One day, you and I, will write our names in the sky.

Is it possible for someone else to know what you’re feeling without you telling them? Can you look at someone’s face and know how or what they’re feeling?

Most of us on this planet can pretty much do what we want with our hearts and our lives, and that’s an amazing thing. Sometimes though, you can’t do what you want with either of those things and that’s when it becomes complicated.

Andy Warhol once said “As soon as you stop wanting something, you get it.” Bullshit or not, I’m finding it tough to decide if he’s right. Once you want someone or something, everything changes for you, doesn’t it? Everything is always easier said than done though. You can want someone or something, that’s easy. Saying something or doing anything about it can be a little bit trickier. Isn’t it almost like wanting someone but not doing or saying anything to try and have them? You have to step up. If you meet someone and you like them, you shouldn’t be ashamed in liking that person. There’s nothing wrong in wanting to experience something new with somebody.

It was a random night. I’m sitting in the hotel bar, nursing a bourbon and catching up on news from around the world on television. I didn’t see her at first, she was in a quiet part of the bar, clearly looking to be left alone as she read her book. I happened to glance over, she caught my eye, and we both smiled and then looked away. I kept glancing back and I swear that she saw me doing so out of the corner of her eye. Thing is, she did exactly the same thing and it took all of everything that I had to stop from smiling. Eventually, she came over and asked if she could watch the news with me. Clearly it was okay but she fell asleep almost immediately. Smooth.

She napped and then woke and we chatted about lots of things. Eventually, I excused myself and went to bed. As I walked up the stairs to my room, I think about how I got excited by her words. I think about her smile that could hush thousands of voices. I think about the things that I never said, the questions that I never asked. All of those questions that you never ask though, don’t ever get a reply.

We would bump into each other over the next few days and it was conversations full of smiles, stolen glances and a shit ton of awkwardness. Maybe I’m in her head but I’d rather be in her arms. What are emotions anyway?

Suddenly it was her last night, although I didn’t know that at the time. A couple who I’m friendly with invite her through to sit and have wine with us. As the girl half of the couple speaks to her, she starts to cry. Us two boys see that as our kryptonite, and we go outside to speak. When we eventually come back in, we find out that the girl is engaged and has flown over here to see her fiancé. Problem is, he dumped her whilst she was in mid-air, travelling from thousands of miles away to see him. Now the dynamic has shifted. The girl is in tears and thankfully, is being comforted by the female.

I didn’t realise how tough it was going to be before I knew all of this and now I’m convinced that it’s not even fair for me to try to tell her that I like her. What if she asks me though, unlikely as that may be? I can’t lie to her if it’s how I feel, surely? I find myself hoping that she doesn’t ask. Let’s face it, you don’t want to say anything that you can’t stand behind completely.

I knew what it was like, wanting someone that you could probably never have. Intrinsically though, I know how it’s impossible to un-want her, once my heart tells me what I already know. You’d think my head would step in at some point and slap me silly but you’d be wrong. We were so close and danced around things for a few days but now? It’s the biggest distance between how it was and how I ever thought it could hopefully be.

If whatever you’re going to do is wrong, should you just do whatever you want? I couldn’t, I could see that she was hurting and I didn’t want to make things worse. I can’t tell her. Just because I’ve seen her a lot though, it doesn’t mean that I wanted too much, does it? Maybe if I have made her feel something, it means that I’ll never be forgotten?

Inadvertently, I’ve read things wrong. If there is any chance for us, I need to right those wrongs so that we can be side by side. On the right of her side. To be there for her. Maybe to be there for me too.

I have questions though, right? Whether she’s the one, whether I feel about her the way that I should? The Portuguese call it saudade. Longing for something so indefinite as to be indefinable. Clever bunch.

I’ve spent my days and night since she left trying to find the words to explain the feelings I have. There are explosions of emotions that I can’t even comprehend. It seems doubtful to me that I could even make her aware of at least a tiny fraction of what I feel. I know that it would be unfair on her right now, so I won’t. I can’t.

No matter what anyone of us think about someone, what we do is dictated by what we feel. I wanted to tell her but I couldn’t because circumstances dictated otherwise.

