In the heat of the moment.

You can find almost anyone that you can do everything with, but don’t you want to find someone that you can do nothing with? It’s easy to look at someone and know that you like them aesthetically, but doesn’t happiness come from something more than sexual chemistry?

We all know that you don’t need a certain other to make you happy, but it’s pretty cool when that new person comes along. Perhaps relationships are like arriving in a new city, when you explore, you find out more about yourself, you wander the streets with absolutely no idea about where you’ll end up. Sure, you love arriving, but one day it’ll have to come to an end and you’ll need to leave. Won’t you?

When you meet someone new and assuming that you really like them and don’t want to ever leave, you make promises to them, even if you don’t articulate your thoughts. Compliment them, treat them well, definitely no cheating, hopefully love follows. If they’re thinking the same things, then you’re set for life, right? You might look back later and realise that the greatest moments of your life will be those times when you went all in. Keep your promises, no need to put your hand on a metaphorical bible, but you know what you need to do. Promises are like crying babies in a cinema, they should be carried out immediately. It’s more than likely complete fantasy, but try and keep every promise that you make and only make those promises that you can keep would be a nice idea, wouldn’t it? At some point, don’t all of us want to be knocking on a very particular door? Some of us don’t take the time to appreciate the promises we’re making when we make them because none of us are infallible, it’s okay to fuck up now and again. It turns out that it’s not always easy to know a false promise from a true one. Stubbornness is in all of us at varying levels, but don’t we need to have the heart to say sorry when we’ve messed up? Maybe you’re never too old to be easily fooled, you can love someone but not yet learn about them.

You should have said sorry and it would have been okay. Four consonants and a vowel, just one word. Now?

Can’t sleep, can’t eat, my mind’s a mess.

I was lonely but it was more than okay, because I like myself and my own company, and I didn’t need anyone, or at least I thought I didn’t. But then you came along, sparking something inside me like a forest fire. Things progress, promises are made, they’re said out loud to each other. Trips away, sneaked kisses in public, holding hands. Knowing glances, little winks, hugs, high fives, it’s beyond awesome to have a new best friend.

You messed up and you lied though, you broke your promises.

It only needed one word and it would have been okay again. It makes my heart hurt now when I remember all of those beautiful words that you said. I’m sitting here alone and it’s tough to breathe, because tears are falling from my eyes and they won’t stop. Despite them, I know that I need to keep try and build myself back up every day, tough as it might be, no one wants to be sitting for hours on the floor of the shower anymore. You need to know that you broke me that day, despite kissing me that morning as if you’d never done it before, and never would again. I’ve composed hundreds of messages to you, then I’ve hit the delete button. I’ve then tried to write more words that I’ll never be able to send. What does it matter now?

Time to leave for a while and try and ponder everything, to try and understand why you did what you did.

The stars are out and I wander these streets in a new city alone, thinking of all the memories that I want to still cling to. Every day, every kiss, night spent together is imprinted on my brain. Someone should have told me to try and capture every second, but it was too easy to get caught up in what was supposed to be an adventure starring two people. Fucking promises, it turns out that words can be twisted into any shape that someone wants them to be.

We could have been so amazing. Going to sleep beside you, waking up next to you, morning coffee, afternoon naps together at the weekend, late dinners, wandering through our city, through different cities holding hands, we could have been happy for the rest of forever together. Forever ever. Forever ever ever.

It’s late at night and it seems like no one else is awake. Staring at an impossibly beautiful view that you should be sharing, it dawns on me. I’m not your fault, you are your own fault, and despite everything, that makes me sad. For both of us.

I made a promise, you made a promise.

You said you’d be there through thick and thin.

@TheSamMcLeod

Here comes the breath.

Things used to be so much easier when we were young, weren’t they? You dreamt dreams, you had hopes and fears, without knowing why or being able to understand them properly. It’s never easy to try and comprehend all of the things it takes to grow up in a world that we didn’t really understand, that we might not ever truly know. Growing up happens quicker than we’d like, but the memories of being a child stay with us for a long time. It’s easy for us to hold on to things that were, but still wonder about what’s to come. There are moments when everything is fine, and other moments where you realise that there are certain memories that you’ll never get back. People, stuff and things are going to change as you get older, is the hardest part knowing that there’s nothing you can do except watch on? We’re all curious when we’re young, we continually ask questions. Does that change as we get older, don’t we still need to ask things, some questions are more important than others?

