Ticking of clocks.

Doesn’t having a type seem a bit restricting? You can say that you only like blondes, but then you can meet a brunette or a redhead who turn out to be fabulous. Do you ignore someone just because of some silly rule that you’ve created for yourself? Sometimes, someone comes into your life straight out of left field. Okay, it’s a baseball reference, but all it means is that something has happened to you that’s a little bit different, something untypical, something unusual. Hopefully it’s not a bad thing. You don’t need to try and find someone that you’re compatible with, maybe they find you, but you still need to work up the courage to talk to them. There are obvious pros and cons of dating, but you keep going until you find the person who might be the one. Could this finally be it?

It’s perfectly okay to decide to try someone new. Any new relationship always begins with a first for the both of you. Someone has to ask the first question and someone has to be ready with the first answer. There will be plenty of more firsts to come, if the answer to the question was yes. A first date, a first drink, a first meal together, a first kiss. Anything new is exciting. First never follows, right?

Sometimes though, one of you falls harder than the other.

What happens if one of you is rebounding? Perhaps the person that you meet, still hasn’t moved on from their previous relationship. They might want nothing to do with their ex, but feelings don’t just go away. Maybe that makes them want to embrace something new, as hard as they can. It’s understandable though. Do you wait around for the previous love, even though there’s a chance you’ll get hurt again?

Once they’ve moved on though, that first love can become interested again, sparking hope that everything can work again for them once more. Maybe the new person in your life now has this constant debate of whether or not to move on properly. It’s not easy for them but you need to think of yourself, so now you’re not sure what to do. First you lose trust, then you get worried. Another first. You can naturally become distant and that almost makes them more needy. Someone can tell you that they want you, but if their head isn’t in the right place, doesn’t that make you hesitant? Understandably, you don’t get too close, too fast. You feel hurt, so you move on. All well and good but too soon? It’s easy to get caught up in a back and forth game of who has your heart.

Getting close to someone can make us vulnerable, liking someone can somehow scare us off. When you truly open yourself up to someone and give them your trust, it can be an uneasy feeling. Someone new can do nothing to jeopardise things, but we can still be irrationally worried that something bad is going to happen because of things that have happened to us before. When you lose trust in someone or something, it’s not difficult to feel anxious and to expect the worst. It’s not fair but you feel how you feel.

It’s natural that you have the feeling that you’ll get hurt again and that you’ll become trapped about worrying what to do. The emotional miles add up. No one ever tells you where the edge of the pool is. You just wade out there and at some point, you find yourself in deep water. Do you keep on swimming or do you turn back? It’s easy to ask yourself, how am I the lucky one?

That feeling when you become close with someone. Maybe it’s something and nothing initially. A thing that just happened in the moment. It grows slower for one of you, but it still grows.

When you meet someone who has recently left someone, they might have chosen to move on, but isn’t there still going to be a love between the two of them? Maybe they chased you though? A lot of us have pursued and a lot of us have been pursued. We’ve all been rejected, and most of us have rejected at least one person in our lives. We all lose now and again, sometimes we win, nobody’s completely infallible. We know it’s unfair but it is what it is. Life.

Maybe you can be happy with someone new, but you can’t shake the feeling that maybe you should have stayed where you were. Maybe moving on was wrong, and you’re frightened that you’ll lose that love forever. Choose. You’re either in or you’re out. There are no more games to be played.

Focus on yourself. You never want to be so busy living that you forget to make a life for yourself. There’s no point in going looking for a pineapple if you already have a peach.

It was her. She was the one who showed interest first, she wanted this relationship first. She became confusing, someone that you couldn’t talk to about how you were feeling. She became cold and avoidant. It was confusing, given how she’d previously been so inviting. She said she wanted something, and then suddenly she wanted something different. Someone different.

I look at her and have no idea what she’s thinking. I used to think that I liked not having the answers to everything important. Now I know that I need them. I need to know. I do not deserve to wait around forever when you were there first.

@TheSamMcLeod

Light up your wildest dreams.

