Dying flowers.

Maybe it’s naivety, but one day you begin to realise that there are surprises everywhere in your life that you haven’t seen coming. The very definition of surprise, I guess. Most of the time, we see only what we want to see though. You can read a situation and think that you know what’s going on, but do you really? You might decide one day that you know what you want to do for a living, but if it’s not what you truly want, aren’t you misleading yourself? You can like someone, but you know that there is absolutely no way that they’re ever going to like you back. What if you part of you thinks that they do, are you conning yourself once more?

Perhaps we deceive ourselves because we like to be deceived. We want to believe something to be true so badly in that moment, that we end up kidding ourselves on. If we want something to be true, don’t all of us generally believe it to be true? It turns out that you can fool yourself, and whilst you might think it’s impossible, it’s one of the easiest things of all.

Haven’t we all been misled at some moments in our lives by others? It isn’t always your fault if you get things wrong or misjudge a situation though.

There’s a girl. We meet through work and whilst she’s pretty, there’s no attraction. You can find someone attractive without doing anything about it, right? Both of us, as well as others, have to interact over the next number of months on various different projects. Sometimes we all grab coffee or lunch together, and you realise the more that you enjoy someone’s company, the more time that you spend with them. Our work ends, but the relationship develops over time when we bump into each other randomly. One night in a bar, I’m out with my friends, she’s out with her friends, a lot of which are mutual, and we come across each other again. We hug, we chat, we catch up, and at the end of the night, all of our mutual friends head back to her flat to keep the night going.

It’s a late one and we’re all a little bit worse for wear. A lot of people crash out and I’m invited to stay too, and to sleep in her bed. It’s purely platonic, and I’m happy to accept, and not to have to fork out a fortune on a taxi. Two people in a king size bed, both hugging the opposite edges, we couldn’t have slept further apart. There’s a cuteness to it that makes me smile though, and I sleep.

As is the case after a heavy one, you wake in the middle of the night dehydrated. I get up, knowing that there are bottles of water in the fridge. As I reach the hallway, the front door opens and I smell the perfume before I see the girl. Fuck though, I’m just wearing Calvins. She closes the door and turns around. Hands down, she is the most aesthetically perfect girl that I’ve ever seen in my life. She’s beautiful, mesmerising and dressed to draw eyes in her direction. She’s grinning at me, which is fair given my outfit, and I can’t concentrate. She introduces herself as the flatmate, let’s call her F, and she bravely leans in for a hug. Given my attire, I end up giving the shittest hug in history. It looks like I’ve shot myself in the foot within ten seconds of meeting her. A smile from her and an embarrased grin from me follows, and goodnights are exchanged.

Sleep is difficult, there are butterflies. The morning comes, I get dressed, make coffee for my friend, say my thanks, we hug, and I leave. It turns out that I’ll only see her once more because she has to relocate for work, but she’s not who I’m thinking about. I don’t see the flatmate in the morning but I think about her more than I should. She has eyes that make me shy and has the gentlest whisper of a voice. I resign myself to the fact that I’ll probably never see her again.

A notification pops up on my iPhone the day after, from someone requesting to add me on Facebook but I don’t recognise the name. I click on it and I know immediately who it is. Isn’t it funny how one message can make your day a lot brighter? We don’t interact much though, and I put her out of my mind, tough as it is. I don’t have the courage to ask her out because it’ll be awkward when she says no. I’m 99% sure that she doesn’t like me in that way, but there’s always that 1% that keeps me guessing. You can want who you want, and that’s okay. The problem is that the other person can also want who they want.

Weeks and months pass, and she occasionally crosses my mind.

A night out with the boys isn’t a regular thing, but our calendars finally align and we arrange dinner and drinks. Party of five, three of us married, one soon to be engaged and a single man who sometimes thinks of someone he could never have. The night is suitably raucous, bars follow the restaurant, a nightclub follows the bars. Later, it’s time for a taxi and to head for bed.

