Cowardly shy.

Do you ever feel more vulnerable than you do when you’re not in control of things? Vulnerability sucks, none of us wants anyone in our world to discover that we’re not as strong as we’re making out to be. Just maybe though, once you’re able to get over your fears and insecurities and even embrace them, you realise that you can and will handle whatever has come at you. As contradictory as it seems, perhaps it’s something that can make us stronger. We either learn it ourselves or we’re taught from an early age to put on our game face, to head out into the world and hide our fears. If and when we do this, aren’t we finally realising that strength comes from what fear teaches us about overcoming our weaknesses, about what being a tiny bit emotionally broken means. What you tell yourself will either increase those feelings of vulnerability or be the words that encourage you to be stronger. Hope is precious.

When you hide those weaknesses though, no one would ever know that you’re waging a war with your feelings or that you’re scared about thinking that today might be the day when you just can’t go on. Sure, it blows when things aren’t even in the general ballpark of being okay, but sometimes you need to cry on the shoulder of someone you know and trust, and sometimes you just need to figure shit out for yourself, whatever works for you. Just a part of a personal growth process probably. Who knows, maybe you can be an inspiration to the people in your life when you show a side of yourself that you never expected you might have to. Tomorrow things could and likely will get harder, perhaps harder still the day after, but not every ending has to be the end of your world.

It can be a multitude of things, maybe it’s the end of something that tugs at your heartstrings every day. You have to at least try to keep going though, don’t you? The only one who can make you give up is yourself.

The thing is, everybody gives up sooner or later.

It should never have ended and I’m still confused as to why it did. Days, weeks, months, years of pain pass, of being afraid to open up to someone else. Off of the charts vulnerability wise, but a day needs to come when the need to open up to the possibility of someone new becomes a reality. That’s all it is though, a possibility. It’s not fair on anyone new if your mind is still wandering back to someone else. You can meet someone that splits your emotions though. Is it a bad idea, a good idea? When life is tough, when you feel beaten down and someone shows interest, you try and take pleasure where you find it, right? It’s okay for your heart to need a boost.

All of us want different things from people that might become a significant other, or who at least might become something. Looks, personality, being driven crazy by someone in a good way, a person who makes you not want a good feeling to wear off, someone to make your eyes smile. What you don’t need is someone who leads you on, it turns out that people can get to you emotionally and cause you to lose your usual objectivity.

She has a nice way with words, she’s pretty, any male would take a second glance. Toss in eyes that you could fall in love with and it became easy to be entranced. If only moving on was so easy. That said, things develop. It’s something in it’s infancy, so it’s emotional rather than physical. We talk most days, you don’t speak with someone that you don’t want to. Isn’t it true though that when any two people enter into something new, someone always falls quicker than the other?

The penny drops on a trip away, looking out at one of the most spectacular skylines in the world brings clarity. It’s not fair, for once I’m the one doing the leading. Those sudden chaotic feelings of confusion, the potential of something new doesn’t sit well, a realisation kicks in that it’s hard to feel anything when you’re certain that you have nothing left to give because you’re still stuck in the past. No point in telling a lie or kidding on, shouldn’t you go after what you truly want, even if it’s to finally end whatever it is that you find yourself in that moment? A call goes unanswered. Sending a message to end anything is fucking awful and it’s a horrible nerve to touch, but there’s no point in giving her the PG-13 version. The reply comes, job done.

Cold hearted? Definitely. The truth though? 100%. I fucked up royally from the beginning but I also knew deep down that it was never going to be a thing.

Countless beers follow and a Hong Kong sunset becomes a Hong Kong sunrise in what seems like minutes. All I know is that I’ve wasted time looking for something that I don’t deserve yet, that I’m not ready for. I don’t want it, it’s been a dick move from the start and I’m sorry. Things will work out one way or the other, just go for what or who you know really matters.

Hours pass and I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and not because a new girl was taking up the right side.

There’s always some relief in giving up, so there’s zero point in being afraid to miss out on what might be good to try and go for something that might be beyond great. It was never anything substantial but everyone deserves to be treated honestly. I didn’t mislead you on purpose, I just didn’t know that I wasn’t ready.

I want somebody else to be with you, I want somebody else to follow through.

