Fuck.

When you’re with someone new, all you want is to be around them all of the time. That’s infatuation though, not love, right? Sometimes you’re going to need some time to yourself. Sometimes all you want is to say come and give me a fucking hug. Sometimes you just want to be alone. It’s not not love just because sometimes you want space.

We all have to like someone before we can love them though. She was easy to like. A little bit quirky, a little bit different to a lot of other girls. Sure, she was pretty, but there was substance behind her looks. Someone who you could be comfortable with, and whose company was always enjoying and stimulating. Love comes later. Is it a conscious thing though, rather than a feeling? You decide to tell someone that you love them but perhaps that only rolls off of your tongue after you feel that you’re falling for someone.

If you’re in love, you’re having a good time already. You’re with that one person that you adore and anything that they say or do brings a smile to your face. It never enters your head for a moment that in the excitement of finding someone new, there’s at least one other person out there in the world nursing a broken heart.

When you move on from like to love, then things become more special between you. You should tell that person how special they are because what if no one else ever has? Kisses that go on for hours, those hugs where you don’t want to let go. Perfection.

You discover more. There were shared interests of music, of fashion, of politics, about almost too many things to be able to believe. Sentences were often finished by each other.

Little presents would be bought occasionally, just because someone saw something and it reminded them of the other. Holidays were taken and memories were made. Getting lost in foreign cities but knowing that you’d find your way to where you needed to get to, because that one special person was by your side. Taking thousands of photographs so that you could look back and smile.

Conversations could be deep and meaningful one minute and then absolute nonsense the next. It was like a special language. As things progress and the further you both fall, the topic of conversation can get more serious. Where are we going, what is the plan, how long can this last?

You said forever, and I did too.

Fuck.

Isn’t it true that you’ll never know all that there is to know about someone, just as they’ll never know all there is to know about you?

That moment it dawns on you when you think you’re important to someone, but it turns out that you’re not any more. You can be angry, you can be sad, but no one can tell you how you should feel in that moment. Of course, it hurts like hell if someone tells you that they don’t want you any more, but wouldn’t it be worse if they didn’t tell you? It hurts because it was important, it mattered to you. Doesn’t there come a time though when you realise that you don’t, probably all of us don’t, always love the right person at the right time?

Words hurt more than anything else can sometimes, because they last forever. The pain in itself is going to be okay in time. What might linger on for a bit, the thing that hurts the most, is the person that caused you to feel that pain. What do you do when the one person you want comfort from the most, is the one who’s causing your pain? You want to be in their arms but you’d be equally as happy if they were hundreds or thousands of miles away from you.

Sometimes, someone you care about, someone you love, will hurt you. If it happens again and again, when do you tell yourself that enough is enough? It’s a difficult conversation to have, isn’t it? You can give, you can love, you can trust but it’s always the same person that gets hurt. You.

So, you decide to be alone for a while and to concentrate on yourself. It’s not the worst idea you’ll ever have, but maybe you just don’t want to be attached to anything or anyone any more.

You’d trade all of your tomorrows alone for a chance to go back to the first 24 hours that you had with them though. Wouldn’t you?

Maybe one day, it could be months or years later, you’ll get an email or a text out of the blue from them. Do you respond? On the surface, it seems like an easy decision, but let’s face it, you’ve moved on because you had to, and you found a better place. Will it be different the second time around? It’s unlikely, right? You shouldn’t get your hopes up because you’ve read and lived this story before and you know how it ends.

This love story could have been near perfect but sadly it only lasted a few chapters, certainly not as long as was first thought when the first page was opened. It’s not a unique story, it’s happened to people the world over and will continue to happen.

Those memories that you cherished so much, then became the same ones that tear you apart. Those photographs will likely be stored away, rarely to be looked at. The memories, like some people, just begin to fade away.

I almost forgot about you.

Exhale.

How we view ourselves is different from how others view us, isn’t it? We all live in a world where everyone likes what they like. Different food, different hobbies, different people, just how it should be.

Take good looking people for example. Does it matter how physically attractive someone is, if they don’t appreciate your personality? Everyone might think differently, because what you might find to be attractive is different from what someone else will find to be attractive. Also, your personality can make you more or less likeable, can’t it? Your personality, your outlook on life, your sense of humour are a massive part of what attracts someone to you. Isn’t compatibility based on how you and your partner think about each other are as a human being?

There are so many girls that are out of my league, no question. When you tell yourself that someone is out of your league, you begin believing it, don’t you? You ask someone out for dinner or drinks and they say no. It sucks. When someone turns us down, it’s always because of self doubt. We think that we’re not good enough in any facet of our life to hold onto this person’s attention. Maybe we’re not attractive enough.

