Minus the tears.

You can ask questions of yourself constantly. Sometimes those questions are not massively important in the grand scheme of things. What do I want for dinner? Which outfit am I rocking today? Now and again, the questions are a bit more serious. What do I want to do with my life, what do I want to achieve? Do I want to be in a relationship and in love? Who do I want that person to be? So many questions and sometimes, you don’t have all of the answers. Occasionally though, someone or something happens to you, and your question which you couldn’t find the answer to, gets answered for you.

Starting anything new is like a roller coaster. Ups and downs, but that’s okay, nothing is ever perfect. She was close to it though. I didn’t accidentally fall in love with her, but it wasn’t on purpose. You take a chance because you should. Sure, you might get hurt, but without taking the chance, how will you know? It would be like not going to the playground because you might fall off of a swing.

She was amazing. She is amazing. Her eyes have an endless twinkle. It took us some time but we got to the stage where we could mention the L word. Sometimes though, as good as things can be, and despite how long or short of a time that you’ve spent together, things come to an end. Could it be that the best time to figure out who you are, and what you really want out of life is just when someone breaks your heart?

We’ve all experienced being loved and we’ve all experienced having our hearts broken. Those experiences aren’t the same for everyone but we’ve all had them. It doesn’t matter who ended things, you’re both still allowed to hurt. One morning you’ll wake up and your heart, for the first time, won’t hurt as much as it did the day before. It might take a month, six months or a year of sleepless nights. You have to keep going. Letting go of someone doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them anymore. Perhaps you just hit that point when it dawns on you that the only person that you can really count on, is yourself. It’s not strength necessarily, isn’t it understanding? It can be the most painful thing you might ever have to do, hopefully though, you’ll get to a place where you’re okay again. Maybe one day, you’ll be able to have a relationship, even if it’s just a friendship. Right now though, any sort of relationship or any sort of conversation is out of the question. Both are irretrievable, at least for the foreseeable future.

I know we’re not supposed to talk.

In the aftermath of something ending, your brain works overtime, it would be easy to drive yourself crazy. You’re missing her or him, but you know that you need to move on. If you can’t do anything about it though, then you have to let it go. You know it’s for the best, and yet you still question things. Those fucking questions again.

Your heart and your head are a mess. Change is difficult, you can want to fight to hold on but sometimes it’s easier to not fight and to just let go. Maybe if you can manage to say goodbye to each other on decent terms, then there might be a future for you both in some way, shape or form.

I don’t want to and I can’t force it though. It’s causing hurt and pain, so this isn’t meant for me right now. Hurt and pain aren’t meant for any of us. Maybe when emotions are raw, the more you fight for something that isn’t for you, the more it’ll hit you back harder. It’s pretty much impossible to try and discard the memories though.

No matter how much suffering you’ve been through, you want to keep a hold of those memories. So I saved all of the messages, all of the texts, all of the videos. Those are the tangible memories, rather than the ones you think wistfully about in your head. Just to remind myself of how good it is. Shit, how it was.

I look at her eyes and there is a nothing there that means everything. Zero trace of anything that had gone before and I knew it was done. Relief, in a way, we were over. I felt an incredible sadness, because I might never look at her the same way again. I’ll never be that boy again because I was her boy. She might not admit it now, but she’ll never be that girl again because she was my girl. The girl who chased me to try and make me realise that she could be my everything. The girl who put up with me saying no all of the time but who loved me anyway, until something clicked in my head that all I wanted to say to her was yes.

My today is about to become my tomorrow. Time to move on? Impossible right now, the thought of it makes me feel like I’m standing on a diving board above an empty pool. When you tell yourself you’re done, you’re done. Aren’t you?

I shouldn’t miss you, I can’t help it, I just…

@TheSamMcLeod

There’s no way I can pay you back.

When someone close to you passes away, everyone around you tells you that loss gets easier with time. Their hearts are in the right place, but they’re not telling the truth. Loss happens to all of us constantly, and the sadness would cripple us if it wasn’t for the support of friends and loved ones, so you can understand that they are hurting for you and that their words might not be quite right in that second. As time goes on, the thoughts of the person you’ve lost, becomes more infrequent and the periods of times that you miss them grow longer.

Something will happen to you occasionally though, maybe you hear a song or you see a photograph, and you remember to miss them again, but it’s still with a heartbreaking pain. You feel guilty because it’s been too long since you remembered missing them or thinking about them. It’s just life, you shouldn’t feel too bad, although you do. More words that you can appreciate but they feel hollow, don’t they? You’re sad and that’s okay.