I was in the wrong to even entertain the thought of you. Another sunset comes, I continue to feel bad and sleep doesn’t come easily. I’m wide awake, knowing I never miss you.

I should’ve said something at the start.

@TheSamMcLeod

@YouMeMusicLife

A dark world aches for a splash of the sun.

By their very nature, having problems is a problem. There has to be a solution to every one of those we have going on though, whether we realise it or not in that moment. Living life is a bit crazy sometimes, a bit shitty a lot of the time, fucking intolerable on occasion, even though you know intrinsically that you’re lucky to even be able to complain about it or them at all. Once you click , don’t you do what’s best to make things better for you, even if you can’t make them right? The sooner that you handle a problem, the better things work out is a common perception, but sometimes you just can’t face things.

Now and again, you just know that you need to take a break from everything you have going on because when you’re struggling to deal with your everyday scenery, all you want to do is run away. Drive until you run out of fuel, hire a motorcycle or camper van and see what stories you can experience from your escapades. Get on a bus, a plane, a train, just be somewhere different, not only geographically but also in your head. No matter how spectacular your view, if you see the same thing every day, it can grow stale. Depending on what you have going on, a solo trip ticks way more boxes than taking someone along for the ride, sometimes you just need to be alone with your thoughts, sometimes you just need to try and forget. Whatever it is, we all get the instinct to run sometimes, what’s wrong with disappearing like a magician’s rabbit when you need to? You find what works in terms of making you cope. Have a sore head? Aspirin should do the trick. That persistent cough that won’t go away? Cough syrup is a shout, although it won’t cure you, it’s just a temporary fix for your symptoms. When you’re hurting, you’d take a temporary fix, wouldn’t you? There’s nothing wrong with dropping off of the face of the earth for a while.

Maybe you just need to heal yourself, to restore life the way it should be.

A letter arrives but the handwriting on the envelope is unrecognisable. Inside, it’s typed, unsigned and once read, throws into question something that’s been the most important thing for nearly half of my life, it’s the emotional equivalent of a trip to an abbatoir. It’s maybe nothing, but it might be something. Outside the sky is clear, but there are storm clouds brewing. How many emotions can one person experience in a few seconds? Rage, heartache, anxiety, hatred, before rage again, something that should be an everyday dream is quickly becoming a nightmare. There are so many questions, but who likes questions without answers that don’t come. Until your head is straight, running your mouth without thought is never a good idea, sometimes you need to try and come to terms with things yourself first, and sometimes it’s what people don’t say that’s the most important. Trust has gone and vulnerability has popped up in it’s place, never nice for anyone to have to cope or deal with. It’s second nature to overthink things, paralysis by analysis almost. You’d be as well trying to grab a fistful of water when something floors you and you’re unable to keep your head right. There’s not enough oxygen in the world to make you feel better when you’re internally broken but are still trying to look okay on the outside.

Time for some metaphorical cough syrup.

Have you ever wanted to just rock up to an airport and get on the next available flight with no preconceived plans? What’s wrong with spending a night in one place, exploring and then heading to the airport to do it all again the next day? Travel can be a temporary fix, right? Amsterdam, Kos, London, the most overrated city in the world, but the rules are the rules. Bogotá, Washington DC follows, where next? Zero clue but that’s the beauty of this. Staring out of the window at the skyline searching for answers that won’t come is a bit of an emotional hangover. It feels good to stop hitting yourself in the head though, nothing positive comes from feeling like you’re sitting in a lifeboat in a sea of shit.

Running parallel to the Potomac brings clarity. The blackness is no longer quite as bad, it’s more of a grey now. My iPhone pings, a message arrives from an unknown number. ‘Did you get my letter, let’s talk if you want?’. Fuck, I’d like to tongue-bathe Anna Kendrick, so I guess we’re both going be disappointed. Why be anonymous in the first place?

You’ve fucked with me, so I’ll mess with you even worse once I figure out whatever the hell this is. You punch me, I’ll punch back way harder on any given weekday and all day on a Sunday. Just know that the same hammer that shatters glass forges steel.

The night comes, bourbon is poured and I listen to the sounds of the city whilst staring at the lights of the nation’s capital. Feet are put on imaginary brakes because it’s not time to go back and face whatever this is just yet.

It’s easy to look like someone who’s been worn down by the wind, but whilst you might not like the way your world works right now, you know that you’re not naive enough to think that you can change it all. Sometimes you just need to try though, if only for yourself. One more spoon of cough syrup.

