Minus the tears.

You can ask questions of yourself constantly. Sometimes those questions are not massively important in the grand scheme of things. What do I want for dinner? Which outfit am I rocking today? Now and again, the questions are a bit more serious. What do I want to do with my life, what do I want to achieve? Do I want to be in a relationship and in love? Who do I want that person to be? So many questions and sometimes, you don’t have all of the answers. Occasionally though, someone or something happens to you, and your question which you couldn’t find the answer to, gets answered for you.

Starting anything new is like a roller coaster. Ups and downs, but that’s okay, nothing is ever perfect. She was close to it though. I didn’t accidentally fall in love with her, but it wasn’t on purpose. You take a chance because you should. Sure, you might get hurt, but without taking the chance, how will you know? It would be like not going to the playground because you might fall off of a swing.

She was amazing. She is amazing. Her eyes have an endless twinkle. It took us some time but we got to the stage where we could mention the L word. Sometimes though, as good as things can be, and despite how long or short of a time that you’ve spent together, things come to an end. Could it be that the best time to figure out who you are, and what you really want out of life is just when someone breaks your heart?

We’ve all experienced being loved and we’ve all experienced having our hearts broken. Those experiences aren’t the same for everyone but we’ve all had them. It doesn’t matter who ended things, you’re both still allowed to hurt. One morning you’ll wake up and your heart, for the first time, won’t hurt as much as it did the day before. It might take a month, six months or a year of sleepless nights. You have to keep going. Letting go of someone doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them anymore. Perhaps you just hit that point when it dawns on you that the only person that you can really count on, is yourself. It’s not strength necessarily, isn’t it understanding? It can be the most painful thing you might ever have to do, hopefully though, you’ll get to a place where you’re okay again. Maybe one day, you’ll be able to have a relationship, even if it’s just a friendship. Right now though, any sort of relationship or any sort of conversation is out of the question. Both are irretrievable, at least for the foreseeable future.

I know we’re not supposed to talk.

In the aftermath of something ending, your brain works overtime, it would be easy to drive yourself crazy. You’re missing her or him, but you know that you need to move on. If you can’t do anything about it though, then you have to let it go. You know it’s for the best, and yet you still question things. Those fucking questions again.

Your heart and your head are a mess. Change is difficult, you can want to fight to hold on but sometimes it’s easier to not fight and to just let go. Maybe if you can manage to say goodbye to each other on decent terms, then there might be a future for you both in some way, shape or form.

I don’t want to and I can’t force it though. It’s causing hurt and pain, so this isn’t meant for me right now. Hurt and pain aren’t meant for any of us. Maybe when emotions are raw, the more you fight for something that isn’t for you, the more it’ll hit you back harder. It’s pretty much impossible to try and discard the memories though.

No matter how much suffering you’ve been through, you want to keep a hold of those memories. So I saved all of the messages, all of the texts, all of the videos. Those are the tangible memories, rather than the ones you think wistfully about in your head. Just to remind myself of how good it is. Shit, how it was.

I look at her eyes and there is a nothing there that means everything. Zero trace of anything that had gone before and I knew it was done. Relief, in a way, we were over. I felt an incredible sadness, because I might never look at her the same way again. I’ll never be that boy again because I was her boy. She might not admit it now, but she’ll never be that girl again because she was my girl. The girl who chased me to try and make me realise that she could be my everything. The girl who put up with me saying no all of the time but who loved me anyway, until something clicked in my head that all I wanted to say to her was yes.

My today is about to become my tomorrow. Time to move on? Impossible right now, the thought of it makes me feel like I’m standing on a diving board above an empty pool. When you tell yourself you’re done, you’re done. Aren’t you?

I shouldn’t miss you, I can’t help it, I just…

@TheSamMcLeod

Remember when?

A rollercoaster of emotions were spinning inside my head. Anger. Hurt. Relief. Wanting her. She was the only person in the world that I wanted to see in that moment. The trouble was that she was also the last person in the world that I wanted to see. Conflicted emotions and feelings. Fuck them.

Conflict. There’s always some conflict in every relationship. Doesn’t everyone feel lonely or trapped sometimes? It’s not always rainbows, sunshine and unicorns, but sometimes all you need is a little attention.

Eventually, maybe when you feel more in love with your memories of someone, rather than the person that you were with, is when you know that things are over? One minute we were inseparable, the next, I was blocked on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

People fall out of love with each other every day, and whilst it might be the saddest thing that a couple can do to each other, doesn’t it just mean that they’ve both grown too tired to try any more? I wasn’t too scared to keep trying but I knew that she was slowly letting go. I knew that she was growing less and less in love with me every day. Love never really dies all at once, does it? Whilst it’s not tangible, you know that you can almost see it fading away, one day at a time. Maybe one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever make is choosing to walk away.

It’s hard to love someone to the point where you don’t even understand yourself. It’s okay for you not to get it, because I don’t get it. It’s just there, it was there for a long time. When you find love and someone like that, you don’t want to give any of it up. It’s not always your choice though, is it? Hopefully at some point, you’ll be able to give your love to someone else. Fingers crossed. A relationship is almost like a house. When a lightbulb burns out, you don’t go and buy a new house. You replace the lightbulb. Sometimes we lose, sometimes we win. Shouldn’t we always keep playing though? Moving on is a process. You win, you lose, you cry, you smile, you learn not to make the same mistakes. You try, you fuck things up, but you keep trying. What if the worst in you doesn’t want to work on things though?

I didn’t choose to fall in love with her but it was worth almost every second of it. She chose to stop loving me though at a time when I didn’t do anything wrong. We all know that we won’t always make the right decisions. We’ll all royally fuck things up sometimes. Maybe this is a decision that she regrets? I haven’t asked her, and I will never ask her. The thing is, it’s almost like something happens inside the person that you love. They’ve had enough, and that the way the your relationship has been going is no longer worth the effort. It’s okay, it’s their truth, so it’s the truth, isn’t it? Your perception is your reality? I’m not in love with you now but now sometimes I wish I was. Sometimes.

The couples that will be together for as long as they want to be, are the ones who go through everything that’s meant to tear them apart, to divide them. It just makes them stronger, right? Isn’t that what we all want? Now and again though, two people need to be apart for a while to realise how much they need to be together. I wish those people luck, I won’t be one of them. You’ll know when a relationship is right for you, won’t you? It’ll make your life better, not complicate it more than it already is.

Certain dates can be powder kegs for your emotions. An anniversary, a birthday. Even if you know you have to move on, they don’t make it any easier. Your mind drifts towards that person at times, on that day. The occasional thought of you will cross my mind, but it’ll be bittersweet.

Once you move on, you try to forget who hurt you in the past, but don’t you always remember what your experiences with them taught you? If it meant that you became a person who held onto grudges, someone that wanted to seek revenge, and not forgive or show compassion, then did you really learn anything? Your heart might say yes, but your head will say no. Won’t it?

The past is just that though. It can’t hurt you anymore unless you let it. I guess we all need to remember that.

You should never run from the people who you want. You should fight for them. They’re in your corner for everything that life throws at you until they’re not.There’s a cost, there’s a risk but that’s what you sign up for when you enter a relationship. Some work out, some don’t, sadly. I miss her. Sometimes.

Do I want to try again?

The best of me wants to love you, but the worst in me doesn’t want to.

@TheSamMcLeod