How good were the times before there were any complicated relationships, drama, or heartbreak? A time when we got closer with someone just by holding hands or talking all night on the phone about anything and everything. A time that was amazing, and yet impossible to return to. Young love, your heart bouncing around like a lottery ball. The innocence of something, when you’re not sure if it meant anything. Living off of the fumes of just liking someone and it didn’t matter if they knew, but you were happy, yet too scared to ask the question that you know you should have. Maybe it’s the anticipation of something happening that was exciting, perhaps it’s the ambiguity of not knowing what will come to pass. You can’t control everything that happens though, just part of life. You’ll mess a lot of things up, but If you’re going to fuck things up, is it better to do it whilst you’re young? Maybe the older you get, the harder it becomes to recover. Who wants to grow up? If there’s a tree, I might want to climb it. If a football comes near me whilst out running or walking, you better believe that it’s getting fucking booted as hard as possible. It’s okay to be a kid at times.

‘I don’t get upset over things I can’t control because if I can’t control them, there’s no use getting upset. And I don’t get upset over the things I can control, because if I can control them, there’s no use in getting upset.’ A famous quote from an ex New York Yan***s player hits the nail on the head. We can’t control everything, easier said than done. You still need to try though, and part of that process is asking questions that you might find difficult. Just growing up, right? An evening comes, bourbon is poured and it’s time to think.

The lights are off and the sun is finally setting.

Do you ever feel like that your drowning in the words that you’ve never said? It’s hard to grow up, to ask the question you should, to tell someone that you like them because you’re too afraid of what might happen if they say no. Time to grow up? When you get older and you start to doubt yourself and you have you that insecurity about someone saying no, they almost become unattainable, it’s almost that feeling you get when you realise that there is someone you like. Too pretty, out of reach?

If you have any sense of moral fibre, then you know that things with someone new can only happen when you know that it’s done with the person before. Sure, it fucking hurts, but reality kicks in and you realise that you need to be kind to yourself. You loved them, you maybe always will, despite everything, but whilst that love lingers, it’s okay to say goodbye. That night, I finally think I know that we know that it’s time to let go of what could have had been, and look ahead to what might be coming. For both of us. How early is too early to move on? A month, a year? Fucking feelings, there are a shit ton of tears, who wants to move on from the person that they thought they would be with forever? The truth is lurking under the surface and my own conscience is waiting to blow up in my face unless I pluck up the courage. Ask or not, toss a coin? Heads or tails, how do you know until the coin lands?

More bourbon, probably not a good idea. Yes or no, literally a night spent on the window ledge staring outside at the night. Talk myself down or not? Dare I ask, how do I find out?

The night sky is changing overhead.

All I want to know is, can you…..

@TheSamMcLeod
@YouMeMusicLife

In my head, in my heart, in my soul.

A lot of us have a daily routine, dropping the kids off at school, picking them up, telling your other half that you love them, preparing dinner. Everything in your life can be normal, there’s nothing wrong with that. You’ll have some things that’ll come along too which will take you out of your comfort zone and that’s a cool thing. We’ll all have some days, nights and moments that we’ll remember for the rest of our lives when those chances present themselves, but you can make your own moments too, right? Travel, random acts of impulse, some family and friend things, we can all choose the things that we want to do. It’s great to say yes to things, but it’s entirely your prerogative to say no to others. It’s your life, you choose how you want to live it. When you’re old, don’t you want to look back on your life and recall all the memories that you cherished? That you still cherish.

The thought of getting old gets to all of us at some point. We all know that we’re going to die, it’s hardly breaking news. Perhaps Jhonen Vasquez articulates it better than most, “Nothing quite brings out the zest for life in a person like the thought of their impending death.” If you’ve made sure you’re exactly the person that you hoped you would be, then maybe you’d care a little bit less if you died tomorrow. If you’re going to die young, is it better to make that as late as possible? How do you want your world to end? Better with a bang, rather than a whimper surely.