The taxi queue is huge and guess who’s in front of me? It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, and at least I’m wearing more clothes this time. We catch up and we’re heading in the same direction, so she offers to drop me off on the way. Only an idiot would say no. We catch up, and before I get to where I need to be, she asks if I’d like to come in for a glass of wine and some food? Again, only an idiot would say no.

Wine is poured and food is ordered. She asks me to stick a film on, and Who Framed Roger Rabbit is in her collection. No brainer, right? We drink, we chat, we laugh. She quotes the film regularly, could she be perfect?

The film progresses, and the doorbell rings just as F and Jessica Rabbit say at the same time, “You don’t know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.” She goes to open the door and I whisper the next line, “You don’t know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman, looking the way you do.”

It’s only when she’s at the front door that I notice a photograph of her, a man and a baby.

She returns with the food and I ask about the picture. She looks at me candidly, and tells me that it’s her husband and her son and that both are out of town. She tells me that he cheated on her and that she wants to have her revenge, to get her own back with someone that she’s always liked. No need to worry, I’m only responsible for what I say, not about what you understand, she said.

My appetite is gone on both counts, time to go.

One of the things that I always wanted to happen, will never happen now. Who wants to be that guy? It could have been something that blossomed, but now it’s like dying flowers. It seems that some things that burn bright, burn short.

@TheSamMcLeod

Hopes and dreams and everything.

You can kid yourself on that you don’t like someone. Look in their eyes and ask yourself again if you truly believe that. Your brain can tell you that you don’t like someone, but what if your heart is on a different page?

You can get to know someone, not just with words, but with your eyes too. How they move, how they smile. How their hand reaches out for your hand at exactly at the same time, but neither of you realise in that moment, it just happens. You click.

You can meet someone that you didn’t think that you needed or wanted. You can be wrong. Don’t you sometimes push a door to see if there’s anything behind it? We all understand what it’s like to want something, but you sometimes try and force yourself to really believe that you don’t.

Maybe it’s just flirting initially. Those eyes again, catching the look of someone that you don’t know. At least you don’t know them yet, assuming that you’re interested. Or that they are. If you’re lucky enough, you can meet someone that can say things with their eyes that renders words meaningless. Someone that can make your eyeballs feel cold, because you can’t help but look.

It’s tough though. If you’re coming out of something serious, or you’re not over that one person that you thought you’d be with forever, it’s hard to put yourself out there and to make the first move, to make yourself vulnerable. Sometimes you can be closed off to the world, sometimes funny, sometimes shy and sometimes absolutely terrified of telling someone that you like them.

Maybe we’re all the same? We’re all boring at times. We’re all ordinary in our own way. Fuck, we’re all absolutely box office in our own way. Aren’t we all shy too though at times? Perhaps it just depends on the day that we’re having. It’s okay to not know all of the answers, but don’t you always want to try and be brave enough to be able to ask all of the questions?

It’s okay to be a bit awkward though. Sometimes think people can think that you’re standoffish and that you can’t have a normal conversation, and that you’re rude, but you’re really not. Quietness. Shyness. With your close friends, you could talk the hind leg off of a donkey, but chances are that most of the time, you’re never going to be the life and soul of the party.

That shyness inside can make it difficult for you to open up to the opposite sex and ask a question that you know that you want to ask. What happens though you look at someone, you talk to them and then your heart beats faster? You have to ask. If you like someone, you have to tell them. Sure, it might be difficult to come out with the words that you want to say, but isn’t it better to step up?

Maybe you stall before you start.

Sometimes you don’t want to like someone but it happens. Consequences create risks. The warning signs can be lit up like the Las Vegas Strip. Run before you stray too close. Easier said than done though, right? Don’t you have to put yourself back out there at some point?

I met her randomly. In ten minutes, I had a thousand thoughts of her and she noticed. My heart was pounding. It’s infuriating, someone can be everything that you could ever want, whilst simultaneously being no one that you could ever have. Maybe one day the penny will drop and you realise that hearts don’t mean to break other hearts.