When is the best time to start or try something new? Today, tomorrow? Maybe it depends on what it is, perhaps nothing should have a timescale. A new job, a new relationship, moving house, are all massive changes in your life. You can be excited and scared at the same time, just human nature, right? Fear plays a big part in all of our lives, it doesn’t matter who you are. Perhaps if you can understand that fear on some level, things become slightly easier. It doesn’t really matter if you’re scared of getting into a new relationship, or taking a new job, or moving, you have to confront your fears at some point.

A lot of the time, when we make a plan to change our lives, it’s easy to focus on all the practical stuff. Isn’t it true though, that changing your life starts with changing the way that you see things in your life? You don’t choose to alter things otherwise. You’ve identified that something isn’t quite right, so you look for something different that will make you happier. You’re brave, because change isn’t easy.

Change is scary, no doubt about it. What if it doesn’t work out? What if it does though? Maybe the only way to find out if you’re going to be truly happy, is to risk exposing yourself to everything. Everyone gets things wrong. Not many of us realise the importance of a decision until we make a mistake. If you make the wrong choice a dozen times in a row, does making the thirteenth choice right, negate everything that’s gone before? You can make errors, you can take a risk and look like the silliest person in the world, but you have to keep on going. Doing something different might give you cause for concern, but if it scares you, it might be a good thing to try. Whatever you decide to do though, you do everything to make sure that it makes you happy. Common sense.

Sure, doubts can happen, but don’t you still take that step? Mistakes are often seen as a failure, but are they really? You learn from everything. Regret what you’ve done, rather that what you haven’t? How many chances do we get in a lifetime, and if we let them go, will we regret them for the rest of our lives? Those moments, when we lose them, can’t be found again. They’re just gone. What if you decide against changing things for the better? You’ll never know about those lost chances, those lost opportunities, those lost possibilities. It’s okay to be scared though. So many of us live a life that doesn’t make us happy, but we don’t ever take the initiative to change our situation. Isn’t one of the best things about being alive, having a passion for adventure and experiencing new things?

Be something greater, go make a legacy?

For example, what would you give for one more night with someone that you’ve lost? One more conversation, one chance to make up for the times when you took them for granted because you thought that they would be around forever? Wouldn’t you grab every minute of it and never give any of those minutes back until there was nothing left of them? Why not do the same for yourself?

Not all decisions need to be permanent, but isn’t that the same with indecision? Don’t you need to make a choice either way? Maybe your future comes from your past. Maybe there is another life that you could have had, but you’re having this one, so you make it the best you can. What if something happens to you and you can make it a new one? Maybe you don’t settle down in one place or stick with the same job. Everyone is different though. Hopefully, most of us will live a long time and have the opportunity to change our lives and move into an experience, but it will only happen if we want it to.

Maybe everything you want is out there for you to grab it, but if you don’t reach for it, you’ll never know. The only person you need to convince is yourself. If things are perfect in your life, then you’re super lucky. If they’re not though, it’s time to convince yourself, that something needs to change.

Things are going to change.

Being in limbo hasn’t been much fun. A day came when it was time to start searching for different answers. Opportunities happen rarely on their own, sometimes you need to go out and find them. A new place to live, a new job, even someone new in your life. One step at a time though, right? Decide where you want to live. Find out what it is that you like doing best, and get someone to pay you for going to work every day. Let’s face it, the expert in what you do, was once a novice but you can be that person. High hopes. Discover if you’re ready for someone new. Two out of three seems to be okay with a certain American.

There can be many things in life that catch your eye, but not many catch your heart. You know which ones to go after.

A moment has just changed the game. Not just for me, but for a lot of people around me that I love dearly. I hoped this day would come, I didn’t know how but I always had a feeling.

Rewrite your history, light up your wildest dreams.

@TheSamMcLeod

There is not a single word, in the whole world.

When you start a new relationship, how early is too early to lay down the things that you both expect from each other? Where do you even begin, isn’t it more exciting to just get caught up in that initial whirlwind of something new, rather than worry about anything else?

If your mind made a choice for you though, wouldn’t it probably start with honesty between you both and work on things from there? Maybe it’s better to see how things progress first? You don’t want to have your words misinterpreted, you need to have them understood. Perhaps that takes time with someone new. The need that leaves you almost incapable of existing without the other person can be a tricky thing to deal with.

As your relationships with people move forward, whether just a friendship or not, you begin to realise that there are people in your life that you would crawl over broken glass for.

