It’s complicated.

Day 3.

Maybe life has been reasonably safe for you in 2018, and that’s a fantastic thing, but could 2019 be an opportunity or time for a little danger? Christmas is gone, so if you’re making a list of what’s on your mind of what you want to achieve next year, you don’t need to check it twice. What is on the list for next year though, safe things or dangerous things? Get fit, don’t eat so much, lose weight, be in touch with people more? All of those things are great, but they’re safe, aren’t they? That’s okay, but isn’t the dawn of a new year a chance to stretch yourself and do some things that you didn’t think you could do, that you didn’t think was a possibility?

Everyone has a different impression on what constitutes taking risks. A bungee or parachute jump, travelling somewhere that you’ve never been before, moving house, perhaps starting something new with someone. Sure, the world is a dangerous place to live in at times, but isn’t part of enjoying it, experiencing something you never expected that you would?

It can be difficult though, because when you make any decision, the best thing you can do is obviously the right thing and probably the worst thing you can do is nothing at all. What if you don’t know which is which, whether to say yes or no to something? Maybe you seek advice from your friends, it’s not a bad idea. All of us are different though about what we perceive to be the right or wrong thing to do. Trust yourself?

Is the wrong thing at the right moment okay? It might not go as you planned, but it doesn’t mean that it was a bad idea or the wrong choice to make. Everything’s not going to go perfectly all of the time. Everybody has said or done the wrong thing and regretted it later, but at the time, you’re in the moment so you can’t help it. As you get older, you become more guarded about some things that you want to say yes to and you definitely get used to learn the things you want to say no to. Maybe the first thing that comes into your mind if you have to make a choice is the wrong thing. If you find yourself afraid or scared, does that means you’ve chosen poorly? Perhaps nothing’s dangerous if you know what you’re doing.

You still make a choice if you have to though, don’t you?

We used to message each other every day but then, all of a sudden, those messages stopped coming. There are no words that can be articulated to explain why, but clearly something changed. Something changed again and then she sends a new message years later. Suddenly, a decision is difficult. Stop and think about the words to reply with. Don’t reply at all? What’s going to happen? Could it be a thing? It’s dangerous to try and find out but a leap of faith is needed. Say yes and then worry about the consequences of it all going wrong later? Say no and regret not saying yes? It’s got the potential to be a new thing but is it dangerous for something to scare you that much? Tough to know, but tougher not to know? Your emotions have a way of playing with your head.

If it happens, will affection, appreciation and attention be enough? Maybe the biggest lesson is to not stop doing the things you did to get the person you want once you have them.

A dangerous choice needs to be made. Good or bad things will happen, fuck it, a reply is sent.

Am I out of my head, am I out of my mind? No one has to get it, just you and me. Nothing’s that bad if it feels good.

@TheSamMcLeod
#YouMeMusicLifeResolutions

Maybe you’re listening.

There are times during certain situations when words escape you, when you don’t always know what to say. Maybe someone you know has suffered the loss of someone close to them, or is going through the heartbreak that can come with the end of a relationship. Maybe someone has asked you a question and it’s thrown you completely. Sure, you know plenty of things, but your world is filled with a lot of other stuff that you don’t know anything about. The right words to say can be one of those things. Not always being able to say the right thing, at the right time is confusing, but it’s something that happens to all of us now and again. You can nail it, you can know in that moment exactly what you need to say, but then, on occasion, you have the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

Aren’t there so many times in your life when an email, a phone call or a text just won’t cut it? You need to have an actual conversation. Some of us find it easy to open up, whilst some of us are emotional hand grenades. Every day of your life involves you answering questions. No, yes, I’m not sure. Some questions are clearly more difficult than others, but the answers even more so. The ability to say yes or no is easy for some, but can be so difficult for the rest of us.

Take meeting someone new that you like, for example, isn’t all that you want to do is to enchant, impress or surprise them? Your reply to every question they ask you, is usually yes. It takes courage to say no though when a part of you wants to be saying yes. There’s no point in saying maybe, if you feel like you should say no. If you’re at a loss for words, isn’t it better to learn to keep your mouth shut? If you can’t find the right words, if everything you might say could be wildly off the mark, perhaps you should remind yourself that this could be the right time to listen? No is a complete sentence though. Don’t you have a right to say the n word without having to explain yourself? Maybe you say no to a lot of things, just so you can say yes to the one person or the one thing that you know you want. We all have different hopes and dreams, but don’t some of them go on hold if someone says no to you?