Even when the situation is one that we don’t think we can control, don’t we all put people into a category? Too pretty. Too handsome. Not pretty enough. Not handsome enough. It’s incredibly judgemental but haven’t all of us seen two people together as a couple and wondered, “How the hell did they end up together?” If we think that way, aren’t we all contributing to a problem in life that we really don’t need? Who decides who is out of your league? Just you, right? As well as everyone else perhaps?

Doesn’t it all boil down to the fact that a lot of us think that physical beauty is the most important thing when we look for someone new? Are we all that predictable? Hopefully not. Aren’t we hurting our own self-perception though when we think that way? It’s hard to be vulnerable with anyone, especially if you think that someone will reject you. If you give into that fear, aren’t you actually missing out on some really great experiences. You’ll never know.

Before you even decide who is in your league or not, don’t you evaluate yourself? The mirror is an unforgiving mistress. Am I a six out of ten? Maybe a seven? A four? Who fucking knows if you don’t? What if someone else thinks that you’re a nine? Will I even give them the chance to tell me? We’re our own worst critic, and with that, comes self doubt. When we’re insecure, our self-esteem goes through the floor. When we think like that, how shit would it be if the person you liked, decided to like you back and then you thought that you weren’t a match because you thought that they were better than you? Don’t you trust yourself to have an interest in someone with similar qualities to yourself? It’s tough though.

Don’t we need to stop forming daft opinions based on how beautiful someone’s eyes are, how much the shape of their lips make us smile, how much their eyes sparkle when we look at them? No, would probably be the right answer, but all of those things are still important though, aren’t they?

The thing is, not everyone is like you or me. We all have a different idea about who we want as our significant other. Perhaps the point is that someone’s looks shouldn’t hold any more value than what their personality does. Their mind is more important than how they look or how their body is surely?

Shouldn’t we all stop buying into ideas about who we should see and about who should be interested in wanting to be with us? Remind yourself of this as regularly as you can. Also, remind yourself that no one is out of your league either.

At first, I thought people who were incredibly attractive were out of my league. You’d think once I realised that not everything is about looks, my thoughts wouldn’t be as shallow. It’s not that transparent though. I believed that if someone was smarter than me, or funnier than me, that they too were out of my league. Needless to say, I was wrong.

Aren’t the thoughts of our relationship goals being upset, by knowing that the other person is hotter, and being far more attractive than we are? Intimacy is traded for vulnerability. Feelings can go and fuck themselves at times.

Ironically, personality is such a big factor, so knocking back a person because of how they look could make you lose out on a person who could be great for you, if you just got to know them. On the flip side they might be totally wrong for you. How do you know until you try though?

No risk, no reward, right? If you like someone, you might as well try. Rejection? A definite possibility. Thing is though, you also might find that someone that you never thought would find you attractive actually likes you a lot. You need to ask though, or you need to answer the question if it ever comes. Have some courage.

She asked me to go for dinner. I haven’t said yes or no yet, I’m conflicted. She’s far too pretty and I’m average at best. She’s cute, she’s hilarious and she’s so self aware, how the hell am I ever going to match up to her? She’s out of my league.

We’re not out of touch but are we out of time?

@TheSamMcLeod

Now I see you in a better place.

Caring. Loving. Manners. Politeness. The right thing.

You hold the door open for everyone. You apologise when people bump into you. Not something that you should do, but hey ho, you do it, the right thing. It’s definitely not the wrong thing. Politeness and manners though, never bad things.

Most of us, perhaps all of us would do anything for the people that we care about. The people that we love. Whatever they need, you’re there, aren’t you? A friendly ear, a hug, a smile a word of advice? It turns out that you’re considerate of other people’s feelings. Who knew? What if they’re really struggling though? If they have issues or problems going on, are you able to be there?

It’s not always easy to have that sense of intuition though as regards their life, about what they have happening to them. You could be forgiven for not knowing that anything is going on, for not knowing that everything isn’t okay. For not knowing that they might be having a difficult period. Sometimes, perhaps all of the time, that person in your life has to reach out to you. It’s easier said than done, granted, but don’t they need to let you know that everything isn’t okay and that they need your help?

If they don’t reach out though, what can you do? Not a great deal really. The one thing that you know intrinsically though is that you will do and have done anything and everything that you could. Hopefully for a large percentage of us, that’s in our nature. It’s inbuilt hopefully.

All of that should be part of your daily make up, shouldn’t it? Be good, be kind, be nice. No games. Always.

What happens though when you really need to step up? To do anything? To be the person that the one person in your life thinks that you can be. You step up, don’t you? What happens though when it’s tougher than you think? What happens when you lose someone close to you?