A lot of us have best friends. That one person that you know that you can rely on, despite anything else in the world. It doesn’t matter if you live next door to each other or if you’re thousands of miles apart, both of you know that you’re there for the other person. No matter what, no questions asked. If you’re lucky enough, maybe your partner is your best friend and you get to see them every day. Sometimes, you never have to worry about who has your back, who is behind you. Some people are not worth the risk. Some are. It’s important to choose wisely.

There is a lot to be said for having the person that you love beside you. Saturday nights on the sofa with a film. Sunday mornings reading the newspapers together. Days and nights out together. Don’t you realise that you only need those things when you need them? There’s no instruction manual though for how a relationship should progress. It doesn’t matter if it’s a romantic one or something purely platonic, you both just try and work things out the best you can, don’t you?

A day will come when you can feel like you’ve known someone for beyond forever. When you’re friends with someone, you don’t have to have anything in common with the people you’ve known since you were both in primary school. With old friends, you’ve got your whole life in common.

Your oldest friend isn’t always your best friend. What if they were one day though, and then they weren’t the next? Your initial reaction might contain a mixture of anguish, confusion and hurt. Wouldn’t you settle for being their second best friend? Doesn’t it depend on the circumstances? You want that person who is your first everything, because they’re the best. You’d take second any day.

We’ve been friends for longer than either of us care to remember. One day, I get an email and she’s gushing about this new man that she’s met. It’s pretty much impossible to be anything other than happy when the people that you care about most are happy. I was happy for her, for him and for me, because my best friend was happy. That’s how it should work, right? Shouldn’t the world run on happiness?

Endless conversations happened, visits were made to each other from thousands of miles apart and there was a glow in her eyes that I hadn’t seen in a long time. You can be incredibly delighted for someone and it should enrich yourself. That’s what I saw and it was amazing. This girl that I’d held hands with on the first day of primary school had met the man that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Fedex and UPS can track millions of packages a day but some of us can’t find the one person to share the rest of our life with. I was a tiny bit jealous but not for long. It was lovely to see. They liked a lot of the same things. Physical attraction is important but isn’t having someone that makes you challenge yourself, smile, think, just as valuable? She told me that was what they had, it sounded like absolute perfection. They had promises in their gaze, promises to each other.

Sometimes a day comes though, and you realise that tomorrow will be different. Their ending was never supposed to be written. Trying to understand it all would be like shouting at the clouds, maybe sometimes the stars just don’t align. How were you to know?

It’s easy to think that two people are like one and one is none.

A call comes and the heartbreak is almost palpable over the telephone. We speak for six hours and then she sleeps. A decision is made, a journey of over three thousand miles is sorted, unbeknownst to her. You do something, because it’s the right thing to do. You can’t save everyone in your life but it’s your best friend, so you try. It’s not like you’re trying to make the world safer for everyone else, it’s just that one person who needs you now and maybe they don’t even know it. Isn’t love is giving a piece of your life to try and mend the holes in the life of another? Little things sometimes can make all of the difference. Sometimes all you can do is hold a friend closely and wish that you could take their pain away.

It’s difficult to imagine how someone can be happy when their fate lies in someone else’s hands, ready to be destroyed at any moment. Two pieces of a puzzle sometimes feel like they should fit together, but now, they couldn’t be further removed from each other.

Needless to say it was a surprise, but in true testament to our friendship, we picked up right where we left off. Hugs, crying, laughing, hours of absolute silence. Sometimes, some things are better left unsaid but those periods of quietness were never uncomfortable. The silence doesn’t have to invade, you can let it in of your own volition.

Witnessing someone who is very close to you struggle with their sadness is heartbreaking. It can consume you and you know that nothing is going to be the same for a long time. Their pain radiates onto you. If things cast a shadow in your relationship, then they can be pretty hard to look past or forget, not many things grow in the shade. That was their relationship but we both know that we’ll always be golden. We’re friends.

You do anything you can when a friend is struggling. When your heart is torn from your chest, sure, it hurts but it’s so much worse for them. You listen as much as you can, you give advice where appropriate. If someone has hurt someone close to you, isn’t it natural to want to exact some revenge, to try and hurt them back? Even if you’re going to throw verbal punches, do you ever know which ones are going to land? What’s the point? You focus on your friend.