@TheSamMcLeod

@YouMeMusicLife

Love is not designed for the cynical.

Everyone makes mistakes, just part of everyday life. Hopefully the majority of them are small and reasonably insignificant though, nobody wants to fuck up spectacularly. Sure, go ahead and try anchovies. You like oysters? Try the Rocky Mountain version, they have to taste similar to the ones you could get from Prince Edward Island, right? Choosing to sit through a showing of Titanic just to try and impress a girl? There are some hours and minutes right there in your life that you’re never getting back, especially if the old yawn and arm-stretch around the shoulder trick doesn’t work. Some mistakes are bigger and obviously impact your life in a much more meaningful way. Accepting a job that you realise was a mistake as soon as you start it, nightmare. Why did I choose to live in this apartment? You should always view somewhere at night too, shouldn’t you? Picking that one person to share your life with, maybe the toughest choice of all, and possibly the easiest one to make an absolute mess of.

Pretty grim when you think about it, but some of us get a lot of things right, anchovies excepted. Life rears it’s head once more, every single one of us struggles with different things now and again, aren’t we just a person trying to find acceptance and love about something or someone, trying to make sense of different things, probably to try and make ourselves feel better? Trying to move to a new place, changing that job, saying goodbye to someone, even when you know that it’ll sting. Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same.

It’s okay for your confidence to be dented when something ends though, especially if you weren’t 100% sure about it or them in the first place. Soul searching, trying to tell yourself that it’ll be okay, don’t tell me this is all for nothing.

Do you, or have you ever had someone in your life that if you could only see them one day a year, rather than see somebody else every day of the week, you’d choose the former? Aren’t the few hours you spend with that special someone worth the thousands of hours that you spend without them?

We were young, we lived hundreds of miles from each other. She was visiting family, a mutual friend introduced us, and it became the very definition of a summer romance. Eight magical weeks spent together, giggling, holding hands, hanging out, hugging, kissing, it might have been the best summer that any 17 year old has ever had.

What were the chances of seeing her again? Zero at the time or so it seemed, but all you can do sometimes is to try and better that number and then everything is out of your hands, fate kicks in. Apparently, a school of thought exists that missing someone gets easier every day because even you’re one day further from the last time you saw them, you’re one day closer to the next time you set eyes on them. Bullshit or not?

Christmas comes and she’s here again but things are different. There are hugs, but no holding of hands, no kissing. She has a boyfriend back home now so it’s the right way for her to behave and it’s immediately understood, no words are needed. Nothing better than hanging out with someone who’s quickly becoming a best friend, I’ll take what I can get. It turns out that distance means the square root of fuck all when someone means so much, even if it might not go anywhere. Different holidays come and go,and it’s accepted that if one of us is seeing someone when we catch up, nothing inappropriate happens. Kissing is as far as it’s ever gone but when someone wants to press their lips onto you one day and then do it again the next, how can that ever be bad? Could it be more than something? A question that was never asked, simply for the reason that I might have been scared of what the answer would be.

The holiday visits slowly come to an end and contact becomes infrequent. Days, weeks, months and years pass. She started seeing someone and I’d met an incredible girl who’d give me the best gift ever. We split, she moves onto someone so much better than me and they’re happy. Life again, live in the moment, not the past. What now, miss you or forget about you? Thoughts drift occasionally but only when single life is the reality. I meet someone else and it’s an on and off thing for longer than should ever be necessary for two people. She’s a beautiful person in her own way but it doesn’t take Einstein to work out where the mind goes when it’s an off period. It’s ultimately destructive, you can’t keep covering for someone when they’re in the wrong. Sometimes the people you count on and trust the most turn on you because of their own failings. Some secrets should stay hidden though, even if you’re the one that takes the shit for them. Every day is a school day though, but if all you learn is what’s done is done, then that’s enough. Does it help or hurt? Fuck knows, I’m numb. There is absolutely no harm in trying to constantly connect dots and to forgive someone to make things right. Can it be sorted, is that even what I want?

A message comes from the girl I remember as a teenager, and whilst my smile is huge initially, it’s not by the time I finish her words. She’s now single and is reaching out. Whether as a friend or something more is clear, but who wants to be a rebound?