Maybe from your sadness, a feeling of thankfulness takes place? Their passing can be a reminder to you that your moments are limited and that we should all grasp the chances we have to live as adventurously as we can, to be happy, to forgive, to love.

We didn’t always see eye to eye, but the plan is to show you that I understand.

The anniversary of losing someone is hard, but you need to try and stay strong for the family around you. It’s okay though to have some private time to yourself to cry, to grieve, to remember, even to smile.

Today is one of those days. You have me crying and smiling at the same time when I think of you. I miss you, we miss you. I love you, we love you. It might seem like it doesn’t happen every day, but it does. Thank you for being who you were.

You are appreciated.

I met a superhero.

No matter what you do, no matter what you achieve with your life, isn’t there always at least one moment when you have to give yourself a pep talk? You can be feeling so good about everything that’s going on in your world one day, and then tomorrow comes, and you can’t see how things can possibly get better for you. Ups and downs, just part of life. You can’t dwell on it though, you need to pull yourself together, and the best person to help you do that, is usually the face looking back at you in the mirror. You constantly ask yourself questions when you have one of those kind of days. Are you happy? Did you do things today that mattered to you?

If you’re struggling, and you have no one to turn to, you go it alone, you make decisions on your own. Sure, you have people in your life that you care about and who could give you advice. Family is important, friends are important, but if you’re lucky, you have that one person in your life that makes every day better. You want to be with the person who tells you to have fun when you go out with your friends, and who gets excited when you come home. Someone that you can share sunrises and sunsets with. Love should be a partnership, not a dictatorship, right? None of us are here forever so if you’re going to share your life with someone, you need to choose wisely. Someone who makes the good times better and the hard times easier. You can be an individual, but still be part of something bigger than yourself.

Whoever you choose, is just another choice, as harsh as that may sound. Don’t we all make choices every day? What to do, what to eat, what to wear? You want your life to be the best that it can be, so you choose. None of us want to just exist though. Isn’t it all about challenging things, challenging yourself, evolving, exploring and thriving. We’d all like to be an absolute rockstar in life, and to stand out everywhere in everything that we do. To stand out to the people that we love. Becoming a superhero to someone would be pretty cool. Who doesn’t love superheroes, as long as you don’t choose someone who’s your kryptonite. Maybe, all this time, your superpower has been loving someone else.

The person who sleeps beside you. The person that you decide to try and make a life with. The one person that you discuss the big decisions with. The person you hold, hug, kiss, touch. It’s a big decision deciding who you embark on the journey with. Maybe you take advice from people, you listen to everyone, maybe you listen to yourself. It’s impossible to be everything to everyone in your life, but there’s always a part of you that can’t stop trying to do it all, to try and make everyone happy. That’s tough, but you try, don’t you? You want to become the person who you always thought that you would be. There is one person there by your side, supporting you and making you better. Doing for you, what you do for them.

What happens if that one person isn’t around one day? Or every day?

They’re gone, you’ve lost them. You can want to do nothing about it, but you can also want to do everything about it. Fuck. Maybe Marilyn Monroe said it best. Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together. It doesn’t feel like that at the time though, does it?

If that day comes, you can have no idea where you are any more, what to think any more. You’re standing still, maybe you’re even going backwards, everything has changed. What do you do? You miss stuff. The care, the friendship, the joy you shared, the happiness, the love, the support, the warmth. Maybe the worst part is losing the friendship. That one person who stepped into your life and who always had your back.

When something good happens in your life, you want that one person there to share that happiness with. For some of us, thankfully, we can have that. For some of us, we can’t. Figuratively, it can feel like your missing a leg if that person isn’t around.

What do you do though? It’s not cool to jump straight into someone or something else if you really loved who you’ve just lost. Is your life just pretend for a while? Pretend you never met her? Pretend only superheroes exist? Pretend that the love that you shared would have died out anyway in time? Pretend that their love won’t belong to someone else in time? Pretend like your heart doesn’t hurt? Pretend that you’ve forgotten her name?

Maybe you are a superhero, and maybe there is no kryptonite. You’ll find out in time if you want to move on, won’t you?

