In the heat of the moment.

You can find almost anyone that you can do everything with, but don’t you want to find someone that you can do nothing with? It’s easy to look at someone and know that you like them aesthetically, but doesn’t happiness come from something more than sexual chemistry?

We all know that you don’t need a certain other to make you happy, but it’s pretty cool when that new person comes along. Perhaps relationships are like arriving in a new city, when you explore, you find out more about yourself, you wander the streets with absolutely no idea about where you’ll end up. Sure, you love arriving, but one day it’ll have to come to an end and you’ll need to leave. Won’t you?

When you meet someone new and assuming that you really like them and don’t want to ever leave, you make promises to them, even if you don’t articulate your thoughts. Compliment them, treat them well, definitely no cheating, hopefully love follows. If they’re thinking the same things, then you’re set for life, right? You might look back later and realise that the greatest moments of your life will be those times when you went all in. Keep your promises, no need to put your hand on a metaphorical bible, but you know what you need to do. Promises are like crying babies in a cinema, they should be carried out immediately. It’s more than likely complete fantasy, but try and keep every promise that you make and only make those promises that you can keep would be a nice idea, wouldn’t it? At some point, don’t all of us want to be knocking on a very particular door? Some of us don’t take the time to appreciate the promises we’re making when we make them because none of us are infallible, it’s okay to fuck up now and again. It turns out that it’s not always easy to know a false promise from a true one. Stubbornness is in all of us at varying levels, but don’t we need to have the heart to say sorry when we’ve messed up? Maybe you’re never too old to be easily fooled, you can love someone but not yet learn about them.

You should have said sorry and it would have been okay. Four consonants and a vowel, just one word. Now?

Can’t sleep, can’t eat, my mind’s a mess.

I was lonely but it was more than okay, because I like myself and my own company, and I didn’t need anyone, or at least I thought I didn’t. But then you came along, sparking something inside me like a forest fire. Things progress, promises are made, they’re said out loud to each other. Trips away, sneaked kisses in public, holding hands. Knowing glances, little winks, hugs, high fives, it’s beyond awesome to have a new best friend.

You messed up and you lied though, you broke your promises.

It only needed one word and it would have been okay again. It makes my heart hurt now when I remember all of those beautiful words that you said. I’m sitting here alone and it’s tough to breathe, because tears are falling from my eyes and they won’t stop. Despite them, I know that I need to keep try and build myself back up every day, tough as it might be, no one wants to be sitting for hours on the floor of the shower anymore. You need to know that you broke me that day, despite kissing me that morning as if you’d never done it before, and never would again. I’ve composed hundreds of messages to you, then I’ve hit the delete button. I’ve then tried to write more words that I’ll never be able to send. What does it matter now?

Time to leave for a while and try and ponder everything, to try and understand why you did what you did.

The stars are out and I wander these streets in a new city alone, thinking of all the memories that I want to still cling to. Every day, every kiss, night spent together is imprinted on my brain. Someone should have told me to try and capture every second, but it was too easy to get caught up in what was supposed to be an adventure starring two people. Fucking promises, it turns out that words can be twisted into any shape that someone wants them to be.

We could have been so amazing. Going to sleep beside you, waking up next to you, morning coffee, afternoon naps together at the weekend, late dinners, wandering through our city, through different cities holding hands, we could have been happy for the rest of forever together. Forever ever. Forever ever ever.

It’s late at night and it seems like no one else is awake. Staring at an impossibly beautiful view that you should be sharing, it dawns on me. I’m not your fault, you are your own fault, and despite everything, that makes me sad. For both of us.

I made a promise, you made a promise.

You said you’d be there through thick and thin.

@TheSamMcLeod

You need to know.

There are over seven billion people in the world, yet so many believe that there’s only one person out there for each of us. Can you only have one soulmate? That doesn’t sound fair, don’t we all deserve and want the chance of having a fairytale relationship or romance without it being limited to just one person?

Apparently we all fall in love with four different people in our lifetime, so there’s more than one person on the face of the planet that’s suited for you. If it’s true, does it matter then if your first, second or third love doesn’t work out, as long as the fourth person is the right one? Maybe you’ll only fall in love two or three times, so wouldn’t that would render the notion of just one soulmate as absolute bullshit? Maybe you’ll be that lucky person that meets your soulmate immediately, that ultimate complementary match.