It’s okay to have boundaries, but it would be lovely to step over them now and again, just to see if they can become an adventure. Once again, I couldn’t, that wouldn’t have been a cool thing to do.

It was 4am. I was still up, nursing a new bourbon and she was checking out to go to the airport. I heard the ping of the elevator and I saw her step out. I smiled, walked over and lifted her bags for her as the taxi idled outside whilst she checked out. I placed her bags into the taxi, watching her with solemn eyes.

The sudden prospect of having to say goodbye to her tugged at my heartstrings and I could feel that although she was hurting, she felt the same. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me. I put my arms around her and I pulled her close. I held her for a long time, longer than I should have, but then reluctantly and gently, I let her go.

I gave a soft smile and a tender wave, before glancing away. I needed a moment, before walking back into the hotel. Alone.

Maybe goodbyes aren’t forever, they can simply mean, I’ll miss you until I see you again?

If you get to where I am and if I throw away my fear and pride, to set things right, then I’ll find mine on the right of your side.

@TheSamMcLeod

As simple as a change of heart.

Why is the best fruit always forbidden?

Have you ever fallen for someone that you know you shouldn’t have? Maybe you tried hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn’t stop what they were telling you. It’s tough though, to hide them every single day, especially when you know that you want to shout to everyone from the rooftops about the new person in your life. Isn’t a part of a new love exposing everything about yourself, almost to the point of potentially being hurt by someone that you think you trust? You fall deeper with each passing day, don’t you? They’re only a friend though, nothing will happen. You keep on saying to yourself that you don’t want anything to occur, but you know that you behave differently when you meet their eyes. You’re not being honest with yourself. You keep telling yourself that it isn’t right.

What if they’re out of bounds, if they’re completely out of your league? They’re too beautiful, loads of people want to be with them. Zero chance. The kicker is that she’s married and her husband is a famous footballer. It was not fucking cool at all. He couldn’t help it though, much as he wanted to.

No matter how many beautiful people that you set your eyes upon, if you’ve already set your heart on someone, do you even notice anyone else?

She was a secret crush. She’s beyond beautiful, smart, funny and she’s super chilled. She swears like a sailor, she’s basically the complete package. Most important of all though, she’s kind and she’s generous, not just to other people but with her thoughts and her feelings.

A glance turned into a stare. It was impossible for them to be together, to be anything at all. Try and hide it, so that no one can see? Not a chance. Pretending forever? Not a chance. You tell everyone that you’re just friends, that you’ll never be anything more. Again, you can never show your feelings though. Maybe you don’t want them to know because your friendship can’t be risked over this. What if she was the one doing the chasing though?

Maybe you don’t need a girl or a boy who says that they have to have you. Maybe you just need that person who says that they’re afraid to lose you.

It’s so hard but sometimes, you have to question your instincts and choose a different path. It’s not always that easy, everyone gets that. All he knew for sure is that they were on a course to somewhere, and it was nigh on impossible to know where they would end up.

Everyone kept telling him how they thought that she felt. They said that she didn’t care, but she never showed him that she didn’t. They told him that she didn’t love him. They kept telling him that she was no good, but he was the only one who saw something different in her and nobody understood why. He looked in her eyes and he knew that there was something there.

One day, she kissed him. Isn’t it true that sometimes all you need is just a second of courage? He kissed her back.

They got together and it was incredible. He fell hard. All he wanted to do, all of the time was to be with her. Grab her hand, wrap his arms around her, cuddle her. Send her flowers, leave little notes in her bag when she visited him or when he visited her. Compliment her on how fucking astonishing she was. Isn’t that what all of us should want? She asked him exactly how he felt, she demanded complete honesty. He told her that he loved her and she breathed out, and told him that she loved him too. She was holding her breath, waiting to listen to the words that she was desperate to hear leave his mouth.

For however many reasons there might be why they got together, there were always more reasons why they shouldn’t have. Although he was a tad naive, he knew that it would be tough, that there would be obstacles to overcome. He wanted to be with her for the rest of his life though. Forever. Forever ever. All is perfect in their world now, right? No.