This heartbreaking moment could be your reckoning. Perhaps you look at everything differently now. Inadvertently and suddenly, nothing is without meaning. No excuses for what you say or do. In the nicest possible way, fuck what everyone else thinks. You set new goals, because it’s just you now. Nothing is a bad idea any more. You’re a superhero, you just don’t know it yet.

A superhero who would give anything and everything for people in your life without looking for praise or validation. Giving without taking, we’ve all fallen for a superhero at some point.

Don’t you love who they are and what they make you? You don’t need a fictional superhero anymore, because you have one now. Or you did, but you’ve lost them. Fuck.

I want you to know that I’m hurting but I don’t want to tell you.

I met a superhero. I lost her. I want her back.

@TheSamMcLeod

A few mistakes ago.

Every day, different people come into your life. Depending on your outlook, and for how long the interaction is between you both, you might decide that you like or dislike them. You might choose to take some time to form an opinion about them, no choice is wrong, your perception is your reality, so you trust yourself. Sometimes, someone might come along and you have no opinion on them whatsoever. Nothing to do with them, they’re just in your life, perhaps in a work context, or they’re a friend of a friend. A relationship between two people can take a long time to develop. One person can know immediately that they’re interested in someone else, whereas the other person might take some time to notice her or him. Sometimes you have to go with your head, sometimes your heart. Isn’t it always the heart that has the potential to get you into trouble though?

You can think that you have your shit together but now and again, something happens to you and you’re thrown off. You’re tumbling down a hill, crashing into rocks and trees and you’re dazed for a while.

If someone likes you romantically, you’re either aware of it straight away or you have no clue at all. If it’s the second one, you’re probably a man, not really our strong suit, right? If you don’t open your eyes though, you won’t be able to see anything. Sometimes there are people that you’ll meet that are like a fire that should never be lit. The thing is with a new relationship though, knowing when to stop is probably more important than knowing when to start. It depends what we’re all looking for. It’s easy to spend every night with someone different but some of us want something more meaningful. You can admire someone from a distance, but sometimes the distance should be as far away as possible.

Sometimes people come into your life and you feel like you have to look after them, because they can’t do it on their own. It’s not your job though really, is it?

Some relationships are like monsoon season, short and steamy. This was not. Long and drawn out, a slow burner. I knew that as soon as we met, that she was not a good idea. Sometimes though, different things will fight each other for the right to win your heart and your senses. Fear, hope, love, lust. What an absolute cauldron of confusion. It’s just how things work though, isn’t it?

She was a boatload of trouble and I knew that she knew that I knew. Everyone knew. She had a beguiling innocence. Innocence has a way of haunting you like nothing else. She could make your eyeballs stand up and she was well aware of it. Some other women hated women like her, but that was to be expected, because she was a potential threat. No one seemed immune to her charm. I guess she knew this. Was she playing with everyone just for the fun of it? She could have the most devoted of boyfriends and husbands questioning whether or not she might be worth the risk. What man wouldn’t want to tell her everything that she wanted to know? She was one of those girls that was guaranteed to be a shit ton of fun until she wasn’t. She was like walking into a hornet’s nest and being suddenly surrounded by a swarm of bees. Something was definitely going to sting if you decided to give her what she wanted. She was a maze, practically a labyrinth. The issue is though, that the only thing that you know for sure about labyrinths, is that there’s always bad news waiting for you at the end.

She was beyond beautiful, aesthetically. It’s easy to see the beauty before all of the imperfections though. Perhaps there was an inner sadness that enhanced her beauty, one that was barely visible but if you’re perceptive enough, you find it. You just hope that you find it quickly.

The way in which she looked at me practically begged for a cover charge and a two drink minimum, but I liked someone else. I just didn’t have the courage to tell her. It’s nice to be desired, to be wanted though, right? If you’re male, sometimes your ego will be your downfall. Who in the world knows which one of the falling snowflakes starts the avalanche?

I liked her and that bothered me. Fuck, every boy liked her. Everyone liked being around her, but if a little of her company was good, then a ton was even better. Everyone knew that she was trouble, but maybe sometimes, with the benefit of hindsight, someone giving you good advice, can seem like a prophet. Everyone advised against it. Would she be an adventure? Sure, but some adventures, a man can live without. Before you choose to go down a particular road, you should ask yourself what lies at the end of it.

It’s easy to forget how much of an idiot you can be at times. Maybe we’re all sillier than we imagine. It turns out that common sense has little to do with reason. You can justify anything to yourself if you want to. Maybe you have a bad habit of telling yourself things that aren’t true? Could it work?