It’s more than okay to hurt but don’t we all need to find our own little corner of the sky to try and repair ourselves first? Being a friend is the first job, sometimes we all need reminded that hard times will pass eventually. It’s hard not to make this anything more, but I can’t mess someone about, despite how much I want to say some things. Pouncing on someone who’s emotionally vulnerable would be a dick move.

Maybe the feeling of knowing that fighting for the one that you think you love is worth it, but how do you articulate your thoughts? A feeling lingers that there could be a million people against us, but when we have that one person that stands beside you no matter what, does you even care?

You’re hurting and I hate that. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you might think, but the most important thing is I’ll always be with you. It’s as simple and as complicated as that. Every time I get a text, I hope it’s from a certain someone, you’re my favourite notification.

It’s late, I’m in my bed, you’re in your bed. One of us is in the wrong place but I can’t tell you. I wrote some words and then I stared at my feet, became a coward when I needed to speak. Who knows what could happen if you ever ask again?

I see everything you can be, I see the beauty that you can’t see.

@TheSamMcLeod

@YouMeMusicLife

The debut album, ‘Without Fear’ drops on September 27th, available online and in all good music stores. Shit, it’s likely that you’ll be able to pick it up in some bad ones too, so go and get it!

The lessons.

Sir James Matthew Barrie, the creator of Peter Pan, or The Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up, had it spot on, ‘Once you’re grown up, you can’t come back.’ How long does it take for that to happen though and what occurs in our life in order to make it so? Some of us are wise beyond our years, whilst others never want to be older, and like most things, it’s different for each of us. Just the naïveté of youth, right?

Perhaps it’s when you have things in your life that you look back on and wish you could change. It could be nothing quite so important, sometimes it’s simpler stuff, having the courage to ask that one person that you’ve liked for a while to have dinner or drinks with you. Setting up standing orders for your outgoings, opening a savings account, moving out to live on your own for the first time, shit, it could be almost anything. One day realisation kicks in though and you know that despite all of the important decisions you’ve made before, a choice is going to come along that’s going to define everything that comes next for you.

It sucks, but maybe part of growing up is just taking what you learned from all of the bad things that went before, moving on and trying not to take them to heart. The good things you definitely want to keep on doing and experiencing, don’t we all believe that intrinsically we’re a good person? For a lot of our days, we’re young and irresponsible, but maybe that’s what growing up is, you eventually learn from your mistakes.

It’s more than okay to have mixed feelings about growing up, apparently it happens to everyone. Still, you should never stop having fun, to make yourself smile, it’s okay to fuck up now and again. Did you make mistakes when you were young? Absolutely, but haven’t you made just as many when you’re all grown up?

Growing up is never easy, you keep a hold onto things that were important but that you don’t really need any more. Your mind can wonder what’s to come, obviously there are going to be moments when everything is fine, and other moments where you know that there are some memories that you’ll never get back. Certain people in your life are never going to change, and the hardest part is knowing that there’s nothing you can do except watch them, unless you remove yourself from that situation. It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realise that people you’ve known forever don’t see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on, even if you don’t really want to.

The hurt is palpable when you have to leave someone behind but you can’t always get what you want or keep what you had. There’s that choice again but you know you have to make it but how can you both go on when they were everything?

How will you exist, how will I exist?

A day comes and we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what could be. Different days, new days, those days that are yet to come. It’s okay to forgive each other for growing up and recognising that we both need a change. Again, everyone’s different but how many of the people that you’ve been involved with romantically are you actually still friends with? It’d be like adding your captor on FaceBook once you were released after being kidnapped, fucking stupid idea.

It’s a change that involves thousands of miles, quite literally. We weren’t miles apart before but days later we were, not everything has a happy ending. Benjamin Franklin has been quoted as saying that ‘Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.’ What if only two people know the secret? If you do believe that you’re a good person, is learning when it’s better to lie to the people in your life, rather than to hurt everyone else with the truth not a good thing?

Growing up, peer pressure, and what people in your life want you to be and what you think you should do can be life enriching, but also a massive pain at times. It’s important to surround yourself around amazing people that actually love you for you. We all have flaws but if you fuck up, isn’t forgiveness one of the best attributes you can have? How many times has someone bumped into you in the street and you’ve apologised? I’ve lost count of the amount of doors that I’ve held for people who haven’t had the good grace to acknowledge even the tiniest act of kindness. As an aside, top tip gents, if you have to pull the door, the lady goes first, if you have to push it, you go first. You’re very welcome.