No one ever intrinsically really wants to hurt someone’s feelings if they ask you something important, and you can’t say yes. You might not always want to care too much, but you do, don’t you? The problem is knowing how to say no.

The ninth letter and the sixth letter of the alphabet. I and F, if. When someone asks you an important question, doesn’t so much weight hang on that one word? There are so many things we feel we should do or say that we really don’t have to. Sometimes we do have to though.

If I was asked a difficult question, I’d like to think I’d know just what to say.

It was a Saturday night and a friend is having a housewarming party. It’s always nice to get invited to things, so obviously the response is yes. I’ll know next to no one there, but there’s a fun element in meeting new people and having conversations about different subjects that I’ve maybe never had before. He’s super popular with everyone, a cool trait to have. There are so many people of so many various creeds, faiths and nationalities in his place, that Benetton could rock up to film a new advert, and no one would bat an eyelid. Wine is opened, there are a ton of beers in a bath that’s filled with ice, there are so many spirits and mixers on the go, you could make pretty much any cocktail that you want to. New people are met, conversations are had, and there is so much laughter. Pretty much a perfect evening so far. It looks like everyone is having a good time, people who have never met before add each other on Facebook and Twitter, because connections have been made. Numbers are exchanged.

The kitchen is the best place to be whilst at a party, right? A side effect of this, is that you end up opening beers for people or topping up their wine glass, but that’s okay. Standing next to the one bottle opener and corkscrew is my own fault, but it’s cool, always a good conversation starter. A girl that I’ve never met or even noticed yet, is looking around confused. I ask her if she’s okay, and she replies that she is, she just needs more wine. It’s lucky that someone is stood in the same postcode as a corkscrew. I ask which colour she would like, and I duly oblige. We start chatting, and she tells me that she’s Canadian and is travelling around Europe before having to go back home to start a new job in a month or so. Her conversation is on point, she’s clearly clever, and the time that we chatted with each other was enjoyable. As is the case at most parties, you get speaking to other people though, and your conversations move on.

I live in the city, so I know that I’m headed home alone, but his place is huge and a lot of people will be staying over, because they’ve travelled to see him and they don’t know the city. She’s one of those people. We bump into each other again later on in the night, clearly she needs more wine, and we chat once more. She asks for recommendations of things to see and do, and I scribble down the best attractions and the things that she shouldn’t miss, I’m not just a guy with corkscrew skills. One of the things I mention is the beach and she seems super excited to see it, and asks me if I would like to go with her, some friends and grab a coffee or an ice cream tomorrow. Given that coffee is always best enjoyed on a Sunday morning, I agree, and we arrange a time to meet back at my friend’s place, and then I can show her and her friends around.

I return at the admittedly early arranged time, but it’s only her standing there, everyone else is too hungover, it seems. It’s cool though, a couple of hours at the beach is always good, whether alone or in company. I point out things on the way, she takes plenty of photographs, of the buildings, of the beach, of the dolphins that we see swimming in the harbour and we grab coffee. It was fun, I walk her back, we hug, say our goodbyes, and I head back home. Not at any point has anything romantic ever crossed my mind, I was just being nice. If someone is nice or polite to you, it doesn’t always mean that they’re flirting with you.

A couple of days later, I get a message asking if I’d like to go and visit her, have dinner, drinks and stay with her? Maybe I could join her on the next part of her trip and we could see more things together? How bad are men at reading signals? The dots begin to connect, but everything has changed in that moment. Too many things are in the cons column for it to even be a possibility. I’m going to have to say no to her because I still want to be saying yes to someone else.

Maybe I don’t know anything anymore. Perhaps the silence, between that message coming through and me still not replying, is only awkward because I don’t have any confidence in it. Don’t you have to decide who your priority is without feeling guilty? I don’t want to hurt you, but it’s not fair to say yes, when I need to say no.

I write because I never know just what to say.

@TheSamMcLeod