He knows what he did and neither of us will ever forgive him. Nobody is perfect, we all understand that but you don’t say one thing and do another. It’s okay to fuck up, just as long as you learn something. You can’t always choose the situation that you find yourself in but you can choose how you react to it. Lesson learned and for more than one of them.

Maybe life is about more than moments with someone though? Don’t we all want something to do and something to look forward to for ourselves, as well as someone to love? Maybe life is about choices. They have to be made, but they always have consequences. Maybe we’re the vehicles of our own fate. All you want sometimes is to be happy, but is happiness a selfish desire?

It turns out that friends can break your heart too, but she has another that she can count on. Forever. Forever ever.

You’re my best friend. Remember two things, I love you like mad and just let the pain remind you hearts can heal.

Fuck.

When you’re with someone new, all you want is to be around them all of the time. That’s infatuation though, not love, right? Sometimes you’re going to need some time to yourself. Sometimes all you want is to say come and give me a fucking hug. Sometimes you just want to be alone. It’s not not love just because sometimes you want space.

We all have to like someone before we can love them though. She was easy to like. A little bit quirky, a little bit different to a lot of other girls. Sure, she was pretty, but there was substance behind her looks. Someone who you could be comfortable with, and whose company was always enjoying and stimulating. Love comes later. Is it a conscious thing though, rather than a feeling? You decide to tell someone that you love them but perhaps that only rolls off of your tongue after you feel that you’re falling for someone.

If you’re in love, you’re having a good time already. You’re with that one person that you adore and anything that they say or do brings a smile to your face. It never enters your head for a moment that in the excitement of finding someone new, there’s at least one other person out there in the world nursing a broken heart.

When you move on from like to love, then things become more special between you. You should tell that person how special they are because what if no one else ever has? Kisses that go on for hours, those hugs where you don’t want to let go. Perfection.

You discover more. There were shared interests of music, of fashion, of politics, about almost too many things to be able to believe. Sentences were often finished by each other.

Little presents would be bought occasionally, just because someone saw something and it reminded them of the other. Holidays were taken and memories were made. Getting lost in foreign cities but knowing that you’d find your way to where you needed to get to, because that one special person was by your side. Taking thousands of photographs so that you could look back and smile.

Conversations could be deep and meaningful one minute and then absolute nonsense the next. It was like a special language. As things progress and the further you both fall, the topic of conversation can get more serious. Where are we going, what is the plan, how long can this last?

You said forever, and I did too.

Fuck.

Isn’t it true that you’ll never know all that there is to know about someone, just as they’ll never know all there is to know about you?

That moment it dawns on you when you think you’re important to someone, but it turns out that you’re not any more. You can be angry, you can be sad, but no one can tell you how you should feel in that moment. Of course, it hurts like hell if someone tells you that they don’t want you any more, but wouldn’t it be worse if they didn’t tell you? It hurts because it was important, it mattered to you. Doesn’t there come a time though when you realise that you don’t, probably all of us don’t, always love the right person at the right time?

Words hurt more than anything else can sometimes, because they last forever. The pain in itself is going to be okay in time. What might linger on for a bit, the thing that hurts the most, is the person that caused you to feel that pain. What do you do when the one person you want comfort from the most, is the one who’s causing your pain? You want to be in their arms but you’d be equally as happy if they were hundreds or thousands of miles away from you.

Sometimes, someone you care about, someone you love, will hurt you. If it happens again and again, when do you tell yourself that enough is enough? It’s a difficult conversation to have, isn’t it? You can give, you can love, you can trust but it’s always the same person that gets hurt. You.

So, you decide to be alone for a while and to concentrate on yourself. It’s not the worst idea you’ll ever have, but maybe you just don’t want to be attached to anything or anyone any more.

You’d trade all of your tomorrows alone for a chance to go back to the first 24 hours that you had with them though. Wouldn’t you?

Maybe one day, it could be months or years later, you’ll get an email or a text out of the blue from them. Do you respond? On the surface, it seems like an easy decision, but let’s face it, you’ve moved on because you had to, and you found a better place. Will it be different the second time around? It’s unlikely, right? You shouldn’t get your hopes up because you’ve read and lived this story before and you know how it ends.