Time away, discovering new things, a new start sounds like a great plan. A new apartment, new experiences beyond the wildest of dreams, new friends, a new job, life couldn’t be better. There’s always a but though. Thing is, despite reaching what can be one of the highest points of in life, what happens when it’s hard not to feel alone, to know that you’ve lost everything? The only tattoo I have reads is, ‘Only one who has lost all has the freedom and the ability to gain everything.’ Time to take my own advice and leave all of the good stuff behind. A choice is made about trying to grow further, to face those demons, and the loved ones in life who have been failed by me as well as those who’ve failed me. Three plane flights are booked.

One of those plans was a good idea.

Maybe we all need to start accepting ourselves for who we are, and whoever is not going to accept us, weren’t really meant to be in our lives in any way whatsoever. The most important thing that I learned is forgiveness is something that when you’re able to finally wrap your head around, you free yourself to move on. All grown up now and I shouldn’t have come back, it’s time to leave again.

It’s a constant back and forth for a while with both enduring different experiences. Sure, it might be the same story, but it’s being read through opposite lenses. Whose ugly side is the ugliest? It doesn’t matter, both of us know.

@TheSamMcLeod

@YouMeMusicLife

Dance in the light of a lesson learned.

Bad things happen to us, good things happen to us, just the way it is. The same is true about people who come into your life, some you keep around and some you’re quick to let go of. Trust your judgement, hopefully you have things going your way more often than not, and you keep around the good folk who deserve to be in your life as a friend.

Now and again, someone comes along though who turns into something more. Somebody new is on your radar, you’ve noticed it and you start giving them some attention. Trust rears it’s head again, you dip your toe in the water if you’re sure that there might be something between you both, and if you’re lucky, that trust is mutual and perhaps something beautiful is just beginning.

Does it matter how long that something lasts? One night between two consenting adults can be mindblowing. It might just be random circumstance that brings you together but if you’re both single and want the same thing for that one night, then why not? Sure, there’s going to be more nights and days together with someone if you really like each other. You took the chance, they did too, now you’re sharing something together. What happens though if you misjudged yourself, what happens now?

Maybe when someone makes you a promise, they cross their fingers, hoping that they won’t let you down and think that makes everything okay. Just because something isn’t a lie does not mean that it isn’t deceptive. Perhaps the greatest distance between two people in any relationship is a misunderstanding about what the future holds. Not much else for it, the time has come to say goodbye.

Out into the unknown.

Aren’t most relationships onesided? Sometimes you’re the fish and sometimes you’re the fisherman, but when something ends it can still sting. It doesn’t matter who did and said what, the hurt will be real for a while but you get by, you move on. That said, is it okay to care for an ex, obviously not romantically, but as a person? They gave you happiness at some point in your past, so why should you hate them? We’re all different, so it’s fine if they don’t wish you the same. Maybe you don’t care what they think about you because you don’t think about them at all any more, you’ve moved on and a day comes when you’re happy again.

As soon as an ex sees you smiling though, isn’t that the moment they decide that they want you back? It can be a fucker of an emotional hot potato if they decide to get in touch again, what do you do?

One day a message arrives saying ‘I miss you’ from the girl who could have been an almost forever, a maybe forever, but she was definitely something. Was is the operative word. It’s okay to take a few days to think about what to respond with, if at all, but it’s nice to be polite. I know what those eight characters mean though, it’s just that the next person she replaced me with didn’t work out. When looking back at your history with someone and you know that they don’t do anything for you any more, you’re probably doing something right for yourself. If someone did something bad enough to make you have them not be in your life, you back your trust the second time not to be stupid enough to let them in again. Fool me once and all that. Getting with an ex would be like taking your driving test when you already have your licence. Pointless, stupid, a waste of time and effort.

Messages continue to follow and it’s clear that she wants something more than I’m ever going to give. It’s probably a dick move to reply at all but the replies are completely vanilla, hopefully the hint gets taken. Just because someone hurt you once, it doesn’t mean that hurting them back unnecessarily will do you good or make you feel better. The best idea is to probably try and forget the person who forgot about you, even if they tell you ‘I love you because I need you.’ What a shit and selfish phrase. I need you because I love you sounds infinitely better, doesn’t it?