It was just a random night out when she decided to open up. You do the right thing, so I walked her home. I said goodnight and turned to walk away. She stopped me, with a hand on my back. Would you like to come up for coffee, she said? It might have only been six or seven seconds of silence between her question and my answer, but it felt like a lifetime. I told her that I didn’t drink coffee. She replied that she didn’t have any coffee. Whatever good things you’ve heard about me probably aren’t true, she said. Whatever bad things you’ve heard, are definitely just the tip of the iceberg, she said. I’ll give you everything that you want, she said. It’s only later that you realise that someone who’s willing to give you everything that she thinks you want, is probably also capable of taking everything that you have. We held each other’s gaze for several beats longer than we should have. Maybe sometimes you don’t have to say anything at all to be eloquent. We should never ask questions that we don’t want the answer to. Sometimes though, the horse has bolted and is a fucking long way down the lane. Everything was on pause and then it wasn’t. It was time to press play. I asked if she liked me? I’ve been in love with you for a year, so I thought it seemed like it might be time to find out whether or not you felt the same about me, she said. It would appear not, she said. Taking a deep breath, I held it for a couple of seconds and let it out. Sometimes you have to do things that you don’t want to do.

A game? Undoubtedly. I started the long walk home. Alone. I’d never fled from danger in my life but she gave me cause for concern. Getting into anything with her would be like trying to pick up a water balloon in the dark with razorblades. It’s not going to work. She wanted me to look at her the way that I did another, but I couldn’t.

In another time and in another life? No. There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page or close the book. She’s a book I’ll never read.

I knew you were trouble when you walked in.

@TheSamMcLeod

There is not a single word, in the whole world.

When you start a new relationship, how early is too early to lay down the things that you both expect from each other? Where do you even begin, isn’t it more exciting to just get caught up in that initial whirlwind of something new, rather than worry about anything else?

If your mind made a choice for you though, wouldn’t it probably start with honesty between you both and work on things from there? Maybe it’s better to see how things progress first? You don’t want to have your words misinterpreted, you need to have them understood. Perhaps that takes time with someone new. The need that leaves you almost incapable of existing without the other person can be a tricky thing to deal with.

As your relationships with people move forward, whether just a friendship or not, you begin to realise that there are people in your life that you would crawl over broken glass for.

A lot of us have best friends. That one person that you know that you can rely on, despite anything else in the world. It doesn’t matter if you live next door to each other or if you’re thousands of miles apart, both of you know that you’re there for the other person. No matter what, no questions asked. If you’re lucky enough, maybe your partner is your best friend and you get to see them every day. Sometimes, you never have to worry about who has your back, who is behind you. Some people are not worth the risk. Some are. It’s important to choose wisely.

There is a lot to be said for having the person that you love beside you. Saturday nights on the sofa with a film. Sunday mornings reading the newspapers together. Days and nights out together. Don’t you realise that you only need those things when you need them? There’s no instruction manual though for how a relationship should progress. It doesn’t matter if it’s a romantic one or something purely platonic, you both just try and work things out the best you can, don’t you?

A day will come when you can feel like you’ve known someone for beyond forever. When you’re friends with someone, you don’t have to have anything in common with the people you’ve known since you were both in primary school. With old friends, you’ve got your whole life in common.

Your oldest friend isn’t always your best friend. What if they were one day though, and then they weren’t the next? Your initial reaction might contain a mixture of anguish, confusion and hurt. Wouldn’t you settle for being their second best friend? Doesn’t it depend on the circumstances? You want that person who is your first everything, because they’re the best. You’d take second any day.

We’ve been friends for longer than either of us care to remember. One day, I get an email and she’s gushing about this new man that she’s met. It’s pretty much impossible to be anything other than happy when the people that you care about most are happy. I was happy for her, for him and for me, because my best friend was happy. That’s how it should work, right? Shouldn’t the world run on happiness?

Endless conversations happened, visits were made to each other from thousands of miles apart and there was a glow in her eyes that I hadn’t seen in a long time. You can be incredibly delighted for someone and it should enrich yourself. That’s what I saw and it was amazing. This girl that I’d held hands with on the first day of primary school had met the man that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Fedex and UPS can track millions of packages a day but some of us can’t find the one person to share the rest of our life with. I was a tiny bit jealous but not for long. It was lovely to see. They liked a lot of the same things. Physical attraction is important but isn’t having someone that makes you challenge yourself, smile, think, just as valuable? She told me that was what they had, it sounded like absolute perfection. They had promises in their gaze, promises to each other.