This love story could have been near perfect but sadly it only lasted a few chapters, certainly not as long as was first thought when the first page was opened. It’s not a unique story, it’s happened to people the world over and will continue to happen.

Those memories that you cherished so much, then became the same ones that tear you apart. Those photographs will likely be stored away, rarely to be looked at. The memories, like some people, just begin to fade away.

I almost forgot about you.

One day, you and I, will write our names in the sky.

Is it possible for someone else to know what you’re feeling without you telling them? Can you look at someone’s face and know how or what they’re feeling?

Most of us on this planet can pretty much do what we want with our hearts and our lives, and that’s an amazing thing. Sometimes though, you can’t do what you want with either of those things and that’s when it becomes complicated.

Andy Warhol once said “As soon as you stop wanting something, you get it.” Bullshit or not, I’m finding it tough to decide if he’s right. Once you want someone or something, everything changes for you, doesn’t it? Everything is always easier said than done though. You can want someone or something, that’s easy. Saying something or doing anything about it can be a little bit trickier. Isn’t it almost like wanting someone but not doing or saying anything to try and have them? You have to step up. If you meet someone and you like them, you shouldn’t be ashamed in liking that person. There’s nothing wrong in wanting to experience something new with somebody.

It was a random night. I’m sitting in the hotel bar, nursing a bourbon and catching up on news from around the world on television. I didn’t see her at first, she was in a quiet part of the bar, clearly looking to be left alone as she read her book. I happened to glance over, she caught my eye, and we both smiled and then looked away. I kept glancing back and I swear that she saw me doing so out of the corner of her eye. Thing is, she did exactly the same thing and it took all of everything that I had to stop from smiling. Eventually, she came over and asked if she could watch the news with me. Clearly it was okay but she fell asleep almost immediately. Smooth.

She napped and then woke and we chatted about lots of things. Eventually, I excused myself and went to bed. As I walked up the stairs to my room, I think about how I got excited by her words. I think about her smile that could hush thousands of voices. I think about the things that I never said, the questions that I never asked. All of those questions that you never ask though, don’t ever get a reply.

We would bump into each other over the next few days and it was conversations full of smiles, stolen glances and a shit ton of awkwardness. Maybe I’m in her head but I’d rather be in her arms. What are emotions anyway?

Suddenly it was her last night, although I didn’t know that at the time. A couple who I’m friendly with invite her through to sit and have wine with us. As the girl half of the couple speaks to her, she starts to cry. Us two boys see that as our kryptonite, and we go outside to speak. When we eventually come back in, we find out that the girl is engaged and has flown over here to see her fiancé. Problem is, he dumped her whilst she was in mid-air, travelling from thousands of miles away to see him. Now the dynamic has shifted. The girl is in tears and thankfully, is being comforted by the female.

I didn’t realise how tough it was going to be before I knew all of this and now I’m convinced that it’s not even fair for me to try to tell her that I like her. What if she asks me though, unlikely as that may be? I can’t lie to her if it’s how I feel, surely? I find myself hoping that she doesn’t ask. Let’s face it, you don’t want to say anything that you can’t stand behind completely.

I knew what it was like, wanting someone that you could probably never have. Intrinsically though, I know how it’s impossible to un-want her, once my heart tells me what I already know. You’d think my head would step in at some point and slap me silly but you’d be wrong. We were so close and danced around things for a few days but now? It’s the biggest distance between how it was and how I ever thought it could hopefully be.

If whatever you’re going to do is wrong, should you just do whatever you want? I couldn’t, I could see that she was hurting and I didn’t want to make things worse. I can’t tell her. Just because I’ve seen her a lot though, it doesn’t mean that I wanted too much, does it? Maybe if I have made her feel something, it means that I’ll never be forgotten?

Inadvertently, I’ve read things wrong. If there is any chance for us, I need to right those wrongs so that we can be side by side. On the right of her side. To be there for her. Maybe to be there for me too.

I have questions though, right? Whether she’s the one, whether I feel about her the way that I should? The Portuguese call it saudade. Longing for something so indefinite as to be indefinable. Clever bunch.