Stick the word soulmate into any internet search engine and the response you’ll get, will be along the lines of, “a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.” Sounds about right, just someone that you have a deep affinity with, compatibility is key. If we had a wishlist, we’d all pick different things that we’d want from a partner, but someone who you connect with on an emotional and physical level would be a good start, right? Hopefully not too much to ask.

Just because you think that your relationship is meant to be, does it really mean anything? The odds aren’t great for soulmates or whatever else you want to call them. Four out of over seven billion? You’d never part with your money for any other bet, would you? Yet, every day, we gamble on love. Life is different every day, perhaps you’ll never know how lucky you’ll be, but surely there must be someone out there for everyone, just because you haven’t found that person yet doesn’t mean that they don’t exist. There’s university research out there that reckons less than 3 in 10 of us meet our soulmate and get together. What chance do we really have? Maybe some of us are luckier than others though. How many people in your life have you said those three words to? Maybe it gets to a stage where it’s five words. Maybe as long as you remember that it’s about both of you living this adventure together, the pair of you might just do okay.

The three words have left my lips to eight different girls in my lifetime. The five words? Only to three, so does that mean that there’s still one girl left out there for me? It’s only later when you reflect on things though, that sometimes you realise that those three little words get thrown around too easily and you can say those words to some people, but not really mean them. You can get caught up in the moment for sure, but who pretends in their heart about loving someone? Not fucking cool. You always mean the five words though, don’t you?

Can you remember the first time that you told someone that you loved them and meant it?

The first time? She was and is amazing. We shouldn’t have gotten together, she was with someone else at the time but there was something there and you know that when you look at someone in a particular way and they look at you in a similar fashion, that there might be a chance. Circumstances changed months later, and one telephone call from her changed everything. She’s so far out of my league that it’s unbelievable, always has been, this boy definitely got lucky. She’s pretty, super intelligent and she has a smile that will always be imprinted on your mind, if you’re lucky enough to see it. She told me those words first, but it took me a little while to get there too. It sucks, doesn’t it, you’re almost automatically put under pressure to respond with the same three words if someone says them to you? Doesn’t it matter more though if you say something that important that you know when you’re at that stage? It could and should have been the most meaningful relationship ever, but sometimes boys fuck up. We were in love, but now she’s in love with someone else and she’s happy, ergo, I’m happy. She gave me more than I could have ever expected and I’ll always be humbled by it. If I saw her today, she wouldn’t get the five words, but she’d definitely get the three. A relationship can destroy you when it ends, but one day you wake up, and it hurts less than it did the day before. You try to get better every day, you walk like you have somewhere to go, and you hope that there is another opportunity with someone else.

The second time? We met through work, she called me one day for help in finding a new job and coffee was arranged. We’d spoken about a hundred times on the telephone, but never met. Complete randomness, what should have been a half hour conversation turned into two hours. She likes the same bands that I do, she quoted film lines at me verbatim. When you smile with someone, with your eyes, as well as your mouth, then a part of you wonders about something more. Days and week passed and we met up more than once for drinks and food. Things progressed and then one day, I blurted those words out before she did. Maybe she felt the aforementioned pressure but she responded by saying those same words. We spent a lot of time together but then she had to move away for work. Conversations became less frequent and she met someone else. She told me she that loves him, it seems he loves her, so how can you not be happy for that one person who was in your life that you fell for?

The third time? It still hurts to this day and it’s difficult. She’s the third of three people on the planet to hear those five words and she’s the third girl to be way above anyone’s league, especially this guy. Punching above my weight, should have been a fucking boxer.

It’s difficult and ultimately wrong to put yourself out there again when you’re still thinking about someone who went before. You try though, but you’re doing well if you can manage to follow things through with someone else. Number four? It hasn’t happened but there’s a girl. You can be old friends with someone and then one day realise that there is the potential of something more. Leave your pride at the door and put your heart out there, right? Words are said and a rejection follows, but it’s almost a relief. No three or five word sentences are spoken but there might always be a part that wonders. Still thinking about number three though, so it wouldn’t be fair to the girl that might have been number four. The search continues, or does it?

Without all of these beautiful people, I might never have made it this far. Without them, I might never have even tried. The thing is though, you can try and move on and still not be over someone who you’ve said those five words to.

ILYSB

@TheSamMcLeod