Sometimes the person who tries to keep everyone else happy is always the most lonely person, so never leave them alone, because they will never say that they need you.

He was a childhood friend but then suddenly he was gone, taking with him, like everyone does, a lifetime of private and unknown dreams, experiences, fears and hopes. Again, like everyone does when they pass, he left the good parts of himself behind to everyone that he loved and cared about.

He left pretty explicit instructions about what he wanted his friends to do with his ashes after he passed. Cheeky to the end. Scatter some of them from the top of the harbour bridge in Sydney. We don’t think we hit anyone. Let some go underneath the Hollywood sign in Los Angeles. Dump some into Niagara Falls. Spill whatever is left into the East River from the Brooklyn Bridge. We might have hit people in NY, it was windy! Apologies.

He had a soulful kindness, a never-ending generosity. My heart twisted in my chest when the call came. When every fibre of your being wants to shut down, do you have a choice? Not really. You know what you have to do. Just do the right thing, despite how hard it might be for you personally. You have to suck it up, it’s not about you any more. Whatever you are asked, no question, no possibility of saying no. You’ve been in tears for days, your eyes are red, you might look like you have a thousand yard stare. Staring at yourself in the mirror is a scary thing because you don’t want to see the face that’s looking back at you. You just get on with it though. Sometimes the sadness grips you so suddenly and with so much intensity that it takes every breath you have to just keep moving. The worst part is that you can do everything to protect your heart and it’ll still get broken.

Sometimes it’s better to just let things be, to let people go. Don’t fight for answers, don’t look for closure, don’t chase explanations.

It seems that he was just nursing a new secret in a life that was already full of old secrets.

It’s been easy since to have pangs of guilt from promises that weren’t kept about keeping in touch, we’ve all been there.

The lesson learned?

Love your fucking life with all that you can give. Take photographs of everything, especially the people that you love. Tell those people that you love them on a regular basis. Talk to random strangers. Do things that you’re terrified to do, because fuck it, all of us will die one day and not many people will remember a lot of the things that we did. Take your life and make it the best story in the world. Always choose happiness. Life is too short to fuck around with negativity, pain and remorse.

Friendship is when people know every little detail about you, but yet they still like you. Isn’t it?

@TheSamMcLeod

Not so typical…

Chance. Fate. Luck. Serendipity. Do any of these things even exist? The butterfly effect is essentially the theory that a single, random occurence, no matter how tiny, can change the course of the universe forever. It can change the course of your universe forever. There has to be something to it, right? Sometimes the smallest of things will change the direction in which your life moves. An answer to a question posed to you. The merest hint of you indicating that you like someone. A weird circumstance or situation that you find yourself in. That one moment that connects with you like an explosion out of nowhere. Lives have changed because of all of these things, haven’t they?

Do we create our own fate every day that we’re alive, or is it about something else that is completely out of our control?

Maybe nothing happens by chance and there is no such thing as luck. What if there is a meaning behind everything? Maybe we’re not switched on enough to see it at the time but surely we’ll come to a realisation about it at some point. That boy you like who suddenly likes you. The girl you like who suddenly likes you.

Before you get to that stage where you’re both aware of what it is that you want from each other, it can be difficult to connect the dots. Do I really like them? What if they reject me? Better to ask and be rejected than not ask in the first place, you’d imagine. So you have to trust that the dots won’t let you down and that they’ll connect and give you everything you want. You have to trust in all of it, don’t you? Chance, fate, luck, serendipity. I guess, I hope that what is meant to be will always find a way to you. Life would be shit otherwise.

It can be difficult if you’ve been lonely or you’ve been hurt. If you could only have met that one person for you a long time ago, then you’d have been able to dodge all of the things that you needed to get to the one person that you’ll belong to for the rest of your life. Isn’t that journey a good thing though? Maybe you just need to find that person for you at the right time. What if you needed that time? Maybe you found him or her by accident. What if though, and consider this, there is no such thing as an accident, it’s just fate not spelt in the way that you recognise. They can be the same thing? What if it’s not a typical love in the way that you get together? Love will always be enough, won’t it?

Sometimes life has a cruel sense of humour, giving you the thing you always wanted at the worst time possible. Hopefully though, if you recognise it as the right thing for you, you’re able to start connecting those dots again. Surely to fuck, there isn’t anywhere that you’re not meant to be in any given moment? Think for a second to think about how many people don’t get the one they want, but end up with the one they’re supposed to be with? Maybe it’s the universe fighting for all of those people to find each other and to be together? It’s not a massive stretch to believe that some things and some feelings are too strange and strong to be coincidences.