I’ve spent my days and night since she left trying to find the words to explain the feelings I have. There are explosions of emotions that I can’t even comprehend. It seems doubtful to me that I could even make her aware of at least a tiny fraction of what I feel. I know that it would be unfair on her right now, so I won’t. I can’t.

No matter what anyone of us think about someone, what we do is dictated by what we feel. I wanted to tell her but I couldn’t because circumstances dictated otherwise.

It’s okay to have boundaries, but it would be lovely to step over them now and again, just to see if they can become an adventure. Once again, I couldn’t, that wouldn’t have been a cool thing to do.

It was 4am. I was still up, nursing a new bourbon and she was checking out to go to the airport. I heard the ping of the elevator and I saw her step out. I smiled, walked over and lifted her bags for her as the taxi idled outside whilst she checked out. I placed her bags into the taxi, watching her with solemn eyes.

The sudden prospect of having to say goodbye to her tugged at my heartstrings and I could feel that although she was hurting, she felt the same. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me. I put my arms around her and I pulled her close. I held her for a long time, longer than I should have, but then reluctantly and gently, I let her go.

I gave a soft smile and a tender wave, before glancing away. I needed a moment, before walking back into the hotel. Alone.

Maybe goodbyes aren’t forever, they can simply mean, I’ll miss you until I see you again?

If you get to where I am and if I throw away my fear and pride, to set things right, then I’ll find mine on the right of your side.

@TheSamMcLeod

You elevate the life in me.

Trust, ironically is hard for me to trust. It’s part of the reason that my circle of friends is small. I’m a bit of a social hand grenade when it comes to making new friends.

At least I know that, but I also know that it’s on me. Is there anything better than having friends though, making and keeping those special people in your life? You should never lose a chance to make new ones, right?

True friends are the people who make you smile every single time that you’re in touch with with them, remotely or in person. New friends can often have a better time together than old friends, can’t they? It’s that excitement you get when you start a new relationship.

If you’re a decent human being, then you should kind to everyone, but you want to choose the best people to be your friends, don’t you? No point in choosing them otherwise. Assuming that they choose you too or that they accept your friendship in the first place.

It’s nigh on impossible for you to know which of the strangers you’re going to meet that’ll become your friend. Being polite to everyone is a pretty good rule to live your life by though. You don’t want to be careless with other people’s hearts and you shouldn’t tolerate people who are careless with your heart.

It can be tough however. A lot of us are closed doors, we can’t just open up when we’re asked to. Some of us aren’t pieces of paper, you can’t unfold us and find out what you need to know. Aren’t there always parts of us that we want to close off from the world? Bits of us that we can’t even touch ourself because they’re too painful. Too tough, right? Now and again though, you meet someone who instantly gets you. Someone who illuminates the in-between.

What is the meaning of a good friendship? How significant it is in your life? Those friends can give us comfort when we need it, can’t they? The Japanese have a word, kenzoku, which when translated, means family. It implies the deepest connection of a friendship. Pretty cool.

It’s not always that easy though. Good people come, good people go, bad people come, bad people go, it’s just life. You always know intrinsically when something comes to an end. It’s simple though once you get past your heart hurting. When you let certain people and memories go, it just means that you’re making some room for other people and other memories to take their place. You need to let some people go, to detach yourself from their life. Before a new chapter begins, you tell yourself that the old one needs to end.

Regardless of where about in the world your new friends live in relation to you, you automatically understand that there are precious few that you should hold onto. You work hard to bridge the gap in geography and time initially but then it becomes second nature, you make your friendship work. Sometimes it’s easier than that, things just click and a random conversation leads to a new friend. Someone that you can tell anything to. Someone who can tell you anything that they feel that they want to. A new friend.

Happiness with your friends is all you want surely? Those smiles of new friends can help if you’re feeling down. You would do the same for them without thinking and hopefully you pull each other through if either of you is having a bad day. Good advice is shared and you can definitely accept inalienable truths from a good friend, sometimes either, might be what you need.

You can take advice from anyone but sometimes it’s that new friend who can help you see what you need to.