You’re my ex. Ask me as many questions as you want but I no longer owe you any answers. Don’t worry if I’m with anyone else now or not, all you need to know is that it won’t ever be you. Everyone deserves to move on and find someone that makes them happy, good luck with everything to you, to all of us. We’re not enemies, not friends, now we’re just strangers with some memories.

It’s time for moving on, there’s some things you can’t forget.

@TheSamMcLeod

@YouMeMusicLife

Whispers in the night-time.

Many of us are used to having control in every aspect of our lives, unless we’re married because we all know who’s in charge then. In all seriousness though, you decide how your life goes every day, don’t you? You choose the clothes that you wear, what you eat, what you do on the weekend, red, white or no wine with dinner, no one picks rose, the television shows you watch, what time you head for bed. Life can seem pretty simple usually but now and again, it’s the most difficult thing for any of us to deal with.

It turns out that sometimes we all have things in our personal lives that we can’t control. It’s tough and definitely has a negative effect and impact on all of us. Maybe how much depends on each of us as individuals and the coping mechanisms that we’ve developed. That’s assuming that we’ve even managed to find anything at all to make the darkness a little bit lighter. It’s easy to go off the rails, you can be resilient but when something or some things happen that you didn’t expect, it might click suddenly that you’re only human after all. Control has left for a little while but you need to try and wrestle it back, right? What do you do though? Bottling things up can never be a good thing, but it can be the easiest thing. Everyone gets advised or told to speak out, to ask for help but no one wants to show that they’re vulnerable, no one wants to feel like their soul is turning itself inside out. Misguided or not, perhaps it’s just pride, it’s a hell of a thing.

Male pride, whether male or female, we’ve all experienced it. As a man, when you realise that a part of you is broken, the last thing that you want to do is tell someone that you’re not who they thought you are, at least not right now anyway. It’s more than okay to be hesitant at first, but asking for help will be your most important first step. Mental illness is something that’s often not visible to everyone else in your world. It’s going to be one fucker of a journey with countless ups and downs and finding comfort or resetting yourself can be a constant process.

Imagine that you’re holding onto two bottles, you drop them on the floor, what happens? They both break, don’t they? Thing is, it’s how they break that’s important. While one bottle crumples into a pile of glass, the other shatters into a jagged edge weapon. We all break sometimes, but we don’t all break the same. You have to take a shot though before it’s too late. Thing is, a shot at the buzzer only counts if you drain it. Take the shot. if anyone in your life thinks any less of you for daring to reach out, then are they worth having around?

Just maybe though, everything’s going to be okay.

Different things can make your head and your heart hurt. It’s often said but everyone is going through some sort of personal battle that no one else knows about. If you think one day or in that one moment that someone close to you might be hurting, can it ever be a bad thing to try and reach out? Sometimes questions are scarier than answers, but you’d rather know than not, wouldn’t you?

A question is asked about the most important person on the planet. This one amazing human being doesn’t get told the truth about the question and it hurts like fuck when I find out. The relationship is gone and it seems like there isn’t anything that can be done about it. One person’s perception is their reality, despite what the truth might be. Life feels like a daydream.

How do you try and get through your days, weeks and months when someone thinks that you’ve caused them pain?

Self pity is never a good thing. Closing everyone out in your world out can never be healthy but that’s what happens. The curtains stay drawn, social invitations are politely declined, sometimes even ignored. Everyone knows that something is wrong but no one wants to stick their head above the parapet and find out what the deal is. It’s fine, again, we’re all human.

Trying to take control, but I don’t know how to. A day comes though and it’s fine to realise that whilst you maybe don’t want to expose your frailties to your friends, it’s easier to do so to a stranger. Help is fine, isn’t it? Tears? A shit ton of them but it’s okay to be told that it might be okay, no judgements are made. Opening up to someone will be the best thing you can do, who wants to be in the backseat of their own life?

I don’t want to be sad any more. I just want to wake up and realise that everything’s going to be okay.

All proceeds from this song will be donated to various mental health organisations across the world that work to help destigmatise mental health issues, please go and buy it if you feel like you want or are able to help.

For those of us who are experiencing crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.

