your own self-esteem and your relationships with others by undermining the trust that people have in your ability to be true. Their ability to trust you ever again. A chance worth taking? I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure that we all know so. Well, clearly not all of us.

Natural disasters just happen. Earthquakes just happen. Tornadoes just happen. Your tongue does not just happen to fall into some other boy’s mouth. You don’t happen to just trip, fall and land into someone else’s bed.

I was steeped in denial, but my body knew. My mind knew. Worst of all, my heart knew. Maybe sometimes your heart just needs a tiny bit of time to realise what your mind already knows. Sucks, right?

Those who cheat on their partners who are loyal to them; don’t deserve them. It’s a shitty attitude to disrespect a person who is loyal in a relationship, by cheating on him or her. Why? Just go and be with someone else, we’ll get over the pain in time.

I gave my heart to a girl who told me that she loved me, who told me that she wanted to be with me. It turns out that she was afraid of everything that I offered. Whilst that’s okay, it’s not okay to use that to then decide to sleep with someone else, especially when you tell someone every day that you love them. When you hug someone the minute that they walk through the door. When you lie in bed next to someone every night. Lie is the operative word, I guess.

I didn’t and will never understand why she took a chance on our future, cheating on me, again. By the time she tried to smooth talk her way out of it, I was done. No more crying. Even my heart had given up on her, fuck, even my tears had given up on her. I’d already moved on, her cheating was almost the equivalent of moving out and leaving the key in the mailbox.

Some people view love and romance as a bond never to be broken between a couple. Sadly, there are other people that see both of those things as a game, where the goal is to manipulate or twist someone and gain an emotional hold over their partner. Those horrible people who view love, relationships and romance as a game are much more likely to have multiple love interests; cheating is just another way to gain control in their relationship.

She knows though and I hope that whoever is next for her doesn’t ever feel the way that she made me feel. Everyone of us on this planet has feelings. Don’t ever use those feelings, don’t ever take them for granted. If you weren’t interested any more, you should have let me know before you started going elsewhere.

You didn’t just cheat on me; you cheated on us. You didn’t just break my heart; you broke our future.

Never cheat on someone that is good to you. Karma is a bitch.

@TheSamMcLeod

Now I see you in a better place.

Caring. Loving. Manners. Politeness. The right thing.

You hold the door open for everyone. You apologise when people bump into you. Not something that you should do, but hey ho, you do it, the right thing. It’s definitely not the wrong thing. Politeness and manners though, never bad things.

Most of us, perhaps all of us would do anything for the people that we care about. The people that we love. Whatever they need, you’re there, aren’t you? A friendly ear, a hug, a smile a word of advice? It turns out that you’re considerate of other people’s feelings. Who knew? What if they’re really struggling though? If they have issues or problems going on, are you able to be there?

It’s not always easy to have that sense of intuition though as regards their life, about what they have happening to them. You could be forgiven for not knowing that anything is going on, for not knowing that everything isn’t okay. For not knowing that they might be having a difficult period. Sometimes, perhaps all of the time, that person in your life has to reach out to you. It’s easier said than done, granted, but don’t they need to let you know that everything isn’t okay and that they need your help?

If they don’t reach out though, what can you do? Not a great deal really. The one thing that you know intrinsically though is that you will do and have done anything and everything that you could. Hopefully for a large percentage of us, that’s in our nature. It’s inbuilt hopefully.

All of that should be part of your daily make up, shouldn’t it? Be good, be kind, be nice. No games. Always.

What happens though when you really need to step up? To do anything? To be the person that the one person in your life thinks that you can be. You step up, don’t you? What happens though when it’s tougher than you think? What happens when you lose someone close to you?

Sometimes the person who tries to keep everyone else happy is always the most lonely person, so never leave them alone, because they will never say that they need you.

He was a childhood friend but then suddenly he was gone, taking with him, like everyone does, a lifetime of private and unknown dreams, experiences, fears and hopes. Again, like everyone does when they pass, he left the good parts of himself behind to everyone that he loved and cared about.