A day will come when time and life shake hands and say goodbye to each other.

When you get told that when that day is likely to come, one of the last things that you need to be facing is an ordeal worse than the one you’ve just learned about, far less eight ordeals. Bang over whimper though, remember? Take a moment to think and then decide on the journey you want to take with the days you have left. It’s going to be a tough flight home, hard to tell people what’s happening, but it needs to be done. Sometimes it’s the silliest things that make you think. A remake of Point Break is watched on the plane and it’s surprisingly decent. If you’ve seen the film, you might have clicked that the Ozaki 8 is entirely fictitious, although the ideas behind it are real. Something clicks, a decision is made, eight choices/ordeals are chosen.

Ordeal 1 – Emerging Force (Dangerous Rapids)
Ordeal 2 – Birth of Sky (Mountain BASE Jump)
Ordeal 3 – Awakening Earth (Sky-to-Earth BASE Jump)
Ordeal 4 – Life of Water (Surf a 60+ Foot Wave)
Ordeal 5 – Life of Wind (Wingsuit Flight)
Ordeal 6 – Life of Ice (Snowboard an Unridden Line)
Ordeal 7 – Master of Six Lives (Climb a Cliff Face With No Safety Gear)
Ordeal 8 – Act of Ultimate Trust (Put Your Life in The Earth’s Hands)

Numero uno, kayak the Inga Rapids on the River Congo, the deadliest and largest rapids on the planet. Less than half the people who attempt it make it out alive, the odds are not good to make it onto the second one. Assuming all goes okay, mountains will quite literally be on the horizon. Base jump from the highest point off of one of the tallest mountains on the planet, seems a bit easier. Who doesn’t want to scale Mount Kilimanjaro? The bonus is that it’ll be quicker heading down than going up. Number three could be the end. Skydive from an airplane into the Cave of Swallows, the world’s deepest natural cave shaft in San Luis Potosí, Mexico. The Empire State building could easily fit inside it, no pressure. Maybe a whimper would be a better idea. Four and five sound more than achievable. Nazaré on Portugal’s Silver Coast for some surfing and then onto Switzerland, one of the world’s best wingsuit destinations. Snowboard an unridden trail? Heading for a spot few people have ridden, where to go? Fjörðum in Iceland, Skeena Mountains in British Columbia, Gangkhar Peunsum in Bhutan, the world’s highest unclimbed peak. Good to have choices, I guess. All being well, six down, two to go. Do a Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible 2 and head for Utah’s jagged Dead Horse Point? The Eiger, El Capitan in Yosemite or Mount Asgard in Nunavut. Ultimate trust, something we’d all like to have about everyone and everything in our lives, so if number eight makes it onto the horizon, then why not go big? The highest recorded cliff jump in history is a touch under 60 metres, just under 200 feet. Standing atop a cliff, stretching your arms out, staring down, and jumping off from hundreds of feet into the water below has to be epic, I guess there’s a reason it’s called tombstoning. Greece, Hawaii, Vermont, all good options. Might as well go out in style though, Angel Falls in Venezuela ticks the boxes. Home to the highest uninterrupted waterfall in the world, more than 16 times the height of the current world record height. Fuck it, why not?

Failure or success, everything remains exactly the way that it was, I’m me and you’re still you. Whatever we were to each other, nothing has changed. No one needs to be out of mind because they’re out of sight. A moment will happen one day and all will be as it was before.

It’s okay to accept that the earth folded in on itself.

@TheSamMcLeod
@YouMeMusicLife

Wasting words on lower cases and capitals.

Every one of us has had a secret or secrets at some point, right? If someone trusts you enough to let you in on something they want kept private, then you can take it one of two ways. Be humbled that they trust you enough, or be angry that they’ve asked you to keep something to yourself that no one else can ever find out. Maybe the best way of keeping one is to pretend that there isn’t anything you need to keep to yourself? Let’s face it, with secrets, there are the ones you want to try and keep, and the ones that you don’t dare tell anyone. Sharing secrets with even one other person, will change the whole dynamic of the relationship. Every day we make decisions. Get married, don’t get married, take this job or don’t take this job, go left or go right, and at the time, they don’t seem like they matter, but they do. Same with secrets, what to do? Keep the blood in your head, and keep your feet on the ground.