If you’re in the UK, please call the Samaritans on 116123, at any time, day or night, free of charge.

http://sadforever.lauvsongs.com

@TheSamMcLeod

@YouMeMusicLife

Late night, red wine and you.

Now and again we get let down or disappointed by the people that we trust the most. It sucks balls, no one likes getting their heart hurt, but if we’re all honest with ourselves, each of us can all do the same to other people, none of us are perfect. Maybe everyone of us betrays or hurts someone in our lives at some point.

When you’ve been fucked over in a past relationship, It can be difficult to let people in, old or new, but you need to eventually, right? Alone time is great but there will be moments when you want to surround yourself with friends, they’ll reset your sense of wellbeing, won’t they? Maybe just spending time with one friend, it’s always cool to hang out with people you care about. Perhaps it’s someone that enters your life who ends up becoming more than just a friend, the start of anything new can be exciting. If you can’t get someone out of your head, it probably means that they’re supposed to be there. You might meet that someone in a variety of different ways, a bar, a club, a restaurant, through friends, online, the opportunities are almost endless. The problem is though, that sometimes, you can trust your trust but occasionally you spectacularly misjudge things. It’s the old saying, if something looks too good to be true, then it probably is.

One night a whole lot of trouble arrives and sometimes it’s difficult not to be curious, especially after a glass of vino. Or three.

Late night, glazed eyes, we all lose our minds.

She’s incredibly pretty, someone is punching way above their weight, why would she even be in touch? It’s ridiculous that she’d even glance more than once but it’s okay to be intrigued by someone new, especially if you’re still a tiny bit vulnerable about everything that’s gone before. Is it a joke, a trick? Maybe we’re never tricked; we just trick ourselves into believing in something or someone. What’s the worst that could happen?

Things progress. We like a lot of the same things but don’t agree on others. Sports teams, music choices, television shows, some good, some bad. Who wants to be with someone who likes all of the similar stuff that they do, sounds boring, doesn’t it? She’s different, a little bit of feistiness can never be a bad thing, playful arguments are fun.

Things progress some more, and she drops the twelfth letter of the alphabet one night. That word always makes you stop and think, doesn’t it? It’s easy to believe that we’re all complicated because we’re all tangled up in our own lives and relationships, but we all have choices. We’re all wired to want answers from who we choose to spend time with. Fix what you can if you want to, stay or go, be honest or lie, say the word back or not. Eleven letters that should not be tossed around easily. You don’t need to say them back immediately just to show that you’re invested in whatever you’ve got going on, but it seems that if you’re not quite ready to open up emotionally, not all of us are happy about it.

The dynamic has changed and it takes a while but one day the penny drops. None of this was ever given a status or a tag, but if there’s someone in the background that you didn’t know about, and are only just finding out about, then it’s definitely not going to work. Questions are asked but no answers are given. It turns out that there’s deception in silence.

Leading someone on is never right, why would you mislead someone just because you’re bored with whoever it is that you’re with right now? If you don’t like him or her, don’t you just end things? Why try and pursue something with someone else if you’re already in a relationship or even living with someone? What’s the point in playing with someone else’s feelings just because you’re not quite sure what your own are? Maybe the difference between a girl who wants to be with you and who doesn’t, is one that will always tell you the truth. A little fib now and again is okay, it’s fine to pretend to like each other’s parents. For someone to think that your signature dish is excellent, when in fact, it tastes like shit. It’s okay to say that you like my t-shirt even when you don’t. Does your ass look big? That’s a whole other minefield, but obviously the answer is no.

Don’t lead anyone on. If you think even a tiny bit that you don’t want someone, then that’s cool, go and do your own thing and they’ll do what they need to do. Don’t feel sorry, maybe it’s just modern love. Oscar Wilde probably said it best, ‘Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.’ Pretty cynical, don’t we all hope for something more?

Did it hurt to let go? Fucking right, but it hurt more to try and hold on. Any time we have options, we’re in a position of privilege but it sure doesn’t feel like that right now.

Is this modern love? If it is, who wants any part of it?

You fucked up, it wasn’t me, we both know it. It only takes one word, five letters, to make things okay again between us but it’ll never be what it was. It’s up to you if you want anything from this.

Tell me you’re sorry so we can maybe move on.

@TheSamMcLeod

@YouMeMusicLife