I eventually plucked up the courage and asked the question, but she declined. She had me briefly but she lost me. I knew that I was falling for her. I was an idiot for thinking that she was falling for me too.

Maybe if something never even really starts, you never have to worry about it ending? It’s only after that you know that something isn’t going to happen, that you realise that you threw away so many other chances that you could have had, because you can’t have the one chance that you wanted in that moment.

I was almost even a little bit happy that if it wasn’t going to be me that she wanted, it was going to be someone who she wanted.

I held her. We broke our hug, she left and didn’t look back. My feet are telling me that I need to chase after her. Sense kicks in and I close my eyes, exhale and stay exactly where I am. Maybe it’s the fact that she won’t come after me that hurts the most.

All I want for you to be is happy or something. I just miss what I thought we would have.

@TheSamMcLeod

Ticking of clocks.

Doesn’t having a type seem a bit restricting? You can say that you only like blondes, but then you can meet a brunette or a redhead who turn out to be fabulous. Do you ignore someone just because of some silly rule that you’ve created for yourself? Sometimes, someone comes into your life straight out of left field. Okay, it’s a baseball reference, but all it means is that something has happened to you that’s a little bit different, something untypical, something unusual. Hopefully it’s not a bad thing. You don’t need to try and find someone that you’re compatible with, maybe they find you, but you still need to work up the courage to talk to them. There are obvious pros and cons of dating, but you keep going until you find the person who might be the one. Could this finally be it?

It’s perfectly okay to decide to try someone new. Any new relationship always begins with a first for the both of you. Someone has to ask the first question and someone has to be ready with the first answer. There will be plenty of more firsts to come, if the answer to the question was yes. A first date, a first drink, a first meal together, a first kiss. Anything new is exciting. First never follows, right?

Sometimes though, one of you falls harder than the other.

What happens if one of you is rebounding? Perhaps the person that you meet, still hasn’t moved on from their previous relationship. They might want nothing to do with their ex, but feelings don’t just go away. Maybe that makes them want to embrace something new, as hard as they can. It’s understandable though. Do you wait around for the previous love, even though there’s a chance you’ll get hurt again?

Once they’ve moved on though, that first love can become interested again, sparking hope that everything can work again for them once more. Maybe the new person in your life now has this constant debate of whether or not to move on properly. It’s not easy for them but you need to think of yourself, so now you’re not sure what to do. First you lose trust, then you get worried. Another first. You can naturally become distant and that almost makes them more needy. Someone can tell you that they want you, but if their head isn’t in the right place, doesn’t that make you hesitant? Understandably, you don’t get too close, too fast. You feel hurt, so you move on. All well and good but too soon? It’s easy to get caught up in a back and forth game of who has your heart.

Getting close to someone can make us vulnerable, liking someone can somehow scare us off. When you truly open yourself up to someone and give them your trust, it can be an uneasy feeling. Someone new can do nothing to jeopardise things, but we can still be irrationally worried that something bad is going to happen because of things that have happened to us before. When you lose trust in someone or something, it’s not difficult to feel anxious and to expect the worst. It’s not fair but you feel how you feel.

It’s natural that you have the feeling that you’ll get hurt again and that you’ll become trapped about worrying what to do. The emotional miles add up. No one ever tells you where the edge of the pool is. You just wade out there and at some point, you find yourself in deep water. Do you keep on swimming or do you turn back? It’s easy to ask yourself, how am I the lucky one?

That feeling when you become close with someone. Maybe it’s something and nothing initially. A thing that just happened in the moment. It grows slower for one of you, but it still grows.

When you meet someone who has recently left someone, they might have chosen to move on, but isn’t there still going to be a love between the two of them? Maybe they chased you though? A lot of us have pursued and a lot of us have been pursued. We’ve all been rejected, and most of us have rejected at least one person in our lives. We all lose now and again, sometimes we win, nobody’s completely infallible. We know it’s unfair but it is what it is. Life.