Sometimes a day comes though, and you realise that tomorrow will be different. Their ending was never supposed to be written. Trying to understand it all would be like shouting at the clouds, maybe sometimes the stars just don’t align. How were you to know?

It’s easy to think that two people are like one and one is none.

A call comes and the heartbreak is almost palpable over the telephone. We speak for six hours and then she sleeps. A decision is made, a journey of over three thousand miles is sorted, unbeknownst to her. You do something, because it’s the right thing to do. You can’t save everyone in your life but it’s your best friend, so you try. It’s not like you’re trying to make the world safer for everyone else, it’s just that one person who needs you now and maybe they don’t even know it. Isn’t love is giving a piece of your life to try and mend the holes in the life of another? Little things sometimes can make all of the difference. Sometimes all you can do is hold a friend closely and wish that you could take their pain away.

It’s difficult to imagine how someone can be happy when their fate lies in someone else’s hands, ready to be destroyed at any moment. Two pieces of a puzzle sometimes feel like they should fit together, but now, they couldn’t be further removed from each other.

Needless to say it was a surprise, but in true testament to our friendship, we picked up right where we left off. Hugs, crying, laughing, hours of absolute silence. Sometimes, some things are better left unsaid but those periods of quietness were never uncomfortable. The silence doesn’t have to invade, you can let it in of your own volition.

Witnessing someone who is very close to you struggle with their sadness is heartbreaking. It can consume you and you know that nothing is going to be the same for a long time. Their pain radiates onto you. If things cast a shadow in your relationship, then they can be pretty hard to look past or forget, not many things grow in the shade. That was their relationship but we both know that we’ll always be golden. We’re friends.

You do anything you can when a friend is struggling. When your heart is torn from your chest, sure, it hurts but it’s so much worse for them. You listen as much as you can, you give advice where appropriate. If someone has hurt someone close to you, isn’t it natural to want to exact some revenge, to try and hurt them back? Even if you’re going to throw verbal punches, do you ever know which ones are going to land? What’s the point? You focus on your friend.

He knows what he did and neither of us will ever forgive him. Nobody is perfect, we all understand that but you don’t say one thing and do another. It’s okay to fuck up, just as long as you learn something. You can’t always choose the situation that you find yourself in but you can choose how you react to it. Lesson learned and for more than one of them.

Maybe life is about more than moments with someone though? Don’t we all want something to do and something to look forward to for ourselves, as well as someone to love? Maybe life is about choices. They have to be made, but they always have consequences. Maybe we’re the vehicles of our own fate. All you want sometimes is to be happy, but is happiness a selfish desire?

It turns out that friends can break your heart too, but she has another that she can count on. Forever. Forever ever.

You’re my best friend. Remember two things, I love you like mad and just let the pain remind you hearts can heal.

Expectations fail.

He was just an ordinary guy. There was a girl in his life and he liked her. A lot. He was careful with her though, in deciding if she was someone that he wanted to give his heart to. If you get hurt in a previous relationship, you tend to be a bit wary the next time that you feel that you might be falling for someone. The next time that you dip your toe into the water of something new. No one wants to get hurt in the first place, but certainly not again. Sucks for the new person but that’s life. He weighed everything up in his world as regarded her. Pros and cons. She was pretty. She was compassionate, she was funny, she was personable. He could get lost in her eyes for days and her body was bonkers. Six zero to the pros. Was she too good to be true? He didn’t know yet. Despite all of those qualities, something didn’t sit right. If he thought all of those things about her, then why hadn’t someone else snapped her up? Six one. Unfair of him to think that way perhaps, but she still has the lead.

Then one day, he’s sitting reading through his Twitter timeline. A random message from someone drops into his inbox, telling him that the girl he was starting to fall for, apparently has a boyfriend. Six two. It didn’t take much investigating to find out that it was true. For someone who worked in finance, you think he would have done his due diligence, but there it was and now he knew. Clearly, she hadn’t mentioned the said boyfriend, so he knows that whilst she didn’t lie to him, she didn’t tell him the whole truth. Six three. It’s not a comeback on the scale of the Patriots in the second last SuperBowl, but the numbers are beginning to stack up. It was difficult though, they’d been best friends for a while but things had changed, it had all elevated. They grew closer and everything just felt right, they were practically perfect for each other. That’s what he’d thought anyway but it shows how wrong one person can be. How did he not know? Could they get back to where they started from?