It’s too easy to sit and wonder why things turn out the way they do. Just accept it, don’t second guess it and give it a go with all of your heart? If everyone else around you, sees two people that are meant to be together, isn’t that fucking fantastic? You might think that there is a line in the sand that you shouldn’t cross, but isn’t it called that because that line is easy to erase? Wouldn’t you regret everything for the rest if your life if you didn’t tell them?

Once you do, you’ll notice that when your mind is drawn to someone new, their name suddenly pops up everywhere you go? If you care deeply about someone, there is your start. It’s a coincidence in all likelihood. Coincidences mean though that you’re doing something right.

Japanese people call it hitsuzen. It’s a naturally preordained event. A state in which all other outcomes are impossible. Sounds a lot like fate. Just saying.

A complete stranger can change your entire world, your entire being for the better. Seems pretty awesome.

Sometimes you might think that everything could have been different for you, and you’d be right. What if you didn’t answer that call one day from an unknown number? What if you didn’t go to that bar or that party? Maybe though there are some other times you think that you were bound to end up exactly where are now though.

You might meet that one person that day or that night and you look into their eyes and you know, that those eyes show you that your past, present and future are all the same thing.

There is no disputing the fact that some people enter your life, at the exact point when you need them. Coincidence or fate? The one thing you’ll know is that they’ll bring a smile to your face and most probably make your heart burst.

It’s never easy and some people never get to it. It’s a crazy, winding path. Maybe now you’ve made that connection, you’re a different person with a different history, and certainly a different future.

You have to embrace it but sometimes you’ll realise that some things, no matter how unlikely, are just supposed to happen. Be the best you can be for that one person who is going to walk into your life and will need you to love the bones of them.

Don’t get it wrong, it can be tricky. You might wake up one day and realise that this love will determine the rest of your life. Scary as hell. How about a change of perspective?

When you find a soulmate, you have to be together. Hopefully your past life experiences have guided you to make the right choices.

That is life, isn’t it? Chance. Fate. Luck. Serendipity. A long series of you never being able to pause to breathe, to understand what fate has handed to you. All you can do is hope for the best, because ultimately, it all comes back to those four things.

He or she has the best kind of smile, or maybe the worst kind, the kind that gets you into trouble. Perfect.

Maybe it was fate that you finally connected. Those dots again.

You might ask yourself in a slightly confused manner why they chose you or you chose them? What if fate drove you towards each other? If for the rest of your life, it’s the both of you against the world, isn’t that the best thing ever?

@TheSamMcLeod

Now you’re gone, but I’ll be okay.

Good things come and go in life. Bad things come and go in life. Good people come and go in life. Bad people? You get the picture.

There are many things that make each of us happy. We all like different things. Music, sports teams, television shows, we all have different opinions on many different subjects and that’s cool. Your opinion on a certain subject may make you like someone or dislike someone. Again, that’s cool, why shouldn’t that be the case?

We all experience new things on our lives on a daily basis. In some circumstances, we’ll remember some experiences fondly. We’ll look back on others with sadness, regret, perhaps even anger. That’s just how it goes, right?

When life is going well, it’s the best thing in the world. Each of us are happy and that has a knock on effect on how we treat everyone that we come in contact with. It can make each of our days a little bit brighter and that’s an amazing thing. More than likely, we’ll feel more positive about the people that we meet, the challenges or circumstances that face us and the obstacles that we may have to overcome.

Hopefully, each and everyone one of us has one or more person in our respective lives that we’d do anything for. There are people in my life that I’d like to think that I’d die for if I had to. There are people in my life that I’d also like to think that I’d kill for if I had to. All melodramatic, I know but it’s just how I feel. I doubt I’d be alone in thinking these thoughts. Friends and family are important but it’s easy to take those people for granted.

Some people will stay in your life forever and that’s a wonderful thing. Some people will also leave your life quickly or perhaps over time. That decision to let people go can be be easy but it can also be very difficult. When you’re facing a tough decision about who to keep in your life and who to let go, self doubt can creep in.

It can be a torturous time, deciding who to keep in your life and who to let go. However, chances are that the decisions or heartache that you are going through is not fuelled by the words or actions of those others; it is fuelled by the mind that gives it credence or importance.

Not too long ago, I had to let someone incredibly close to me go. It was difficult to do but the relationship wasn’t healthy any more and it was better for me to say goodbye to that person.

It was a tough decision at the time but I’m a great believer in making sure that you look after yourself and to try and keep yourself happy.

The good memories have faded but the bad ones have too. It’s not good when you miss someone but the emotional pain will grow less as time passes. I used to think that my heart was broken, but time is a great healer.

I miss missing you.