Maybe you can be happy with someone new, but you can’t shake the feeling that maybe you should have stayed where you were. Maybe moving on was wrong, and you’re frightened that you’ll lose that love forever. Choose. You’re either in or you’re out. There are no more games to be played.

Focus on yourself. You never want to be so busy living that you forget to make a life for yourself. There’s no point in going looking for a pineapple if you already have a peach.

It was her. She was the one who showed interest first, she wanted this relationship first. She became confusing, someone that you couldn’t talk to about how you were feeling. She became cold and avoidant. It was confusing, given how she’d previously been so inviting. She said she wanted something, and then suddenly she wanted something different. Someone different.

I look at her and have no idea what she’s thinking. I used to think that I liked not having the answers to everything important. Now I know that I need them. I need to know. I do not deserve to wait around forever when you were there first.

@TheSamMcLeod

Light up your wildest dreams.

When is the best time to start or try something new? Today, tomorrow? Maybe it depends on what it is, perhaps nothing should have a timescale. A new job, a new relationship, moving house, are all massive changes in your life. You can be excited and scared at the same time, just human nature, right? Fear plays a big part in all of our lives, it doesn’t matter who you are. Perhaps if you can understand that fear on some level, things become slightly easier. It doesn’t really matter if you’re scared of getting into a new relationship, or taking a new job, or moving, you have to confront your fears at some point.

A lot of the time, when we make a plan to change our lives, it’s easy to focus on all the practical stuff. Isn’t it true though, that changing your life starts with changing the way that you see things in your life? You don’t choose to alter things otherwise. You’ve identified that something isn’t quite right, so you look for something different that will make you happier. You’re brave, because change isn’t easy.

Change is scary, no doubt about it. What if it doesn’t work out? What if it does though? Maybe the only way to find out if you’re going to be truly happy, is to risk exposing yourself to everything. Everyone gets things wrong. Not many of us realise the importance of a decision until we make a mistake. If you make the wrong choice a dozen times in a row, does making the thirteenth choice right, negate everything that’s gone before? You can make errors, you can take a risk and look like the silliest person in the world, but you have to keep on going. Doing something different might give you cause for concern, but if it scares you, it might be a good thing to try. Whatever you decide to do though, you do everything to make sure that it makes you happy. Common sense.

Sure, doubts can happen, but don’t you still take that step? Mistakes are often seen as a failure, but are they really? You learn from everything. Regret what you’ve done, rather that what you haven’t? How many chances do we get in a lifetime, and if we let them go, will we regret them for the rest of our lives? Those moments, when we lose them, can’t be found again. They’re just gone. What if you decide against changing things for the better? You’ll never know about those lost chances, those lost opportunities, those lost possibilities. It’s okay to be scared though. So many of us live a life that doesn’t make us happy, but we don’t ever take the initiative to change our situation. Isn’t one of the best things about being alive, having a passion for adventure and experiencing new things?

Be something greater, go make a legacy?

For example, what would you give for one more night with someone that you’ve lost? One more conversation, one chance to make up for the times when you took them for granted because you thought that they would be around forever? Wouldn’t you grab every minute of it and never give any of those minutes back until there was nothing left of them? Why not do the same for yourself?

Not all decisions need to be permanent, but isn’t that the same with indecision? Don’t you need to make a choice either way? Maybe your future comes from your past. Maybe there is another life that you could have had, but you’re having this one, so you make it the best you can. What if something happens to you and you can make it a new one? Maybe you don’t settle down in one place or stick with the same job. Everyone is different though. Hopefully, most of us will live a long time and have the opportunity to change our lives and move into an experience, but it will only happen if we want it to.

Maybe everything you want is out there for you to grab it, but if you don’t reach for it, you’ll never know. The only person you need to convince is yourself. If things are perfect in your life, then you’re super lucky. If they’re not though, it’s time to convince yourself, that something needs to change.

Things are going to change.