It was random how she came along. Just someone reaching out to someone else. That first contact meant that other contact followed. A conversation started. It turns out we have a lot of things in common. Sport, music, our sense of humour. Don’t forget tacos. It’s a new friendship and it’s pretty cool. We’re in touch when each of us wants to be. Hours or days could go by with silence and that’s fine. We’ll converse back and forth for ages and that’s fine too. I sleep when I need to, she sleeps when she needs to. One of us will be awake whilst the other sleeps and we just go about our day or night. We’re just friends but again, that’s pretty cool.

It’s amazing how easy it is for things to change in your life. You might think your day will be the same as the last and then you wind up somewhere new. It’s a new friend, a new boyfriend or girlfriend, maybe a breakup. Maybe at the same time, each moment we experience has another thousand moments underneath that makes it looks different. Make a new friend, what’s the worst that could happen?

My day, my experience was meeting someone new that makes my days better.

@TheSamMcLeod

Maybe you just need a friend.

A big part of depression is feeling alone, even if you’re in a room full of people. You can be surrounded, but if you don’t feel like you can talk to anyone, you might as well not be there because you’re on your own. Loneliness can feel bad and good at the same time though, can’t it?

You don’t want to do anything, you don’t even want to wake up because you’ll just be expected to see the day through. It’s no way to live your life.

Having a good day day can be tough sometimes. It’s about finding as many beautiful moments in your day, isn’t it? What happens though if trying to do that for 24 hours is just too much to ask?

Sometimes, all you can do is just stay in bed, and try to sleep before you begin to fall apart. Again and again. You don’t want to crumble but you can’t control it. Sometimes sadness isn’t audible, no one hears it.

A lot of the time, the nights aren’t much better. Those feelings that wash over you as you’re in bed, staring at the ceiling. Replaying in your head all of those things you didn’t get right. Regret has never been a cure for insomnia but it’s tough. You might cry until your eyes close, so eventually you manage to fall asleep. You wake up though and you remember. It starts again. You don’t want to see a single person. You’re in bed with the blinds or curtains closed. Whatever happened to you is your own fault, isn’t it? You’re drowning. No point in being alive any more, you might as well be dead.

Can’t it be difficult sometimes to see the incredible person that you are? Maybe all that you need to know is that someone would miss you if you weren’t around. Sometimes all you want is for someone to wrap their heart around you. Life. It’s about making a mark on the tapestry on someone or something, isn’t it?

One day someone is going to walk into your life and they’re going to need you to love them. Maybe that’s what love comes down to. You have someone who cares enough to devote themself to you so that you spark yourself back into normality. Can you hang on? Perhaps all you want to be is the best version of yourself for that special boy or girl.

Some people don’t and won’t ever understand how you might be feeling unless you tell them. How desperate you are to have someone to tell you that they love you and that they wouldn’t change you for the world?

You can look at someone but not see them for what they really are. You can take or judge someone at face value, but you can be so wrong, can’t you? Everyone has secrets. Sometimes it’s those secrets that burn inside of you that keep you going. There will be wounds that never show on your body that are deeper and that will cause more pain than any cut you have that ever bleeds. Just life, right? Believe that someone else is undergoing the same battles that you might be experiencing.

For a while, hopefully a short while, you can tell yourself that you’ve strayed off of the path where it is that you want to go. You’ll find your way back to where you want to go, won’t you? Night comes though and the struggles start again. You don’t to be with people and you don’t want to be alone. Fucking hell.

Is depression a war that you can win? You’d hope so but it’s a battle you fight every day. You never stop, never get to rest. It’s one messy thing after another.

Your judgement is constantly questioned by the people you know, but it’s just something that you have to deal with. Breaking down doesn’t mean that your life is done. A day comes when you’re finally in touch with the bad things going on in your life. You can cope, you get it. You can accept it eventually.

Ever wonder how the darkness wins? Better not to think about it, right? Who the hell wants the darkness to win?

Happiness is an ongoing battle, a complete struggle, a never-ending fight.

In a strange way, you can fall in love with your depression. You can love it because you think it was all that you had or have. Depression isn’t the part of your character that makes you matter. Don’t think so little of yourself. Don’t feel that you have little to offer the world because you do. You matter. Mental health matters.

As clumsy as you’ve been, there’s no one laughing.

@TheSamMcLeod