One day came along, and she said no, she said that she didn’t want the same things from him as he wanted from her any more. As she told him, he felt like his ribs had clamped shut. It was like bullets hitting him behind the eyes, everything was not as it should have been. Devastation wasn’t the word, he didn’t understand, she had seemed like she wanted all of him. Sometimes, there’s maybe too much truth in this world and not enough understanding and he had none of that in that moment. She was why his legs almost collapsed every time that he saw her. Becoming her boy was now an impossible wish. She didn’t want him any more.

People might tell you that it’s painful to forget someone you love. Some other people might tell you that it’s painful to wait for someone you love. Everyone will get hurt by someone in the course of a relationship. Getting hurt is a part of life. It’s not easy though. She told him that he couldn’t be her everything as well as her secret.

He moved on though and he accepted it. No other choice.

Months passed and then one day, she showed up on his doorstep asking if they could go for dinner. He acquiesced, it would have been rude not to. She poured her heart out and told him that she’d made a mistake, that she wanted to be with him and that she’d do whatever it would take to be his girl.

She broke his heart that night because that was all that he’d ever wanted. The problem was that he’d promised his heart to someone else by this point and he wasn’t going to go back on his word.

Sometimes you’ve got to give up something to get something. Turns out that something else matters in your life.

@TheSamMcLeod

Now I see you in a better place.

Caring. Loving. Manners. Politeness. The right thing.

You hold the door open for everyone. You apologise when people bump into you. Not something that you should do, but hey ho, you do it, the right thing. It’s definitely not the wrong thing. Politeness and manners though, never bad things.

Most of us, perhaps all of us would do anything for the people that we care about. The people that we love. Whatever they need, you’re there, aren’t you? A friendly ear, a hug, a smile a word of advice? It turns out that you’re considerate of other people’s feelings. Who knew? What if they’re really struggling though? If they have issues or problems going on, are you able to be there?

It’s not always easy to have that sense of intuition though as regards their life, about what they have happening to them. You could be forgiven for not knowing that anything is going on, for not knowing that everything isn’t okay. For not knowing that they might be having a difficult period. Sometimes, perhaps all of the time, that person in your life has to reach out to you. It’s easier said than done, granted, but don’t they need to let you know that everything isn’t okay and that they need your help?

If they don’t reach out though, what can you do? Not a great deal really. The one thing that you know intrinsically though is that you will do and have done anything and everything that you could. Hopefully for a large percentage of us, that’s in our nature. It’s inbuilt hopefully.

All of that should be part of your daily make up, shouldn’t it? Be good, be kind, be nice. No games. Always.

What happens though when you really need to step up? To do anything? To be the person that the one person in your life thinks that you can be. You step up, don’t you? What happens though when it’s tougher than you think? What happens when you lose someone close to you?

Sometimes the person who tries to keep everyone else happy is always the most lonely person, so never leave them alone, because they will never say that they need you.

He was a childhood friend but then suddenly he was gone, taking with him, like everyone does, a lifetime of private and unknown dreams, experiences, fears and hopes. Again, like everyone does when they pass, he left the good parts of himself behind to everyone that he loved and cared about.

He left pretty explicit instructions about what he wanted his friends to do with his ashes after he passed. Cheeky to the end. Scatter some of them from the top of the harbour bridge in Sydney. We don’t think we hit anyone. Let some go underneath the Hollywood sign in Los Angeles. Dump some into Niagara Falls. Spill whatever is left into the East River from the Brooklyn Bridge. We might have hit people in NY, it was windy! Apologies.

He had a soulful kindness, a never-ending generosity. My heart twisted in my chest when the call came. When every fibre of your being wants to shut down, do you have a choice? Not really. You know what you have to do. Just do the right thing, despite how hard it might be for you personally. You have to suck it up, it’s not about you any more. Whatever you are asked, no question, no possibility of saying no. You’ve been in tears for days, your eyes are red, you might look like you have a thousand yard stare. Staring at yourself in the mirror is a scary thing because you don’t want to see the face that’s looking back at you. You just get on with it though. Sometimes the sadness grips you so suddenly and with so much intensity that it takes every breath you have to just keep moving. The worst part is that you can do everything to protect your heart and it’ll still get broken.

Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, to let people go. Don’t fight for answers, don’t look for closure, don’t chase explanations.

It seems that he was just nursing a new secret in a life that was already full of old secrets.

It’s been easy since to have pangs of guilt from promises that weren’t kept about keeping in touch, we’ve all been there.

The lesson learned?

Love your fucking life with all that you can give. Take photographs of everything, especially the people that you love. Tell those people that you love them on a regular basis. Talk to random strangers. Do things that you’re terrified to do, because fuck it, all of us will die one day and not many people will remember a lot of the things that we did. Take your life and make it the best story in the world. Always choose happiness. Life is too short to fuck around with negativity, pain and remorse.

Friendship is when people know every little detail about you, but yet they still like you. Isn’t it?

@TheSamMcLeod

Not so typical…

Chance. Fate. Luck. Serendipity. Do any of these things even exist? The butterfly effect is essentially the theory that a single, random occurence, no matter how tiny, can change the course of the universe forever. It can change the course of your universe forever. There has to be something to it, right? Sometimes the smallest of things will change the direction in which your life moves. An answer to a question posed to you. The merest hint of you indicating that you like someone. A weird circumstance or situation that you find yourself in. That one moment that connects with you like an explosion out of nowhere. Lives have changed because of all of these things, haven’t they?

Do we create our own fate every day that we’re alive, or is it about something else that is completely out of our control?

Maybe nothing happens by chance and there is no such thing as luck. What if there is a meaning behind everything? Maybe we’re not switched on enough to see it at the time but surely we’ll come to a realisation about it at some point. That boy you like who suddenly likes you. The girl you like who suddenly likes you.

Before you get to that stage where you’re both aware of what it is that you want from each other, it can be difficult to connect the dots. Do I really like them? What if they reject me? Better to ask and be rejected than not ask in the first place, you’d imagine. So you have to trust that the dots won’t let you down and that they’ll connect and give you everything you want. You have to trust in all of it, don’t you? Chance, fate, luck, serendipity. I guess, I hope that what is meant to be will always find a way to you. Life would be shit otherwise.

It can be difficult if you’ve been lonely or you’ve been hurt. If you could only have met that one person for you a long time ago, then you’d have been able to dodge all of the things that you needed to get to the one person that you’ll belong to for the rest of your life. Isn’t that journey a good thing though? Maybe you just need to find that person for you at the right time. What if you needed that time? Maybe you found him or her by accident. What if though, and consider this, there is no such thing as an accident, it’s just fate not spelt in the way that you recognise. They can be the same thing? What if it’s not a typical love in the way that you get together? Love will always be enough, won’t it?

Sometimes life has a cruel sense of humour, giving you the thing you always wanted at the worst time possible. Hopefully though, if you recognise it as the right thing for you, you’re able to start connecting those dots again. Surely to fuck, there isn’t anywhere that you’re not meant to be in any given moment? Think for a second to think about how many people don’t get the one they want, but end up with the one they’re supposed to be with? Maybe it’s the universe fighting for all of those people to find each other and to be together? It’s not a massive stretch to believe that some things and some feelings are too strange and strong to be coincidences.

It’s too easy to sit and wonder why things turn out the way they do. Just accept it, don’t second guess it and give it a go with all of your heart? If everyone else around you, sees two people that are meant to be together, isn’t that fucking fantastic? You might think that there is a line in the sand that you shouldn’t cross, but isn’t it called that because that line is easy to erase? Wouldn’t you regret everything for the rest if your life if you didn’t tell them?

Once you do, you’ll notice that when your mind is drawn to someone new, their name suddenly pops up everywhere you go? If you care deeply about someone, there is your start. It’s a coincidence in all likelihood. Coincidences mean though that you’re doing something right.

Japanese people call it hitsuzen. It’s a naturally preordained event. A state in which all other outcomes are impossible. Sounds a lot like fate. Just saying.

A complete stranger can change your entire world, your entire being for the better. Seems pretty awesome.