Being in limbo hasn’t been much fun. A day came when it was time to start searching for different answers. Opportunities happen rarely on their own, sometimes you need to go out and find them. A new place to live, a new job, even someone new in your life. One step at a time though, right? Decide where you want to live. Find out what it is that you like doing best, and get someone to pay you for going to work every day. Let’s face it, the expert in what you do, was once a novice but you can be that person. High hopes. Discover if you’re ready for someone new. Two out of three seems to be okay with a certain American.

There can be many things in life that catch your eye, but not many catch your heart. You know which ones to go after.

A moment has just changed the game. Not just for me, but for a lot of people around me that I love dearly. I hoped this day would come, I didn’t know how but I always had a feeling.

Rewrite your history, light up your wildest dreams.

@TheSamMcLeod

I met a superhero.

No matter what you do, no matter what you achieve with your life, isn’t there always at least one moment when you have to give yourself a pep talk? You can be feeling so good about everything that’s going on in your world one day, and then tomorrow comes, and you can’t see how things can possibly get better for you. Ups and downs, just part of life. You can’t dwell on it though, you need to pull yourself together, and the best person to help you do that, is usually the face looking back at you in the mirror. You constantly ask yourself questions when you have one of those kind of days. Are you happy? Did you do things today that mattered to you?

If you’re struggling, and you have no one to turn to, you go it alone, you make decisions on your own. Sure, you have people in your life that you care about and who could give you advice. Family is important, friends are important, but if you’re lucky, you have that one person in your life that makes every day better. You want to be with the person who tells you to have fun when you go out with your friends, and who gets excited when you come home. Someone that you can share sunrises and sunsets with. Love should be a partnership, not a dictatorship, right? None of us are here forever so if you’re going to share your life with someone, you need to choose wisely. Someone who makes the good times better and the hard times easier. You can be an individual, but still be part of something bigger than yourself.

Whoever you choose, is just another choice, as harsh as that may sound. Don’t we all make choices every day? What to do, what to eat, what to wear? You want your life to be the best that it can be, so you choose. None of us want to just exist though. Isn’t it all about challenging things, challenging yourself, evolving, exploring and thriving. We’d all like to be an absolute rockstar in life, and to stand out everywhere in everything that we do. To stand out to the people that we love. Becoming a superhero to someone would be pretty cool. Who doesn’t love superheroes, as long as you don’t choose someone who’s your kryptonite. Maybe, all this time, your superpower has been loving someone else.

The person who sleeps beside you. The person that you decide to try and make a life with. The one person that you discuss the big decisions with. The person you hold, hug, kiss, touch. It’s a big decision deciding who you embark on the journey with. Maybe you take advice from people, you listen to everyone, maybe you listen to yourself. It’s impossible to be everything to everyone in your life, but there’s always a part of you that can’t stop trying to do it all, to try and make everyone happy. That’s tough, but you try, don’t you? You want to become the person who you always thought that you would be. There is one person there by your side, supporting you and making you better. Doing for you, what you do for them.

What happens if that one person isn’t around one day? Or every day?

They’re gone, you’ve lost them. You can want to do nothing about it, but you can also want to do everything about it. Fuck. Maybe Marilyn Monroe said it best. Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together. It doesn’t feel like that at the time though, does it?

If that day comes, you can have no idea where you are any more, what to think any more. You’re standing still, maybe you’re even going backwards, everything has changed. What do you do? You miss stuff. The care, the friendship, the joy you shared, the happiness, the love, the support, the warmth. Maybe the worst part is losing the friendship. That one person who stepped into your life and who always had your back.

When something good happens in your life, you want that one person there to share that happiness with. For some of us, thankfully, we can have that. For some of us, we can’t. Figuratively, it can feel like your missing a leg if that person isn’t around.

What do you do though? It’s not cool to jump straight into someone or something else if you really loved who you’ve just lost. Is your life just pretend for a while? Pretend you never met her? Pretend only superheroes exist? Pretend that the love that you shared would have died out anyway in time? Pretend that their love won’t belong to someone else in time? Pretend like your heart doesn’t hurt? Pretend that you’ve forgotten her name?