He left pretty explicit instructions about what he wanted his friends to do with his ashes after he passed. Cheeky to the end. Scatter some of them from the top of the harbour bridge in Sydney. We don’t think we hit anyone. Let some go underneath the Hollywood sign in Los Angeles. Dump some into Niagara Falls. Spill whatever is left into the East River from the Brooklyn Bridge. We might have hit people in NY, it was windy! Apologies.

He had a soulful kindness, a never-ending generosity. My heart twisted in my chest when the call came. When every fibre of your being wants to shut down, do you have a choice? Not really. You know what you have to do. Just do the right thing, despite how hard it might be for you personally. You have to suck it up, it’s not about you any more. Whatever you are asked, no question, no possibility of saying no. You’ve been in tears for days, your eyes are red, you might look like you have a thousand yard stare. Staring at yourself in the mirror is a scary thing because you don’t want to see the face that’s looking back at you. You just get on with it though. Sometimes the sadness grips you so suddenly and with so much intensity that it takes every breath you have to just keep moving. The worst part is that you can do everything to protect your heart and it’ll still get broken.

Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, to let people go. Don’t fight for answers, don’t look for closure, don’t chase explanations.

It seems that he was just nursing a new secret in a life that was already full of old secrets.

It’s been easy since to have pangs of guilt from promises that weren’t kept about keeping in touch, we’ve all been there.

The lesson learned?

Love your fucking life with all that you can give. Take photographs of everything, especially the people that you love. Tell those people that you love them on a regular basis. Talk to random strangers. Do things that you’re terrified to do, because fuck it, all of us will die one day and not many people will remember a lot of the things that we did. Take your life and make it the best story in the world. Always choose happiness. Life is too short to fuck around with negativity, pain and remorse.

Friendship is when people know every little detail about you, but yet they still like you. Isn’t it?

@TheSamMcLeod

Anything you need.

How long does, or should it take for you to realise that you like someone? Immediately? An hour, 24 hours, a week? Longer?

You’ll come across some people in your life that will make you believe in things that you never thought possible. Sometimes when you meet that someone, you have to leave your comfort zone, to be bold, to be brave. Don’t some of those people just come along and make you brave though? You can give someone a part of you that you know that they could break, but you go for it anyway, don’t you?

Sometimes you meet someone who just makes your day better.

An accidental meeting between two people that have never met before. Just life, I guess, you never know who you might run into in the course of your day. It’s just random. Random occurrences happen to all of us every day. What if we have a small say in how we let those occurrences affect our day or our week though? Maybe even our life?

If we’re honest with ourselves, we’re all guilty of being distracted by someone who has caught our eye from time to time.

It was a Friday morning. I’d seen her before but we’d never spoken, far less met. I was just sitting writing and I saw her through the front window with her luggage and she looked like she was struggling with it. You’re a man, so you do the chivalrous thing and you offer to help. She managed it on her own though and with a twinkle in her eye and a lingering glance in my direction, she checked in saying that she was staying for the night and then left again. There was a study earlier this year which said the South African accent was the sexiest accent in the world. Once I’d heard her voice, I would argue the hell out of that decision. It was incredible. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her as I watched her go. I was supposed to leave that day but immediately I checked in for another night. I wanted the faintest possible chance of seeing that twinkle again.

As luck or fate would have it, I was around when she came back and once again, I offered to carry her luggage. This time she said yes. I’d like to think it was down to a twinkle in my eye but it could have been because she was staying on the top floor and there was no lift! We chatted, introduced ourselves to each other and she opened the door to her room and invited me to wheel her luggage in. I did, she thanked me with a smile and I turned to leave. I needed to go and buy food so I offered to pick some things up for her if she wanted anything. She politely declined but asked if she could come along instead? You can probably guess my response.

The store in question was a good forty minutes away meaning that I got her to to myself for more than an hour and there may have been more than one grin at the thought of it. Sometimes you get lucky with even just an hour of conversation with someone. An ocean of words flowed between us. We agreed to meet outside once we’d finished shopping. I picked up loads of things and was back outside ten minutes later. She’s a girl so she took longer, finally emerging with biltong and pineapple. I might have laughed out loud at the sight of it, especially as she headed straight for the clothes section when we went in.