We kept it safe and slow.

Working in executive search, a lot of the job involves client networking. Telephone calls, regular email contact, catching up for coffee now and again, corporate dinners. Sometimes work can be just like your personal life, you develop relationships with people, some you’re in touch with more than with others. Just a natural thing, whilst appreciating the need for being careful to embrace everyone on a professional basis, you know that you’re going to enjoy the company of a few, rather than the many, when those relationships progress onto something on a personal level. It doesn’t mean you need to be boyfriend and girlfriend, friendship is more than okay.

There’s a girl, we get introduced by a mutual contact and we catch up regularly. Every time I call her, I have to go through her personal assistant. It’s cool, I’ve not met her yet, but she’s super nice, super professional and her boss tells me that she’s amazing. The aforementioned calls, emails, dinners all happen regularly, purely professionally, all perfectly arranged by her PA. A friendship develops, we start to talk more about things happening in our personal lives over random coffees, it’s always nice to get a different perspective on things that you have going on. When she finds out I’m single, she teasingly says that setting me up with her PA would be a good idea, but the thought of mixing work and pleasure doesn’t appeal, so with a smile, I politely decline.

Is it a good idea to say no, will I still be okay with it later or will I regret it? Regret is a funny thing, something that you either have to let go of or decide to live with, it’s a decision only you can make. As few regrets as possible in our lives would be great for all of us. Sometimes part of regret is about the one that got away, the one you can’t quite forget.

A call comes in one late evening and I recognise the number. It looks like more work might be coming my way, but it’s not who I thought it was though, it’s the PA who wants to meet to meet and to talk about herself rather than her company. No problem, just another tiny secret that I won’t share with anyone else. Coffee is arranged, we agree to meet outside at a specified time, remember we don’t know what each other looks like.

We meet, a hug and a cheek kiss is exchanged, before coffees are ordered. What should be no more than a twenty minute meeting turns into two hours. Once her work advice is given, we speak about music, travel, a multitude of things. Hands down, she knows about and likes as much of the same things as I do, more so than any girl that I’ve ever met. Maybe her boss is a clever lady after all. She throws into the mix that her boss likes me in more than a professional capacity. We giggle at the thought, smile a lot and my mind wanders, this wasn’t what was expected. A goodbye and a hug follows, she heads in one direction and I head in another.

A couple of days later, a thank you card follows, a lovely touch. An acknowledgement message is sent to say how kind that was. Text messages are exchanged, and a friendship evolves, although we don’t meet up.

I don’t realise that she lives near me, although she knows where I stay after spotting me heading into my building after work one night. It’s late on a Friday, a text arrives and she says she has a bottle of wine, would I like to share? Who doesn’t like wine? The intercom goes, she climbs to the top floor and makes her way along the corridor. I see her coming as I look through the spyhole and open the door. We look at each other, dead in the eyes and we kiss before the door has even closed. The wine is left untouched. She doesn’t stay, I sleep alone, not my choice. I get told that this is nothing more than a one-off and that I need to hide this meeting from everyone, especially her boss. Just another secret to keep.

The pattern repeats itself though. A text comes, kisses happen, no wine gets touched and she never stays over. Developing relationships is easier at work than it is now. Maybe I’m not for her? We all want to swing for the fences, but don’t we need to be able to read the pitch first?

Her work circumstances change and she relocates, good news for her, bad news for someone else. Damn me for giving such good fucking advice!

Months pass, I start seeing someone, but I know it’s not right and on a night out, I know that I need to tell her, it’s only fair. We’re in a club, my iPhone pings and guess who it is? She’s back in the city and is at a bar next door. Whilst I really want to go and see her, it wouldn’t be cool. I say the words I need to say though and I head home alone.