Maybe you are a superhero, and maybe there is no kryptonite. You’ll find out in time if you want to move on, won’t you?

This heartbreaking moment could be your reckoning. Perhaps you look at everything differently now. Inadvertently and suddenly, nothing is without meaning. No excuses for what you say or do. In the nicest possible way, fuck what everyone else thinks. You set new goals, because it’s just you now. Nothing is a bad idea any more. You’re a superhero, you just don’t know it yet.

A superhero who would give anything and everything for people in your life without looking for praise or validation. Giving without taking, we’ve all fallen for a superhero at some point.

Don’t you love who they are and what they make you? You don’t need a fictional superhero anymore, because you have one now. Or you did, but you’ve lost them. Fuck.

I want you to know that I’m hurting but I don’t want to tell you.

I met a superhero. I lost her. I want her back.

@TheSamMcLeod

A few mistakes ago.

Every day, different people come into your life. Depending on your outlook, and for how long the interaction is between you both, you might decide that you like or dislike them. You might choose to take some time to form an opinion about them, no choice is wrong, your perception is your reality, so you trust yourself. Sometimes, someone might come along and you have no opinion on them whatsoever. Nothing to do with them, they’re just in your life, perhaps in a work context, or they’re a friend of a friend. A relationship between two people can take a long time to develop. One person can know immediately that they’re interested in someone else, whereas the other person might take some time to notice her or him. Sometimes you have to go with your head, sometimes your heart. Isn’t it always the heart that has the potential to get you into trouble though?

You can think that you have your shit together but now and again, something happens to you and you’re thrown off. You’re tumbling down a hill, crashing into rocks and trees and you’re dazed for a while.

If someone likes you romantically, you’re either aware of it straight away or you have no clue at all. If it’s the second one, you’re probably a man, not really our strong suit, right? If you don’t open your eyes though, you won’t be able to see anything. Sometimes there are people that you’ll meet that are like a fire that should never be lit. The thing is with a new relationship though, knowing when to stop is probably more important than knowing when to start. It depends what we’re all looking for. It’s easy to spend every night with someone different but some of us want something more meaningful. You can admire someone from a distance, but sometimes the distance should be as far away as possible.

Sometimes people come into your life and you feel like you have to look after them, because they can’t do it on their own. It’s not your job though really, is it?

Some relationships are like monsoon season, short and steamy. This was not. Long and drawn out, a slow burner. I knew that as soon as we met, that she was not a good idea. Sometimes though, different things will fight each other for the right to win your heart and your senses. Fear, hope, love, lust. What an absolute cauldron of confusion. It’s just how things work though, isn’t it?

She was a boatload of trouble and I knew that she knew that I knew. Everyone knew. She had a beguiling innocence. Innocence has a way of haunting you like nothing else. She could make your eyeballs stand up and she was well aware of it. Some other women hated women like her, but that was to be expected, because she was a potential threat. No one seemed immune to her charm. I guess she knew this. Was she playing with everyone just for the fun of it? She could have the most devoted of boyfriends and husbands questioning whether or not she might be worth the risk. What man wouldn’t want to tell her everything that she wanted to know? She was one of those girls that was guaranteed to be a shit ton of fun until she wasn’t. She was like walking into a hornet’s nest and being suddenly surrounded by a swarm of bees. Something was definitely going to sting if you decided to give her what she wanted. She was a maze, practically a labyrinth. The issue is though, that the only thing that you know for sure about labyrinths, is that there’s always bad news waiting for you at the end.

She was beyond beautiful, aesthetically. It’s easy to see the beauty before all of the imperfections though. Perhaps there was an inner sadness that enhanced her beauty, one that was barely visible but if you’re perceptive enough, you find it. You just hope that you find it quickly.

The way in which she looked at me practically begged for a cover charge and a two drink minimum, but I liked someone else. I just didn’t have the courage to tell her. It’s nice to be desired, to be wanted though, right? If you’re male, sometimes your ego will be your downfall. Who in the world knows which one of the falling snowflakes starts the avalanche?