Sometimes you might think that everything could have been different for you, and you’d be right. What if you didn’t answer that call one day from an unknown number? What if you didn’t go to that bar or that party? Maybe though there are some other times you think that you were bound to end up exactly where are now though.

You might meet that one person that day or that night and you look into their eyes and you know, that those eyes show you that your past, present and future are all the same thing.

There is no disputing the fact that some people enter your life, at the exact point when you need them. Coincidence or fate? The one thing you’ll know is that they’ll bring a smile to your face and most probably make your heart burst.

It’s never easy and some people never get to it. It’s a crazy, winding path. Maybe now you’ve made that connection, you’re a different person with a different history, and certainly a different future.

You have to embrace it but sometimes you’ll realise that some things, no matter how unlikely, are just supposed to happen. Be the best you can be for that one person who is going to walk into your life and will need you to love the bones of them.

Don’t get it wrong, it can be tricky. You might wake up one day and realise that this love will determine the rest of your life. Scary as hell. How about a change of perspective?

When you find a soulmate, you have to be together. Hopefully your past life experiences have guided you to make the right choices.

That is life, isn’t it? Chance. Fate. Luck. Serendipity. A long series of you never being able to pause to breathe, to understand what fate has handed to you. All you can do is hope for the best, because ultimately, it all comes back to those four things.

He or she has the best kind of smile, or maybe the worst kind, the kind that gets you into trouble. Perfect.

Maybe it was fate that you finally connected. Those dots again.

You might ask yourself in a slightly confused manner why they chose you or you chose them? What if fate drove you towards each other? If for the rest of your life, it’s the both of you against the world, isn’t that the best thing ever?

@TheSamMcLeod

Am I too obvious to preach it?

The author John Green, quotes in his book “The Fault in Our Stars” that “Some people don’t understand the promises they’re making when they make them”

True story, it’s easy to promise someone something and not follow through. It’s not always the easiest to make a promise and then deliver.

I’m going on holiday in ten days time with someone close to me. I have made that someone a promise that is life changing for us whilst we’re away. Today, she upped the ante. Will either of us have the courage to follow through?

I drowned out all my sense.

Does head rule the heart or is it the other way round?

Common theory would seem to dictate that there are many things in life that are stressful. Whether it’s a bereavement, a divorce or a break up or even moving house or job, it’s easy for things to get on top of us all. Sounds cliche but we’re all human so why wouldn’t these things worry us?

Different things matter to different people though.

There are a couple close to me who are worried if they can afford that new house that they have their heart set on.

There are other friends who have confided that maybe that they don’t really like their job any more but feel scared to move on. They seem worried that maybe the grass isn’t greener somewhere else?

I have one friend who split with his long term girlfriend recently because he felt that they wanted different things from life.

On the flip side, my best friend is married to his best friend and together, him and his wife have two of the most beautiful little girls that you could ever wish for. They are living their dream and it’s difficult not be be slightly envious of that.

Changing job, moving house or ending or starting a relationship will likely come to us all at some point.

It messes with us, right? Things have changed for me recently and decisions and changes have had to be made. Initially I thought that my head ruled my heart with those choices.

Now?

I’m not so sure.

How I wish you could see the potential.

I bumped into a girl recently that I haven’t seen for a few years. It was great, not awkward at all and we chatted like we’d seen each other yesterday. She’s pretty, intelligent, articulate, all you would want from a partner.

When we originally met, we’d share jokes, funny stories and general life observations about what was going on with us. We were friends, it was cool.

I didn’t think too much of it, other than I enjoyed catching up with her.

Our most recent meeting finished with her confessing to me that she’d always liked me but had never had the courage to say anything about it.

I was surprised to say the least. Whilst an immensely cool and honest thing to say, it could have been said years ago, right?

It immediately struck me though that too much of us are like that, definitely me included. This may sound very grandiose but surely life is too short to worry about the thought of someone saying no to you?

She definitely should have asked the question, I might have said yes and things in both of our lives could have been very different?

That said, I’ve seen a chance potentially pass us by, is it too late for anything?. Maybe not, who knows what the future holds? Don’t be too scared to ask the question, or indeed, answer yes to the question.

Ask me again?