The walk back was even better than the walk there, and I knew then that I wanted to kiss her, although I knew that the chance that she would say yes was incredibly small. It was never an awkward conversation, a very rare thing when you speak with someone properly for the first time. It was nice to hang out and enjoy each other’s company. A couple of hours when you couldn’t have kept a smile off of my face. Pretty special.

We got back, we started speaking to another couple of people and before long, the wine was flowing and stories were being shared. She mentioned chocolate at one point so obviously I bought her some. At different points, I just watched her and smiled. More than once, I caught her looking at me and she’d smile and look away. A good sign, right? How good does it feel when you look at someone and they’re already staring at you? Spending time with her was intoxicating. She’s a girl with fire and frenzy in her heart. She makes me laugh, she makes me think. I couldn’t be cautious around her, even if I wanted to.

I like talking to you, she said. You make me smile, she said. You give me good advice, she said. Now, the first two I could almost believe. The third? No fucking chance!

What if the reason you like someone is the hundreds of things that they do, that they don’t even know that they’re doing? You take it all. The flaws, the giggles, the jokes, the mistakes, the sarcasm, the smiles, the tears.

And then later that night, like a complete idiot, I told her how I felt in a roundabout way. Her love of chocolate may have led her to snaffling a chocolate cookie that I was pretty sure didn’t belong to her. I gave her two choices, either I tell the cookie owner about her daylight robbery or she had to kiss me. Our fingers interlocked and she kissed me. We spent the next while laughing and joking, sneaking kisses and hugs and generally being the two most annoying people on the planet. There may have been a marriage proposal, there may have been talk of moving away to be with her, just getting caught up in the moment. Right?

We stay up talking almost until the sun rises.

Later, my arm is around her impossibly beautiful, soft neck. She has her head resting on my chest. She falls asleep first. How she doesn’t wake up with the sound of my heart beating will forever be a mystery to me. It’s raining heavily, the sound is beautiful. The wind is ripping through the trees outside. All I can hear though is her breathing. It might be one of the most perfect things that I’ve ever heard. I smile, my eyes smile and then get heavy and I sleep too. I wake first and I hear the same sounds of her breathing. She hasn’t spoken a word to me in a couple of hours but I can’t help but listen to her sleep. My eyes are closed, her fingers still wrapped around mine, holding me close. It’s like forever waiting for that moment when her eyes open, she smiles and leans across with a kiss. What she doesn’t know is that as she holds my hand, my fingers are crossed hoping that first kiss of the day happens. Hopefully not the last kiss of the day. I have butterflies.

There are nearly eight billion people in the world and her smile is in my top two.

Where do I stand with her? I don’t know. What do I mean to her? I don’t know. There is no map for where we’re going. It’s in defiance of common sense but I can’t help it. She’s crazy for even wanting to kiss me but her crazy is beautiful to me. She could probably pick a fight in a telephone box with herself. What I do know is that every time that I’ve thought about her since she left, I want to be right there beside her. I miss hanging out with her. A lot. I don’t think that there would ever be a bad time to have her around. How good would it be to wake up in the middle of night, roll over and see the person that you’re with and knowing that you’re in the exact place in the world that you should be? Will it go anywhere? Most likely it won’t and that’s okay.

It can be hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen. You have to take the chance though. Surely it’s harder to give up someone or something when you know what and who it is that you want?

She’s different. She’s super smart. She’s kind of crazy and her sarcasm knows no bounds. I might pretend that I don’t like getting the piss taken out of me by her but she knows and I know that we both know that I love it.

No matter how hard I try to focus, my mind keeps drifting back to her. To see her again. To hug her again. To make her laugh again. To kiss her again. To make her smile again. To fall asleep beside her again.

There she is, isn’t she everything? It would be nice to never stop finding out.

@TheSamMcLeod