Have you gone and done something you really shouldn’t have? Home wasn’t the right option, once I did what I needed to do. I wanted to be in that bar. If an artist signs a painting, it’s not because he’s only going to paint once. If we kiss, it’s not because I only want to kiss you once, twice or three times.

I send a message later, but the response comes the day after, containing just seven words. Maybe in another time or another place. I’ve missed my chance. Again. For all of us, think about the words you think but never say.

You hurried up and lost me, hurry up and find me again.

Perhaps it was never meant to be, neither of us told the other about what we expected from whatever this was.

Neither clear nor descript.

@TheSamMcLeod
@YouMeMusicLife

Let the lightning guide you.

‘All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.’

Not just the words of the next tattoo, but consonants and vowels that some of us might choose to try and live a tiny part of our lives by. It’s more than okay to dream about the things that we want to achieve, the things that we want to do, we all have them on some sort of level. Sure, chances are that not all of our dreams will come true, but don’t we need to try and make them happen? Depending on what they are, you know that they’ll take patience, a shit ton of hard work and and every single time, you’ll need to be answering the questions that are going to be asked of you. Whilst that can be tough, you might as well enjoy the journey, right? It’s entirely possible to overthink the questions that might come at you tomorrow, but what if you dream about tomorrow’s answers today? Daydreaming is always allowed. It’s cool to lose yourself in a world of daydreams that excite you, to imagine your life situation changing in a way that will make you feel better every single day. Everyone can choose which research to believe in terms of what we read or hear, but it’s widely believed that our average daydreams are about fifteen seconds long and that we have a couple of thousand of them every day. Can it really be right that we spend a big chunk of our time being awake thinking of things that for now are just fantasy? It’s always good to embrace the idea of there being something more in the world for all of us, for everyone else that you care about.

Some of us live in a dream world every day, some of us don’t; and then maybe there are those of us who fuse both together. When something that you’ve dreamed about forever, finally looks like it might be coming true, it’s difficult not to be scared. Are you breathing half the time?

I’m in a city that I thought I’d never be in and I’m alone. It’s a choice and I’m more than comfortable with it, but the realisation sets in that it might be nice if someone else could see the things that I’m seeing. You can share photos on a variety of social media sites, but it’s the experience with someone being with you that makes the experience. It’s cool to be here, and whilst the scenery is spectacular, it’s tough not to have thoughts drifting to somewhere else, to someone else. Daydreaming. Still, no point feeling sorry for yourself, if you’re going to take a trip, then you might as well do all of the things that you want to. You try and enjoy decent cuisine at home, so you make sure that you try and find places that you might like to eat at when you’re away. The city, shit, the country is renowned for beer, so you partake. It would be rude not to, when in Rome. Just a saying, not my current location.

Beer al fresco, with a view that is absolutely bonkers. I do the tourist thing, I take a picture and send it to a good friend. My mobile rings. It turns out that the locals aren’t massively impressed by the sound of Right Above It by Lil Wayne blaring into their quietness, and whilst I’m apologetic, it’s no worse than the generic Apple or Nokia rings. Suck it up people, have you never watched Ballers? Plus, we’re outside. Anyway, I’m daydreaming and the call sparks me back to life.

Thing is though, the call is about one of the dreams that I’ve had. Unfortunately, it’s not Anna Kendrick calling trying to take me out on a dinner date, but it’s nearly as good. That’s actually a lie, it’s nowhere near as good. What it is though, is a chance to go and live in a city where I want to be, doing a job that I love. Maybe it won’t be a dream any more. Are there hurdles to cross? Yep, but my thoughts can turn once again to the people and the things that I’ve been dreaming about.

A daydream in your head is just that and it will only ever be that until you actually achieve it, until you do it. So do it. Time to step outside, time to step out? Go for it, leave it all behind you.

@TheSamMcLeod
@YouMeMusicLife

Get up off your knees.

One of the most difficult aspects of growing as a person is learning how to forgive yourself after you’ve fucked something up, if you’ve made a mistake. What if you don’t even know that you’ve made one though? It’s entirely possible that you didn’t think you did anything wrong, but if someone important to you thinks that you’ve let them down, then they’re right, their perception is their reality.

