Perfect pretenders.

Don’t we all want things in our life to be perfect? It becomes easy to lie to yourself when you find out that everything isn’t quite what you’d hoped. Maybe when you get to that point in your relationship where you just feel like you don’t know each other anymore, or it turns out that you perhaps didn’t know each other to begin with, you realise that the end is near. You thought you knew what this was. You can think that your relationship is good, but when it turns out that it’s not, but you know that you wanted it to be, it can sting. It’s good to remember the good things though instead of the bad, no point in making yourself hurt more than you already are. Nothing wrong with that, something ends and you both move on. Some do it more quickly than others, whilst some of us are a bit more guarded, a bit less trusting. It’s a shame, but you choose to let people into the deepest parts of your heart, life or mind when you’re ready. If they’re worth it, won’t they stick about and wait for that minute when you finally let your guard down?

At some point in our lives, most, if not all of us will have discovered that feeling of secretly liking someone that’s suddenly come on your radar. You wish that they knew what you thought about them, but it’s okay to be scared of what the answer might be if you dared ask a question. So, you keep it to yourself, you try to lock it inside, and then perhaps one day that moment will come when they notice you or you finally get your shit together and ask them. No big deal if they say no, there are a ton of people out there for all of us, right? That one person for each of us thing can’t be real, can it? Liking someone doesn’t mean you have to be lovers, sometimes maybe you just end up friends. Maybe nothing at all happens between you both and you carry on with your life. It’s tough to make yourself not like someone but you work it out.

If you don’t expect to like someone and then you do, it can come as a bit of a shock, especially if you don’t think you’re ready.

She came out of nowhere. Just like in the movies.

It was innocent, yet also a reminder about how many different ways there are to meet people these days. It can happen pretty much anywhere now, can’t it? A bar, a restaurant, a nightclub, a supermarket, a hotel lobby, a dating site, the possibilities are almost endless. Nowadays, it seems like Facebook, Instagram and Twitter have decided to crash the party. Take Twitter, a good way to turn ten minutes into an hour. It’s always cool if someone new follows you, but if someone started following you in the street though, you’d be right to feel more than a little bit alarmed. Okay, maybe not the best example ever, but it’s different online, you’re protected somewhat, you choose who you follow, who follows you, who you interact with. It can be random who decides to be a part of your timeline, but isn’t that half of the fun? You can learn new things, meet new people, expand your social circle. I’m definitely not the only one who has met Twitter friends in real life and every single one of them has been amazing. They are amazing.

I guess it’s different for a lot of us. Some people automatically follow everyone back, and that’s cool, it’s our own individual experience, so you should be able to choose. It’s not a snub if you don’t immediately follow back, it’s definitely something that might change in time, no biggie. Someone might decide to follow you, so you check out what they’ve been saying and you either follow back if you like their words, or you decide not to if you don’t.

Obviously you need to be careful, but you trust yourself with your judgement. Never underestimate how much a tweet or a reply might change your circumstances though.

A girl that I don’t know adds me, so I check her out. She looks cool, is into some similar things, and I find some of what she says amusing, so I follow back. Almost immediately, it’s forgotten about, we’ve all got shit to do in our daily lives, right? One night, I’m distracted and scrolling through and I see a tweet from her. She looks like she might be in trouble, so I reply to see if she’s okay. How much trouble can you really be in though, if you have time to tweet about it? Always clever after the fact. A reply comes in and she’s okay, so all good. Nothing wrong with caring about people, even if they’re strangers.

A few days later, a note drops into my messages, thanking me for looking out for her. No problem, a cursory reply is sent. She chooses to keep the conversation going and we end up messaging each other most days from then on. I like the way she used her words, and then one day, I liked the way we used our words together. You can usually tell if someone likes you and you definitely know if you like them back, you can feel that there’s something there. Email addresses are exchanged, numbers are swapped and daily conversations become a part of the norm. Facetiming every day, who knew that would become a verb?

I’m still not 100% sure that I’m ready to let go of the past, but she seems like the kind of someone that you don’t want to play by the so called rules for. Wait three days and then be in touch again? Why can’t tomorrow be our three days, why can’t tonight?

We just didn’t know what it would become. We’ve all been guilty of letting things move too fast with someone new. Head over heels for something that’s not real? Isn’t it right that if two people jump into a relationship too fast, they’re headed for failure? Thoughts of that person will pop into your mind randomly and repeatedly throughout the day, so it can be difficult to try and let your relationship develop at its own pace. How many times have you wanted something to really be something and then you find out that it’s not? Reality kicks in. It was far too much, far too soon and it fizzled out. There might have been a lot in common, but maybe there was nothing alike.

It’s probably always an idea to give your brain enough time to catch up with your pheromones.

That bridge might look like it’s burnt to a crisp right now, but maybe it’s for the best. Then again, it might not be, I guess time will tell.