He’s devastated, beyond hurt now, because he knows the conversations they’ve had and the feelings that they’ve shared are built on lies. He thought that she was the kind of girl that would change your life without even meaning to. The kind of girl that wouldn’t know that she’d done it, even if you told her. She told him that she loved him and he reciprocated those feelings. Intimate details have been exchanged and tears have fallen on both sides as one would comfort the other, about all of the hurt they’ve had going on in their respective lives since they met, but now everything feels like an untruth. Six four. It sounds like a fucking tennis match in his head at this point. Love means nothing in tennis. Perhaps it meant nothing now in his life.

Finally, he plucked up the courage to ask her about it and she admitted that it was true. She told him that her relationship with her boyfriend meant nothing to her any more and that she wanted to escape it. She hadn’t loved him for a long time and she didn’t want to be with him, he wasn’t the man for her.

He could understand that on some level, because he knew that leaving someone wasn’t always that easy and that perhaps she was stuck in a situation that she couldn’t get out of. He sighed a lot at the thought of it. Still keeping score? 6-10? 12-4? Good luck figuring it out.

What if none of it was true though? Perhaps she wasn’t the girl that he thought she was. He wasn’t sure how much he trusted his judgement any more. It’s okay to like someone, but you don’t want to be the person that breaks up a relationship, people need to work their shit out on their own. It’s not the fault of the guy that has a girlfriend that has been interacting with someone else. Maybe she’s difficult at home all of the time. Maybe they argue constantly and it’s of her doing. Maybe she doesn’t connect with him, emotionally or physically. Maybe she leaves the toilet seat down. It’s cheating, isn’t it? She’s definitely bad news for him and she’s forbidden fruit now. You don’t get involved with someone in a relationship, regardless of whether or not it’s toxic.

Intrinsically, you want to believe and trust everything that someone tells you. Unless they try to tell you that the Yankees are the best team in baseball or that the Giants are better than the Jets.

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If you want someone to blame and you can’t find that person in the mirror, you choose the nearest target, don’t you? The other person. He didn’t blame her for long, it’s part of his nature to forgive. She admitted everything and apologised, and that was enough for him, as tough as it was to hear. You can take things that someone tells you any way that you want, but don’t you just want it to be the right way?

Everything comes to a head though eventually. He’s moving away from her because of the lies and she knows that this is dead now, because of her. Is she finally being honest with herself, can she work to resolve or escape her situation? If you’re not happy, you leave it all, you end the relationship. Maybe she did love him, but she should have told the truth and they could have had a future together. Maybe it was just infatuation, and that’s okay, but you don’t lie about something as important as what your intentions are.

Whatever makes her happy is the most important thing to him though in terms of their relationship, and if that means it’s not with him, then so be it. Part of him didn’t want to give her up but sometimes, your heart rules your head. Or is it the other way around? Move forward should be your mantra every day, but you can’t dictate love. It just happens, no hesitations. Fuck it though, honesty was the best policy with her, with anyone. If she’d been honest, who could say? It’s closure. Better than not knowing whether to forget or to hang around.

Maybe sometimes you need to deny your heart.

@TheSamMcLeod

Your timing was so wrong.

Remember when you were younger and everything was simple and there was no limit to your future? It was easy to think that nothing was going to hurt you with your eyes shut. As we get older though, we get scared now and again of things that we weren’t when we were little. No monsters hiding under the bed any more, no need to sleep with a light on, the fears become different, the older you get. There’s no point of being scared of everything, although no one should be ashamed when they feel afraid, we all do sometimes.

It’s tough to tell someone, especially yourself, not to be scared. There’s always something worse out there, right? It’s normal behaviour to shy away from the things that we’re scared of. Perhaps the more you do something though, the fear is not on your radar as much anymore. When you’re scared, when life is causing you to evaluate what you’re doing and where you’re going, then maybe you’ll find out what you’re really made of. Maybe you take a risk or two? Better to be the person that fucked up, than someone that didn’t even try. There will be days when you can’t see clearly, even with a telescope. Those days when you couldn’t pour piss out of a shoe if the instructions were written on the bottom.That’s okay though, on other days, maybe it’s your job to win the Oscar for the person that most has their shit together.