We’re all human, bound to mess up now and again, even if we don’t realise it at the time. When you’ve inflicted hurt upon someone, forgiving yourself can prove to be the difficult part, it’s easy to keep telling yourself that you’re nothing but a social hand grenade. Even when you finally find out that you did something that caused them some pain, or if you’ve been forgiven, it’s tough to not to examine where you went wrong. Making mistakes, taking risks, even accidentally, no other way to live, right? We all get up in the morning, we all step out of our front door at the start of each new day, learning is important, don’t we all want to be a better person every day? It’s tough when clearly something has happened though and you’re left in the dark. If the dynamic has changed and you don’t know why, and they don’t tell you why, what can you do? You can ask the question, but if they’re less than forthcoming, then all you can do is hazard a guess. Sometimes shit just falls out of the sky for you. Nothing else to do but focus on yourself, try and get through each day and be done with it. If you’ve said sorry for whatever it is that you’ve made a mess of, then you’ve done all that you could. Fuck, you can say sorry and not even know why, some people are just polite. Tomorrow is a new day, and although it’s easier said than done, there’s no point in continuing to worry about something that you can’t fix. Zero point in taking yourself out at the knees before you’ve even learned to walk in any given relationship.

On the flip side, perhaps it’s much easier to forgive than to say sorry; maybe it’s something we learn as a child. As we all get older, we realise when people hurt us, it’s not always a reflection on us, it’s more to do with their flaws and insecurities. There will be good times and bad times, and maybe you shouldn’t want it any other way. Still learning. If that someone doesn’t want to tell you where you’ve gone wrong, then saying sorry and forgiving them for their silence is the way to go. Holding grudges is bad for the heart, the mind and the soul.

Let’s be honest, no matter what you’ve done, you’re never beyond redemption and if you can see that, fuck it if someone thinks that they’re so perfect that they can’t front up or think that they’ve never made a mess of things.

It’s normal human behaviour that when people are hurting inside, they believe that no one else in the history of the world has been hurt as much as them. It’s tough to say, but none of us are that special. Everyone messes up sometimes, and you don’t have the monopoly on feeling hurt or let down. If someone saying sorry isn’t enough, then it says more about you than it does about the other person. No one wants to be in the ‘friend’ column, rather than the ‘I love you’ column, but what’s the point in hanging on for someone who won’t be honest with you.

Friends are always important, especially when it comes to needing advice. As is the case with all people you have in your life, some will tell you what you want to hear, but some will be brutally honest. Let her go or try and resurrect things, what to do?

They say let you go, but I want you back.

From thinking about her every day, she’s gone to crossing my mind less and less. Days and weeks pass when I don’t think about her at all. It’s no reflection on her, we’re just not in contact. Sure, she’s missed, but again, what’s the point in thinking about something that you can’t fix.

I have to travel to discuss a potentially life-changing work opportunity. As beautiful and big a city as this is, it’s a small world. I think I see her, but it can’t possibly be her, guess she has a doppelgänger, maybe we all do. It’s the first time I’ve thought about her in what seems like forever. Still shaking my head at the coincidence, I walk into a store and a song comes on shuffle that reminds me of her, iTunes has that way of messing with you at times, doesn’t it? Still listening to that song, I can’t bring myself to skip it, so I check my emails whilst browsing stuff that I don’t need. A note is there, but at least I finally know why we’ll not be anything. Autocorrect on a message changed ‘wasn’t’ to ‘was’ and it altered the entire context of the conversation.

It’s innocent, but she made a choice to not query it initially and not let me know why she was confused. It hurt then, but now it’s okay. It’s been said before but it’s fine to say again, there’s nothing wrong with being humble.

Girl, I’m sorry I let you down, so stupid that I messed up.

@TheSamMcLeod
@YouMeMusicLife

I fucked it up again.