I liked her and that bothered me. Fuck, every boy liked her. Everyone liked being around her, but if a little of her company was good, then a ton was even better. Everyone knew that she was trouble, but maybe sometimes, with the benefit of hindsight, someone giving you good advice, can seem like a prophet. Everyone advised against it. Would she be an adventure? Sure, but some adventures, a man can live without. Before you choose to go down a particular road, you should ask yourself what lies at the end of it.

It’s easy to forget how much of an idiot you can be at times. Maybe we’re all sillier than we imagine. It turns out that common sense has little to do with reason. You can justify anything to yourself if you want to. Maybe you have a bad habit of telling yourself things that aren’t true? Could it work?

It was just a random night out when she decided to open up. You do the right thing, so I walked her home. I said goodnight and turned to walk away. She stopped me, with a hand on my back. Would you like to come up for coffee, she said? It might have only been six or seven seconds of silence between her question and my answer, but it felt like a lifetime. I told her that I didn’t drink coffee. She replied that she didn’t have any coffee. Whatever good things you’ve heard about me probably aren’t true, she said. Whatever bad things you’ve heard, are definitely just the tip of the iceberg, she said. I’ll give you everything that you want, she said. It’s only later that you realise that someone who’s willing to give you everything that she thinks you want, is probably also capable of taking everything that you have. We held each other’s gaze for several beats longer than we should have. Maybe sometimes you don’t have to say anything at all to be eloquent. We should never ask questions that we don’t want the answer to. Sometimes though, the horse has bolted and is a fucking long way down the lane. Everything was on pause and then it wasn’t. It was time to press play. I asked if she liked me? I’ve been in love with you for a year, so I thought it seemed like it might be time to find out whether or not you felt the same about me, she said. It would appear not, she said. Taking a deep breath, I held it for a couple of seconds and let it out. Sometimes you have to do things that you don’t want to do.

A game? Undoubtedly. I started the long walk home. Alone. I’d never fled from danger in my life but she gave me cause for concern. Getting into anything with her would be like trying to pick up a water balloon in the dark with razorblades. It’s not going to work. She wanted me to look at her the way that I did another, but I couldn’t.

In another time and in another life? No. There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page or close the book. She’s a book I’ll never read.

I knew you were trouble when you walked in.

@TheSamMcLeod

There is not a single word, in the whole world.

When you start a new relationship, how early is too early to lay down the things that you both expect from each other? Where do you even begin, isn’t it more exciting to just get caught up in that initial whirlwind of something new, rather than worry about anything else?

If your mind made a choice for you though, wouldn’t it probably start with honesty between you both and work on things from there? Maybe it’s better to see how things progress first? You don’t want to have your words misinterpreted, you need to have them understood. Perhaps that takes time with someone new. The need that leaves you almost incapable of existing without the other person can be a tricky thing to deal with.

As your relationships with people move forward, whether just a friendship or not, you begin to realise that there are people in your life that you would crawl over broken glass for.

A lot of us have best friends. That one person that you know that you can rely on, despite anything else in the world. It doesn’t matter if you live next door to each other or if you’re thousands of miles apart, both of you know that you’re there for the other person. No matter what, no questions asked. If you’re lucky enough, maybe your partner is your best friend and you get to see them every day. Sometimes, you never have to worry about who has your back, who is behind you. Some people are not worth the risk. Some are. It’s important to choose wisely.

There is a lot to be said for having the person that you love beside you. Saturday nights on the sofa with a film. Sunday mornings reading the newspapers together. Days and nights out together. Don’t you realise that you only need those things when you need them? There’s no instruction manual though for how a relationship should progress. It doesn’t matter if it’s a romantic one or something purely platonic, you both just try and work things out the best you can, don’t you?

A day will come when you can feel like you’ve known someone for beyond forever. When you’re friends with someone, you don’t have to have anything in common with the people you’ve known since you were both in primary school. With old friends, you’ve got your whole life in common.