Chaos, darkness and uncertainty can hover around you when you’re frightened. Maybe we’re scared to try new things because we think we have to get them right, the first time round. Leaving a job and starting a new one? Ending a relationship because you think that you want to be with someone else? Leaving your home and starting fresh somewhere anew?

Being scared can be quite cathartic at times though. Maybe a rule that more of us should have is that if we’re scared of something, we just do it. How brave do you feel when you’re doing things that scare you? A bungee jump, a skydive, anything that takes you out of your comfort zone? You should allow yourself a smile in those moments. Doesn’t everyone deserve to wear a smile sometimes? Each of us are brave, perfect and unique, all at the same time. How cool is that?

It can be scarier if things have to change for you because you had to make the decision because of the actions of someone else. We all make errors of judgement but it’s easy for a mistake to turn into something worse. You don’t want to miss out on the rest of your life out of some misplaced sense of loyalty for someone who badly messed up. Once trust is broken, it’s pretty fucking hard to superglue it back together. If it had happened before, it’s no coincidence now. Coincidence had been left out of your lexicon years ago. You can forgive, but sometimes, forgiving is not forgetting. Now you don’t have two people looking out for you, it’s down to one. Scary as ever, but brave.

Some days are harder than others. One day is like a sky of rainbow sherbet, and then others feel like your life is that side of beef that Sylvester Stallone used as a punching bag in Rocky.

One day though, a chance of something new presented itself. It scared the shit out of me, I hadn’t felt a feeling like it, in what seemed forever. An opportunity for something exciting, a chance to leave some things behind. Some bad, some good. Exciting but scary. Terrifying, really. It felt so cold in that moment, that prostitutes could’ve charged me to blow on my hands and I would have coughed up. Maybe though when you’re afraid of everything though, nothing can hold you back?

It’s a cliche that life is a marathon, not a sprint, but sometimes don’t we want to sprint the marathon? We want immediately to know what comes next, what life has in store for us. Opportunities. Sometimes, all you need though need is a little luck. You can find hope when you’re in the middle of the most hopeless of nightmares. Are you less scared now, will people still try to pull you down? If they want to tear you apart, they better pull hard.

Having someone or something as an anchor holds you in this world and that’s comforting, even if it’s just yourself. You can feel a need to leave sometimes, but then at the same moment, you realise that you have nowhere to go, nowhere to be. Maybe sometimes to speed things up, you need to slow down. Ironic. Until the penny drops, like a copper in a fountain or a well, it’s just one of your wishes, waiting to be fulfilled. One day that chance comes, and you realise that your life can change forever, and for so much the better. You take the opportunity, don’t you?

Being scared kicks in again though and hesitation is too close for comfort. Do you take a chance on what you could have against the security of what you do have? Or perhaps, what you thought you had? Trying to decide, you can drop enough f-bombs to be heard in another hemisphere.

The city had started to darken. Staring out across the impossibly quiet New York night, a decision was made. There was a moment when I was incredibly scared that I’d blow my chance because I was afraid. It was a lifechanger, it would undoubtedly alter the chessboard of a lot of other people’s lives in a big way too. It took a while to decide, fear had reared it’s ugly head again. Was that opportunity still there? It wasn’t impossible, but is was improbable. Thankfully, yes, it was. It’s not goodbye to the people that I’m leaving behind, but perhaps, but some things are better left unsaid. Just for now, not forever. Sometimes you have to break your own rules, sometimes you have to protect yourself.

We might hope or think that wherever we’re going isn’t as bad as where we’ve been. Many cities in the world are beautiful cities. Like many beauties though, they can be temperamental. Like everything else that frightened you when you were small, it’s okay to be scared of opportunities.

There’s so much out there that we’re missing out on. We shouldn’t miss out on anything, we’re here until we’re not. For me, it was a long time being who I wasn’t. Missing something isn’t a feeling that you have to fix, but what if you need or want to fix it? Especially if it’s yourself or something important to you.

I thought we were done with each other. We’re not. I thought that I wouldn’t see you again, but I will. We have history and now we have a future. I don’t have the slightest clue as to what I’m getting myself into, but I think that it’s going to be fun finding out. It’ll be an adventure and I’m not scared any more.

Nothing’s going to hurt me with my eyes shut.

@TheSamMcLeod