How do you define character? Doing something that you don’t want to do but deep down knowing that you should? Standing up for, or protecting someone close to you regardless of what they’ve done? Just be trying to be a good person, full of compassion and love for anything and everything around you? Choosing to be as good as you can be from the moment that you step out of bed? Sure, we all control our own choices, but sometimes someone might throw you a curveball, they need you to keep a secret for them. People are entitled to their secrets, but is it selfish of them to decide to share those with you, especially if they know that it’s going to have an impact on your life? What if it’s a secret that affects two of the most important people you know? One of them has confided in you, whilst the other person has no idea about any of it. It’s not always easy to decide what the right thing to do is, but is keeping secrets the equivalent to lying? It’s probably right that the best way to keep a secret is to pretend that it doesn’t exist. Easier said than done. Anyone who’s ever been entrusted with a big secret and who struggles to keep it, knows exactly what that feels like.

All of us are blessed with free will though, you can choose to decide between saying nothing or saying something. The moment you share a secret however, you’ve lost all semblance of control with it. Keeping the secret that now belongs to you and maintaining your silence is probably the best way to go, right? Maybe it’s about not being owned by someone else’s secret that’s the easiest way to cope with someone messing with your conscience, your moral compass.

If I’ve learned anything about women, and I probably haven’t, it’s that pride and stubborness have a way of warping men’s thinking, whereas perhaps the ladies in all of our lives, can manage to be a bit more composed when it comes to making a decision. Girls seem to have that ability to always find the right words. I don’t know whether to speak up or hold my tongue, there’s going to be consequences either way.

I can read between the lines, I want to run from everything.

Moving to live and work in a new city and country is exciting, everything is an adventure, the newness of it all is intoxicating. Meeting new people, experiencing a different lifestyle. Discovering new hobbies, finding a local watering hole for those after work drinks, travelling and seeing places that you never thought you’d see in your entire life, pretty damn cool. It turns out though, that it doesn’t matter how old you are, you can still get homesick. Whilst you’re forging a new life for yourself, it’s easy to be a tiny bit sad from time to time. Thoughts turn to the people that I’ve left behind and a plan is hatched after six months to go back and visit. Quick tip, if you move to the other side of the world, either get your friends to figure out what time difference means, or switch your phone off at night! Calls are made, flights are booked, and I don’t know it yet, but plans are made also, catching up with friends will easily be the highlights of the trip. If I was any happier right now, I’d be triplets.

Two of the most important people in my life are in a relationship and dinner reservations are made for the first night back. They didn’t know each other until one night years ago when I played matchmaker and set them up, and they’ve been together ever since. She ends up having to work so it’s a boy’s night, there will be time to see her again. It’s a night you’d expect, two friends letting off steam after not seeing each other for so long. It’s more of a liquid dinner and then it’s onto a night of bar-hopping. We bump into some of her female friends and they join us. Way too much tequila is had but after a 37 hour journey, I know that sleep will come easily tonight. I have to say my goodbyes but can’t find my friend to say goodnight. As I leave, I see a couple kissing and my heart sinks. It’s him but it’s not with his her. Shit has gone sideways. He sees me, she leaves and there’s an immediate demand to know what the hell is going on. He confesses to seeing someone else for months now and begs me to keep his secret, he doesn’t want his relationship to end, but he doesn’t want to let go of this new girl either. Talk about a hospital pass, what to do now? Damned if I tell her and damned if I don’t.

It turns out that she has to go away for work for a week, so I have time to mull things over. I’ve been friends with her for a lot longer so I have to say something. Don’t I? I put the responsibility back on him and decide that some secrets are meant to stay secret forever, I don’t want any part of it. Little did any of us know that one of her friends told her that she saw him kissing the girl that night, and that I saw it also. A storm is coming and I’m inadvertently a part of it.

She comes home and we meet for coffee and I’m oblivious to what she’s aware of. She tells me that she knows, accuses me of being disrespectful and a shit friend, hard to argue. She leaves in tears, so I sit there on my own learning the cost of keeping something to myself. No matter how much you try to contain a fire, it always burns the way it sees fit. I’ve been the arsonist, can I be the fireman? I reach out because you care all the way or you don’t care at all. Still no response and my heart hurts, especially as I have to leave soon.

The timing’s poor, I know it’s never right.

@TheSamMcLeod
@YouMeMusicLife