Your oldest friend isn’t always your best friend. What if they were one day though, and then they weren’t the next? Your initial reaction might contain a mixture of anguish, confusion and hurt. Wouldn’t you settle for being their second best friend? Doesn’t it depend on the circumstances? You want that person who is your first everything, because they’re the best. You’d take second any day.

We’ve been friends for longer than either of us care to remember. One day, I get an email and she’s gushing about this new man that she’s met. It’s pretty much impossible to be anything other than happy when the people that you care about most are happy. I was happy for her, for him and for me, because my best friend was happy. That’s how it should work, right? Shouldn’t the world run on happiness?

Endless conversations happened, visits were made to each other from thousands of miles apart and there was a glow in her eyes that I hadn’t seen in a long time. You can be incredibly delighted for someone and it should enrich yourself. That’s what I saw and it was amazing. This girl that I’d held hands with on the first day of primary school had met the man that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Fedex and UPS can track millions of packages a day but some of us can’t find the one person to share the rest of our life with. I was a tiny bit jealous but not for long. It was lovely to see. They liked a lot of the same things. Physical attraction is important but isn’t having someone that makes you challenge yourself, smile, think, just as valuable? She told me that was what they had, it sounded like absolute perfection. They had promises in their gaze, promises to each other.

Sometimes a day comes though, and you realise that tomorrow will be different. Their ending was never supposed to be written. Trying to understand it all would be like shouting at the clouds, maybe sometimes the stars just don’t align. How were you to know?

It’s easy to think that two people are like one and one is none.

A call comes and the heartbreak is almost palpable over the telephone. We speak for six hours and then she sleeps. A decision is made, a journey of over three thousand miles is sorted, unbeknownst to her. You do something, because it’s the right thing to do. You can’t save everyone in your life but it’s your best friend, so you try. It’s not like you’re trying to make the world safer for everyone else, it’s just that one person who needs you now and maybe they don’t even know it. Isn’t love is giving a piece of your life to try and mend the holes in the life of another? Little things sometimes can make all of the difference. Sometimes all you can do is hold a friend closely and wish that you could take their pain away.

It’s difficult to imagine how someone can be happy when their fate lies in someone else’s hands, ready to be destroyed at any moment. Two pieces of a puzzle sometimes feel like they should fit together, but now, they couldn’t be further removed from each other.

Needless to say it was a surprise, but in true testament to our friendship, we picked up right where we left off. Hugs, crying, laughing, hours of absolute silence. Sometimes, some things are better left unsaid but those periods of quietness were never uncomfortable. The silence doesn’t have to invade, you can let it in of your own volition.

Witnessing someone who is very close to you struggle with their sadness is heartbreaking. It can consume you and you know that nothing is going to be the same for a long time. Their pain radiates onto you. If things cast a shadow in your relationship, then they can be pretty hard to look past or forget, not many things grow in the shade. That was their relationship but we both know that we’ll always be golden. We’re friends.

You do anything you can when a friend is struggling. When your heart is torn from your chest, sure, it hurts but it’s so much worse for them. You listen as much as you can, you give advice where appropriate. If someone has hurt someone close to you, isn’t it natural to want to exact some revenge, to try and hurt them back? Even if you’re going to throw verbal punches, do you ever know which ones are going to land? What’s the point? You focus on your friend.

He knows what he did and neither of us will ever forgive him. Nobody is perfect, we all understand that but you don’t say one thing and do another. It’s okay to fuck up, just as long as you learn something. You can’t always choose the situation that you find yourself in but you can choose how you react to it. Lesson learned and for more than one of them.

Maybe life is about more than moments with someone though? Don’t we all want something to do and something to look forward to for ourselves, as well as someone to love? Maybe life is about choices. They have to be made, but they always have consequences. Maybe we’re the vehicles of our own fate. All you want sometimes is to be happy, but is happiness a selfish desire?

It turns out that friends can break your heart too, but she has another that she can count on. Forever. Forever ever.

You’re my best friend. Remember two things, I love you like mad and just let the pain remind you hearts can heal.