Maybe it could never be us. At the moment, it’s just you and I.

@YouMeMusicLife
@TheSamMcLeod

Expectations fail.

He was just an ordinary guy. There was a girl in his life and he liked her. A lot. He was careful with her though, in deciding if she was someone that he wanted to give his heart to. If you get hurt in a previous relationship, you tend to be a bit wary the next time that you feel that you might be falling for someone. The next time that you dip your toe into the water of something new. No one wants to get hurt in the first place, but certainly not again. Sucks for the new person but that’s life. He weighed everything up in his world as regarded her. Pros and cons. She was pretty. She was compassionate, she was funny, she was personable. He could get lost in her eyes for days and her body was bonkers. Six zero to the pros. Was she too good to be true? He didn’t know yet. Despite all of those qualities, something didn’t sit right. If he thought all of those things about her, then why hadn’t someone else snapped her up? Six one. Unfair of him to think that way perhaps, but she still has the lead.

Then one day, he’s sitting reading through his Twitter timeline. A random message from someone drops into his inbox, telling him that the girl he was starting to fall for, apparently has a boyfriend. Six two. It didn’t take much investigating to find out that it was true. For someone who worked in finance, you think he would have done his due diligence, but there it was and now he knew. Clearly, she hadn’t mentioned the said boyfriend, so he knows that whilst she didn’t lie to him, she didn’t tell him the whole truth. Six three. It’s not a comeback on the scale of the Patriots in the second last SuperBowl, but the numbers are beginning to stack up. It was difficult though, they’d been best friends for a while but things had changed, it had all elevated. They grew closer and everything just felt right, they were practically perfect for each other. That’s what he’d thought anyway but it shows how wrong one person can be. How did he not know? Could they get back to where they started from?

He’s devastated, beyond hurt now, because he knows the conversations they’ve had and the feelings that they’ve shared are built on lies. He thought that she was the kind of girl that would change your life without even meaning to. The kind of girl that wouldn’t know that she’d done it, even if you told her. She told him that she loved him and he reciprocated those feelings. Intimate details have been exchanged and tears have fallen on both sides as one would comfort the other, about all of the hurt they’ve had going on in their respective lives since they met, but now everything feels like an untruth. Six four. It sounds like a fucking tennis match in his head at this point. Love means nothing in tennis. Perhaps it meant nothing now in his life.

Finally, he plucked up the courage to ask her about it and she admitted that it was true. She told him that her relationship with her boyfriend meant nothing to her any more and that she wanted to escape it. She hadn’t loved him for a long time and she didn’t want to be with him, he wasn’t the man for her.

He could understand that on some level, because he knew that leaving someone wasn’t always that easy and that perhaps she was stuck in a situation that she couldn’t get out of. He sighed a lot at the thought of it. Still keeping score? 6-10? 12-4? Good luck figuring it out.

What if none of it was true though? Perhaps she wasn’t the girl that he thought she was. He wasn’t sure how much he trusted his judgement any more. It’s okay to like someone, but you don’t want to be the person that breaks up a relationship, people need to work their shit out on their own. It’s not the fault of the guy that has a girlfriend that has been interacting with someone else. Maybe she’s difficult at home all of the time. Maybe they argue constantly and it’s of her doing. Maybe she doesn’t connect with him, emotionally or physically. Maybe she leaves the toilet seat down. It’s cheating, isn’t it? She’s definitely bad news for him and she’s forbidden fruit now. You don’t get involved with someone in a relationship, regardless of whether or not it’s toxic.

Intrinsically, you want to believe and trust everything that someone tells you. Unless they try to tell you that the Yankees are the best team in baseball or that the Giants are better than the Jets.

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If you want someone to blame and you can’t find that person in the mirror, you choose the nearest target, don’t you? The other person. He didn’t blame her for long, it’s part of his nature to forgive. She admitted everything and apologised, and that was enough for him, as tough as it was to hear. You can take things that someone tells you any way that you want, but don’t you just want it to be the right way?

Everything comes to a head though eventually. He’s moving away from her because of the lies and she knows that this is dead now, because of her. Is she finally being honest with herself, can she work to resolve or escape her situation? If you’re not happy, you leave it all, you end the relationship. Maybe she did love him, but she should have told the truth and they could have had a future together. Maybe it was just infatuation, and that’s okay, but you don’t lie about something as important as what your intentions are.

Whatever makes her happy is the most important thing to him though in terms of their relationship, and if that means it’s not with him, then so be it. Part of him didn’t want to give her up but sometimes, your heart rules your head. Or is it the other way around? Move forward should be your mantra every day, but you can’t dictate love. It just happens, no hesitations. Fuck it though, honesty was the best policy with her, with anyone. If she’d been honest, who could say? It’s closure. Better than not knowing whether to forget or to hang around.

Maybe sometimes you need to deny your heart.

@TheSamMcLeod